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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about getting balanced on the opinion of others.

In this podcast you’ll find:

  • 2 different quotes from Personal Development masters that appear to be in direct conflict with each other.
  • “If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” Rumi
  • Maya Angelou “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
  • If people are irritating to us, are they reflecting back parts of us we don’t want to see?
  • Or, is that their business? It doesn’t have anything to do with us; it is all about them?
  • Is there a middle road between these two concepts and is that the ideal place for growth?
  • Introverted Feeling (Fi) – The more personal something is the more universal it is.
  • There is so much texture inside each one of us. Lots of voices with different agendas.
  • Different contexts bring out different parts of who we are.
  • Whenever we get rubbed badly is it about them or us?
  • The answer is both.
  • People reflect back aspects of ourselves.
  • That is why we can see irritating behavior in others and not be impacted because we can usually remember being there, or at least imagine ourselves there.
  • When we observe terrible behavior in others, it is a reflection back to us, not that we are terrible, but it reflects back those darker parts that we all have within us.
  • Is it something with which we are struggling? If the answer is yes, we will likely have a visceral response to it because that person is showing us a piece of us that we prefer not to face.
  • On the flip side, if we have done work around it, it’s no longer a rub.
  • We can look at other people doing their thing and recognize it as just their thing.
  • Get your house in order. Don’t worry about what others are doing.
  • Sometimes we can go to the other extreme and assume everyone else is calibrated right and we are calibrated wrong.
  • The more rested and present you get and the more you do the work, the more people are drawn to you as a leader.
  • But if a person is wresting with some dissonance, you can be very polarizing to them.
  • We may be reflecting back to someone else something they don’t like.
  • You may be reflecting health to them, and they find that weird or off-putting.
  • It is easy to diagnose the problems of others and ignore our own.
  • Hold space for others like you hold space for yourself.
  • Choose the tool that is more powerful for you.
  • A lot of little rubs can be tied to a bigger knot of insecurity that we aren’t aware of.
  • The more sensitive to rubs you are the more you may be on to something.
  • Drama Triangle vs. Empowerment Dynamic
  • The goal is transcendence – where you still experience the rubs, but they aren’t overwhelming to you.

 

 

 

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Showing 4 comments
  • Leah
    Reply

    I’ve listened to this episode 3 times now. I’ve spent my life in most of the Joel camp, thinking there is something wrong with me when it turns out there was a lot that was projection. I grew up with a Christian mother and Arabic father and receiveed a lot of “shoulds”. I struggled with self esteem issues as I did my best to repress the shame cauldron brewing inside of me, until thankfully I learned some helpful tools to work with the pain. As an overcorrection, I swung to Antonia side and could analyze what was going on for everyone else but did not and would not accept any external feedback. While I’m more balanced now, I still have a hard time discerning between what is projection and what is actually a disowned part inside of me and need to spend a lot of time being present with my experience to get clarity. Thanks a lot for this podcast I’m going to continue to listen to it when I feel helpless or confused or need a reminder:)

  • Shelby Nicholson
    Reply

    I got angry at two people recently that demonstrates the difference between what Joel and Antonia are discussing in this podcast about how rubs are either reflectors of needs in ourselves that need growing and what are things that need our personal opinion but no apology. A person I love slighted me recently, and I went into a snit for three days. As I was analyzing why it rancored so much, I realized it was pride, inflexibility, and a lack of resiliency that was preventing me from apologizing – three no-good traits that show a defending 10-year old driver (I’m INFJ). The other person I got angry with I lit into and then I backed off, wondering why I was able to forgive so easily. Looking for the growth potential there for myself I saw none. It was a case where as Joel describes ‘what is is.” It was his business to grow and learn, not mine. The moral of the story is that when rubs festor and rancor, it’s because they are reflecting dark parts of our beings that need growing, but when rubs can be shaken off without further ado, it’s more about the other person than ourselves. There’s nothing wrong in stating your opinion on something and then backing off. No apology required. I must admit though with the first example, I questioned for a while whether I was right and he was wrong and came to the conclusion that I was wrong.

  • Jean
    Reply

    Really interesting podcast as usual.

    I think that when someone exhibits behaviour we don’t like, it only really bothers us if the subject matter is something we judge too harshly in the first place. I’ve always been a shy introvert (INFJ), and people have always pointed that out. So if anyone says I’m shy, I get defensive. But while Rumi’s quote may be true in that I should just look at that as feedback, I think I only get defensive because I take it too seriously. While it may benefit me to work on my shyness, it’s also not something that I need beat myself up so much about.

    It’s so important not to approach personal development with a perfectionistic mindset, because it ends up being too punitive, and I feel like Rumi’s quote could be taken that way, as if the monster you see in others is actually the monster festering within you (no wonder people prefer to never look at their own baggage!)

    So maybe the best way of dealing with people who rub us the wrong way involves being easier on the behaviour in question, regardless of whether it has something to do with us in that moment or is just a reflection of the other person.

    • Rahma
      Reply

      Thanks for this. I love the idea of approaching both situations with compassion, whether it is compassion towards the behaviour of another or compassion towards the part of ourselves that is being irritated by the rub.

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