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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about applying Systems Thinking to your romantic relationships.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- We don’t believe in cause and effect thinking anymore.
- We believe everything that happens is an emergent of a whole system running.
- Systems Thinking podcast
- A great system to apply to relationships.
- Systems are made up of different nodes, or parts, that interact and influence each other.
- Cause/effect thinking is so inaccurate it is futile to consider it.
- If we don’t like an effect, we tend to seek out the cause, and it becomes a blame game.
- As a society, we steer away from systems thinking because of its complexity.
- We prefer to dumb things down and create habits and viewpoints that are inaccurate.
- Cause/effect invites blame. Blame invites contempt. Love cannot survive contempt.
- Our spouse is not the cause of all of our problems.
- Systems thinking empowers us to change the things we don’t like.
- When a relationship is struggling, ask yourself what nodes changed that resulted in the conflict. Stress at work? Improper diet? Illness?
- Change the nodes instead of seeking blame.
- The honeymoon period ends, and couples enter the power struggle phase. No one is to blame. It is a natural part of a relationship.
- Bruce Muzik podcast
- If a person seems cranky, ask yourself what system is creating the crankiness.
- Change the thing, the node that is creating the emergent.
- When you realize that there is someone you can blame for all your problems, your brain heaves a sigh of relief because it has figured out the problem.
- You haven’t solved anything. You only think you have. Zoom out. There is never just one person to blame for everything.
- Going from cause/effect thinking to systems thinking is an infrastructural shift in your mind.
- You will change the way you look at the world.
- Seeing relationships and family as a system is a good way to start using this system.
- Individually, everything runs on 3 different categories: physical, mental, emotional.
- We are all influenced by external and internal factors.
- So you have a physical component that is internal, or individual, and a physical component that is external, or environmental.
- Same applies to Mental and emotional.
- What is your health?
- Are you getting enough nutritious food?
- Are you exercising?
- What is going on in your physical environment?
- Do you live in a town where healthy food is harder to find?
- What parts of these things are affecting you?
- In a relationship, what are the physical components between the two of you?
- Is everyone getting their physical needs met?
- Do both see the value of taking care of themselves physically?
- What are the impacts of the internal physical dynamic of the relationship and the external physical factors that influence the relationship?
- Emotional internal and external influencers.
- What is the heart relationship?
- Are you keeping interactions positive?
- Are you making sure you have a date night?
- Are you conscious of each other’s love languages?
- How do you speak to each other?
- External emotional would be the relationships that surround you.
- In-laws? Friends? Grandchildren? Siblings? Workmates?
- Don’t let off steam by taking your frustrations out on your partner.
- Address the node that is causing the problem. Don’t deflect onto someone else.
- Once you figure out the actual issue, it is a long-term sustainable fix.
- Other nodes that can impact a relationship:
- Beliefs, Graves Levels, Mindset, self-awareness, ability to introspect, personality types, life experience, political alliances, etc.
- A lot of things can contribute to the success or failure of a relationship.
- There is a difference between a cause and a catalyst.
- One of the best ways to stop yourself from projecting blame on your spouse, ask yourself what the catalyst is that got you thinking a certain way?
- Make sure the system of YOU is running well.
- Write down a chart of physical, mental, emotional, internal and external.
- Write all the things you believe about yourself in those categories. What are the influencers? How are you doing?
- After that, try diagnosing the struggles you are experiencing.
- Blaming the other person for issues in yourself isn’t based on reality.
- We can also use Systems Thinking for the things we want in life.
- What can you do to create the nodes that bring the thing you want the most?
- What are you doing that is inhibiting the thing you want?
- Systems thinking is a way to design your life and get the things you want.
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