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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about how our Enneagram instincts (self-preservation – social – sexual) influence our romantic relationships.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Enneagram Roadmap
- Enneagram type blended with instinctual drive creates our subtypes
- If there are nine positions on the enneagram and three instinctual drives we have 27 different subtypes.
- Subtypes/instinctual drives: self-preservation/social/sexual (one-to-one).
- All three drives have a different element of relationship that they focus on.
- Self-preservation is about a person’s relationship with themselves.
- Sexual is a person’s relationship with one other person.
- Social is a person’s relationship to the group.
- We each lead with one subtype. Then we have an auxiliary and inferior.
- Joel is social primarily, sexual auxiliary, and self-preservation inferior.
- Antonia is a sexual primary, self-preservation auxiliary, social inferior.
- Sexual shows up for Antonia by putting her relationship with Joel as her top priority.
- Self-preservation is a direct survival tactic. Thinking of yourself and focusing on safety.
- Sexual (one-to-one) focuses on a bond with one person to create safety.
- Social sees safety in numbers.
- Triune brain theory: lizard brain (base needs), mammalian brain (connection to other humans), cerebral brain (neocortex)
- Lizard – self-preservation
- Mammalian – sexual
- Cerebral – social
- All based on survival strategies.
- Social: about being liked, having resource, safety net of people. Being kicked out of the tribe is terrifying.
- Sexual: survival is based upon important one-to-one bonds. Being kicked out of the tribe isn’t so bad as long as there is at least one bond.
- All of these strategies are deeply unconscious.
- They emerge from survival strategies that are so instinctual they are part of our wiring.
- One-to-One: Soul spelunking – get to see self through another person’s eyes.
- Social: learns about self in the midst of the group.
- Fuse relationships – deeply spiritual bonds with one other person.
- Self-preservation probably experiences a spiritual fulfillment from knowing how to protect self.
- If we have a different survival tactic from our partner, they will be looking for different things to meet their needs.
- Sexual: a romantic relationship where she can fuse with another human being is the single most important thing in Antonia’s life.
- If you are a sexual subtype dominant and your partner is not, you may need to take the lead in the soul spelunking.
- Joel takes the lead in social dynamics like the podcast and meetups.
- Relationships introduce us to new perspectives on the world that broaden our viewpoints.
- Self-preservation is higher in Antonia’s stack, so she made sure her daughter was signed up for karate classes.
- Antonia doesn’t think in terms of social broadcasting since social is her blindspot.
- Joel being a social subtype has given her a platform to share her life’s work.
- Being able to have a convo around your blind spots and how your partner can step up and fill your weaknesses can be powerful.
- Be willing to let go of expectations of spouse if they don’t have the same survival wiring as you do, but be grateful for what they do bring.
- Social subtypes like to get social credit for the things they do.
- Sexual subtypes like to be attractive to other people.
- Self-preservation exhibits in weird ways for Joel as his inferior – worried about germs and where the exits are.
- Can come up as a childlike false read. The fears aren’t legit.
- Self-preservation: tied into safety, protective of everyone and everything, worried about resource reliability.
- Sexual subtypes can fuse with people other than their spouse. It can be a parent, close friend, or sibling.
- Sexual subtypes want to be there for their fuse partners, especially in survival scenarios.
- An introvert that is social may think of themselves as an extravert because they crave the group dynamic.
- Whereas an extravert that is a sexual (one-to-one) may try to escape the group to create intimacy.
- This would explain why some introverts look like extraverts and vice versa.
- A sexual subtype may need to let their social subtype partner have a wider circle of friends.
- Self-preservation people may feel oppressive at times by being overly concerned with safety.
- Give your self-preservation partner the thing they need to feel safe. Don’t dismiss their concerns.
- Make a list of you and your partner’s subtypes.
- How do they show up?
- Where are the crossovers?
- Where is the conflict?
- Where are the opportunities for amazingness?
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