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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about the Myers-Briggs cognitive functions and how they play a role in romantic relationships.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Dichotomy in Relationships podcast
- Car Model
- Reference Guides for each cognitive function stack
- The Driver function is very unconscious. You do it automatically.
- If you are in a relationship with somebody who suppresses that driver function, it will cause conflict or depression.
- The driver puts you into flow. It energizes you and makes you feel good.
- It’s not good to be in a situation where that function isn’t being allowed expression.
- Get very clear on your dominant process, and your spouse’s, then have a conversation around it so you can both be aware of each other’s needs.
- Determine if you are leading with a learning process or a decision-making process.
- If your Driver is an iNtuitive or Sensing function, you lead with a learning process (referred to as Perceiving process in the podcast).
- If your driver is a Feeling or Thinking function, you lead with a decision making process.
- If one partner leads with a learning process and the other leads with a decision-making process, it can create conflict.
- People who lead with a learning process tend to hesitate before they make decisions. They want more info before they make a decision.
- Someone who leads with a decision-making process is going to come across way more decisive and live their lives in the realm of should statements.
- Two people driving with judging functions can create friction because each is certain how things should be.
- Two people who lead with learning process can take a long time to make a decision.
- A female who leads with a decision-making process and ends up in a relationship with a man who leads with a learning process may feel like she has to make all the decisions. She may feel like she can’t rest into him because he is so slow to make decisions.
- The Copilot is our auxiliary cognitive function. Our growth state. It’s important we work on this process and use it.
- The Copilot is a more conscious part of our personality, and we can have a tendency to bypass it if we want to stay in a comfortable place.
- When we first start working on our copilot, it could be messy. Stay the course!
- Get clear on the needs of your copilot. If you are an extravert and your copilot is introverted, you have to have introverted time.
- Some people just need to know what is going on with you. Be clear about your needs, so the other person doesn’t misunderstand your actions.
- The Tertiary cognitive function (10 yr old) will be the same attitude as the driver. If your driver is introverted, this process will be introverted. It is a comfortable place for us.
- This function is best when used in times of play. Don’t let it run the show. Let it play, like a 10 yr old.
- When we ignore the copilot and stay in the attitude of the driver and tertiary process, it isn’t a good place for a person to be. We call it a loop.
- Figure out how you loop and discuss it openly so each can identify when it is happening.
- Why are you in the loop? What do you need to get back into your copilot?
- A lot of conflicts come from both people being in this 10 yr old process.
- Out of conflict comes intimacy.
- You can build understanding and intimacy through the conflict if you have the awareness to understand what is going on.
- If someone is getting stuck in the 10 yr old and it is a learning process, it can come across as avoidance. Either avoiding info or seeking distraction.
- If someone is getting stuck in 10 yr old and it is a judging or decision-making process it can show up as being resolute and insistent it is right.
- Te/Fe will try to push the outer world. Ti/Fi can look like you are sticking your flag in the ground and refusing to be budged.
- You might be fighting two different games if your spouse is one way and you are the other.
- If one can be aware enough to get out of the 10 yr old, they can help the situation by pulling the other person out of their 10 yr old.
- It’s not about winning or losing. It’s about building intimacy.
- The 10 yr old is the one that you are going to notice coming up more than anything else.
- The inferior process, 3 yr old, has the maturity of a 3 yr old.
- It is not conscious for most people. It feels icky sometimes.
- If you put your mate in a situation where their 3 yr old is exposed and hurt it will be interpreted as a betrayal.
- How does your 3 yr old show up and what would be a massive betrayal for you? What about your spouses 3 yr old. What would be a betrayal of them?
- Look at the car models for each personality side by side.
- See how they compare and contrast.
- What strengths do you share?
- What weaknesses do you share?
- How can compensate for each other’s blind spots?
- Create language and framework around your personalities so you can speak to each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
- Use this knowledge to increase understanding and open conversation.
- Don’t use this as a weapon.
- Use it as a means to improve communication and connection.
- Just having the language solves the majority of conflict.
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