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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about what it means to apologize and grant forgiveness.

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Showing 5 comments
  • Lisa

    I found this fabulous. And agreed, if you really go down the rabbit hole…there will be no blame. It just is. And that is ok. <3

  • Sara R.

    I am surprised how strongly I reacted to this podcast. I really dislike the assumption that a person who says “no” to the question “do you forgive me?” is making a power play via emotional debt. I think asking forgiveness in general tends to be selfish and should be avoided when trying to GIVE a genuine apology. In the example Joel gave his mother in law did him a great service in not forgiving him on the spot given the way they story was told. Had she forgiven him he probably wouldn’t have thought twice about the incident and would not have changed the way he goes about apologizing. People have this expectation that the words “I’m sorry” magically erases the damage to the relationship like it’s an “edit-undo” button. No one seems to realize this script strips the obligatory forgiver of their permission to let their own emotions run their course. If they don’t forgive now they are the “bad guy”. They said sorry, therefore you shouldn’t be hurt/cautious anymore right? This reminds me of an earlier podcast where you discussed the difference between making nice and being kind. The way to make nice is to say all is forgiven, no worries there are no real consequences for your behavior and you have nothing to feel guilty for now. Which usually leaves the forgiver still feeling pretty betrayed now that they were wronged AND had to be the bigger person to fix it in the end. The kind thing, although uncomfortable in the moment, is to be honest. To establish boundaries by stating this is unacceptable behavior and a repeat occurrence will not be tolerated. The consequence of this occurrence is that it will take time and behavior change on your part to repair the damage your behavior has wrought. Antonia argued that saying no they are not forgiven removes the motivation for change but in my experience saying “I forgive you” just because they were vulnerable enough to ask for forgiveness tends to invite an encore performance. Would saying “thank you for acknowledging your role” be an acceptable response or is that just as offensive as no? Maybe it’s an INFJ thing but I am more likely to genuinely forgive when the person shows they are dedicated to trying to avoid the same emergent in the future and acknowledge the rift was their doing by holding space for me to heal in the meantime. Is this still emotional debt logic or is this something else?

  • Leslie Adamson

    Interesting podcast Joel & Antonia. A couple weeks ago my daughter was telling me that Gary Chapman just came out with a new test for our Apology languages ( I really think you guys were on to something when you said a ‘thinker’s’ apology is different from a ‘feeler’s’. Great food for thought.

  • Janne

    Nice podcast, interesting topic! While I was listening I was thinking about forgiving yourself. I think that this is as important or even more important than getting forgiveness of another person. Even when the other person has forgiven you I think a lot of people will still live with guilt for what they did. In order to grow and learn from the event I think it is important to forgive yourself. It’s just something I wanted to add to the conversation 🙂

  • Christina Zurkiwskyj

    Hey There,
    What I find troubling is how to go about relationships that are not leveled. Like a parent and a child or a boss and employee. I think that there are a lot of lost opportunities for growth because of our status and position. Even as a grown child, there is still a feeling of respect for the parent that might always exist in the relationship. So when there needs to be a conversation about forgiveness and apology to heal or grow, it is avoided because they will always be the elder. Is there a way to get around this?

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