Podcast – Episode 0229 – Developing Feeling As A Co-Pilot (IxFJ & ExFP Types)

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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about developing feeling as an ISFJ, INFJ, ENFP, or ESFP.

In this podcast you’ll find:

In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about developing feeling as an ISFJ, INFJ, ENFP, or ESFP. #ISFJ #INFJ #ENFP #ESFP

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Showing 21 comments
  • Warren Delacruz

    Hey Guys,

    Love this one. Download link seems to be broken.

  • Amrish

    I’m an ENFP and just wanted to express my gratitude to you guys for doing this. Just to give you some context. I’m an Indian guy from a remote town that’s recently discovered the perks of having an internet connection. English is not my first language but over the past decade I’ve honed it with great intent. And I say this not to brag but to pinpoint the surreal synchronicity of the universe in bringing me your voice that resonates with the deepest recesses of my mind and soul. I cannot begin to express in words how it feels to have someone state with such pristine clarity the inner workings of your very being, it’s motivations, nuances & intricacies.

    Thanks a ton Joel & Antonia. Look forward to this journey that’s only begun!!

  • J Grimm

    I’m a 43 year old female ENFP. I literally feel like a living dichotomy. I have so many “emotions” but can’t figure out what they are or how to express them. I often think I’m a good person but I know all too well that sometimes my motives for doing good things are selfish and that makes me feel like a bad person.
    I’m a list maker. Pros/cons. I love the idea of writing down all the reasons I want something and see which resonates MOST. Totally gonna try that

  • Brooke

    So what it sounds like to me, is the weakness of “harmony” is that need for harmony. It seems the way to strengthen the co-pilot would be to learn to embrace conflict, while reinforcing emotional boundaries. That way we don’t have to avoid situations that have conflict. We can’t come into a conflict either absorbing other’s energies, good or bad, and thereby being at the mercy of our emotions, which are being influenced by the room nor needing to “fix” it.
    I like where Joel points out that conflict is the avenue to true intimacy. That is an excellent motivation around a really lol repulsive scenario for lack of a better word.
    I am listening as I type, so I see I’m jumping ahead and repeating what they go over in the show. Oops. Well great info regardless.

  • okaloli

    As for a lot of other INFJ:s it seems, this podcast really resonated with me. I have struggled a lot hiding out in my fortress of introversion, often feeling deeply wounded or misunderstood when looking for those deep connections I want and need, and just as often feeling really hurt by my own harsh judgements of other people. The last couple of years though, I have slowly started to discern a way out to other people, which I now realize must be in line with Ne/Harmony: Nonviolent Communication. I have only just started to delve into it but it has a lot to do with creating connections and authentic relationships expressing and meeting the needs of others as well as your own. Listening to this podcast was really profound with a lot of stuff falling into place and stengthening my conviction that I need to change things, and that there actually are ways to do it, even if the vulnerability thing is really scary and confusing. So thank you!

    • Brooke

      “non-violent communication” yes. the thing I noticed is neutral communication can feel violent to an HSP if it involves any kind of conflict or confrontation. Some personalities thrive on that which I can’t understand. Oh to avoid it. But for my own sake I need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable, not so much due to the boundary setting, which I suspect is overblown, but learn to face my fear of saying No. Yes is easier! Also hard to shake the trauma learned in childhood of boundaries being trampled and no being reacted to violently. So anybody want to be a safe partner for anybody else (ME) to practice this with? Lol

  • Attlas

    I cannot express how much these latest podcasts about the Co-pilot and the Loops were helpful. You are doing a great service to humanity by sharing this knowledge for free. Thank you so much

  • Shelby Nicholson

    I came upon this very interesting podcast about developing Auxiliary Fe the other day, and I have to thank you how beneficial it was to me. For me an INFJ with social anxiety, I get stubborn about the idea that personal growth for me is about connecting with people when all I’ve ever experienced from people is negativity, insults, and a lack of appreciation. I have resisted the idea that personal growth can come from people. But this podcast is absolutely right. Personal Growth for the INFJ does definitely come from establishing close heartfelt genuine contacts with people, as INFJs love to serve people; we love to bond deeply with people; we yearn for understanding; we crave love matches…. It is nice to see reinforcement on this fact.

    • Luke Swain-Garner

      Hi Shelby,

      Your comment here really resonated with me. I’m not sure how old you are (I am currently 25), but when I was young I had crippling social anxiety, too. Even on my worst of days, I instinctively knew that my greatest fulfillment in life would revolve around connecting with people (which was ironically the very thing that scared the hell out of me at the time). This revelation was made before I knew I had INFJ preferences, too. Fast forward through all the therapy and healing work to today, and I can attest to the fact that personal development is worth it. Nothing makes me feel more satisfied in life than know I’ve helped someone’s get a need met. So, for what it’s worth, just keep pushing through all the pain. You’ll be happy in the end. 🙂

  • Helen

    I loved the podcast and as an Fi user I have been told I radiate emotional energy in waves. Fe users that are close to me then absorb them. I would love to hear more about the ’emotional aikido’ aspect of Fi, because I don’t know if it’s just me but if Fe users (even low in the stack) are in a negative mood there is little fallout but if I am, as an Fi user radiating negativity, there is usually some resulting conflict.

  • Amy

    I just need to take a moment to thank you for this podcast. I’m an INFJ and listening to this episode wrapped everything up for me and I truly had an aha moment while listening. I’ve always had boundary issues, as in needing lots of them but not effectively staking them out. I’ve become way more aware of that and how it leads to resentment recently and have been working on establishing more “gates”. BUT the big reveal for me today was that I have unknowingly been going straight to my ten year-old and starting there with judgements which led to lots of walls. All along I thought that was me being able to read situations (which were often wrong). This! This revelation helps me to see why working on my co-pilot is so important. I’m one of those INFJ’s who pretty much says no to everything and hides out. I’ve found it to be isolating with a false sense of safety. Just now after listening to this episode do I feel like I’m truly ready and get why putting myself out there more will help develop my Harmony process. Again, thank you for phenomenal podcast and content. It has truly changed my life and how I view myself and others.

  • Leanna Savage

    Thank you Personality Hacker! I am an INFJ learning how to set boundaries and I’ve been having a good deal of trouble working towards that goal. This podcast was incredibly insightful and helpful for me. It is, indeed, difficult to start voicing my preferences now when I was always a people-pleasing, “yes” person before. It’s good to know that I’m not alone.

  • Josephine M.

    This podcast came at a perfect time for my ENFP self. I’m trying to figure out where I want my career to go. Do I pursue freelance work or take a more traditional job? If I take a job, what kind of job? I see so many possibilities it’s hard to prioritize which of the many paths before me I want to take.

    I just got done following Joel’s advice about writing down all the possibilities in my journal to see which one most resonated with me. I realized very quickly that freelance work is most compatible with what I want out of life. I feel a sense of peace and purpose that I’ve not known in years. Thank you Joel and Antonia. I’d give you both big hugs right now if I could.

  • Kathy

    Wow that was perfect timing for me…

    today before I herd this podcast… I finally spoke to my hubby about me… n everything I’ve been bottling up inside for 40 plus yrs… n how I always tried to keep peace even as a little girl… n always though what matters to others is more important than what I want… after today I realized to speak up… n know what I want does matter… esp my voice… n after I felt great

    Before I said anything I told him I would like to talk… n I want him to act like I’m talking to a friend venting… so he actually listened n basically that’s all I got from him… maybe he needs time to process everything I said… Most important I feel sooo much better… inf

    Hubby has strong opinion wants things done his way… n wants to get things done now… I get tired by his energy… I think he’s entj…

  • Jessica Martinez

    Great podcast I almost cried when you shared the tip for INFJ’s to use more of their copilot. I can certainly use more specific tips like that. I just wanted to share with you a bit of my story in my growth journey. I’ve been writing for 2 years now, it’s more like journaling my thoughts. The really neat thing about my writing is that I tend to get lost in my inner world with my journal. I speak my thoughts I let it all flow out, the “problem” with that is that its almost as if the filter I used to apply to the outer world and how to act around them has vanished. My husband and his brother usually hang out after work, I listen from the sidelines and take my place as the wife just listening and not really participating in their deep conversations. Recently my brother in law said something that I did not agree with and for once in my life (as I think about it now it brings tears of joy) I voiced my opinion. I loudly and clearly voiced my thoughts. You have no idea the feeling of excitement and freedom I felt. Shortly after I thought to myself “OMG Jessica why did you say that? Why didn’t I think before I spoke?” It’s been now 3 months since that incident but I will never forget the liberating feeling, I’ve noticed that the more I push myself to speak my mind the more liberating I feel. My self-esteem has skyrocketed lately I am so confident so joyful and full of joy to interact with the outside world, (well sometimes LOL). Anyway I emailed you guys about tips for getting my company to pay for the Profile Training, crossing my fingers that I can apply and get accepted.

  • Graham

    I thought Antonia’s insight was interesting when she said Extraverts often have a hard time going into their introverted space, making it hard for them to get in touch with who they are.

    As an INFP, I thought I would add the introvert side to that idea. In my case at least, I have found that I can figure out pretty well who I am (though it is still a slow and continual process), but figuring out what to do with that is the hard part. In other words, I know who I am, but don’t always know what to do.

    Just thought I would share that. Excellent podcast!

  • Joanna

    I am an INFJ, and I was pretty judgmental as a kid. Then in high school I read the manga Fruits Basket and started getting to know my Harmony (although I never called it that at the time). For the first time, I realized that just because I was offended by someone’s actions (even if I legitimately believed them to be wrong about a great many things), that didn’t make them “bad” or “irredeemable”, and it certainly gave me no right to dismiss or mistreat them. It taught me to look for the kindness in everyone, no matter how small or strange a shape it might take. College really helped me grow, meeting new people and making my own opinions and all that jazz. My most painful realization was probably seeing how much I looked to my sister for guidance and approval – thankfully I was able to parse that out in the relatively unimportant arena of media preferences, but it still hurt to separate my identity from hers. I’ve gotten pretty good at expressing my opinions tactfully, but I still struggle with laying down rules of engagement with very dominant, assertive people.

    • Lee

      Joanna, I also type as an INFJ. I felt compelled to reply to your comment as two aspects resonate strongly with me.

      On reflection, I would say that I was pretty judgemental as a a kid too. Not in a ‘know-it-all’ way, where I would point out and correct other people. More like an internal surmise of other people when their opinions or behaviours did not align with mine. Funny thing is, I’m nearly 50, and I still do it. Interestingly, until I read your comment, I hadn’t realised my judgmental reactions were so ingrained. A recent example I can think of was being at a deli counter in a supermarket. On this particular day there were two other customers already at the deli counter. While I waited, another lady approached the counter after me. The service attendant finished with serving one customer and asked who was next. I was in the process of checking with the other person who was there before me if it was their turn when the lady who arrived after me began selecting her items. This was such a psychological dilemma for me. My immediate thought was to speak up. I’m not timid, and didn’t feel afraid to do that. But in quick succession I perceived that by speaking up, that action may have made the service attendant feel uncomfortable in some way. So to emotionally resolve the situation for me, I resorted to internally surmising the woman’s behaviour as not being civil – very judgemental of me, but not very developed. A more developed perspective would have been to take everyone’s feeling into account, including my own.

      The second aspect that resonated with me was your last line about struggling to lay down rules of engagement with dominant, assertive people. This also happens to me. My problem with this is that I tend to interpret dominant or assertive behaviours in other people as an indication that what they are discussing/asking/talking about is very important to them. That they feel strongly about the matter. So without setting up personal boundaries, I tend to find myself applying a higher level of importance to their issues or situations because I’m perceiving some sort of urgency or appeal in their style of communication. For me, this leads to much disappointment when I come to find that the level of importance that I had interpreted is misaligned to theirs. I then begin to feel taken advantage of, or used, or tricked, by that person – enter judgement. And unfortunately for me, my way to deal with people like this has been to minimise contact. But, now that I have boundary setting on my radar, when communicating with dominant/assertives, I intend to practice identifying and checking where my boundaries are before deciding how much I can invest emotionally in what they are communicating about.

  • Plush

    Hi Joel and Antonia, great podcast by the way. It really gave me more insight about how Fi works. But i have a question, now in your podcast about INFPs you mentioned that Fi is hard to articulate or reason out if someone is using that function or i may have misunderstood what you said back then so i could be wrong. Now i am an INFP, haha, but i am still having difficulties understanding how Fi works. Well in my experience, i don’t recall having many difficulties reasoning out if I have a decision which was entirely based on personal judgement or judgement based on like or dislike criteria. For instance, I don’t like retreading my steps like as in walking forward then suddenly realizing that i no longer want to go to wherever I initially wanted to go and just return to my origin and making a 360 degree turn and taking the exact path i previously took. I had to at least look for another path whether that path is a much longer way to my origin. I did not realize why i did that, i only had a sense of aversion doing that, but then somebody asked me why. I immediately asked myself why and instantly, like instantly, i recalled that i used to retread my steps when i was younger but then the people around me gave strange looks as if they were annoyed that i immediately took a turn to retread my steps and they didn’t expect me to do that. So that’s why i no longer retread my steps because it somehow annoyed people. You also mentioned that Fi, to the people using this as their dom/aux, enable users to actually make reasons or motivations for their decisions, if i’m not mistaken, or i may have misunderstood what you said. But anyway my question is based on what i mentioned, is Fi really hard to articulate and reason out? Or could it be that I’m also using other cognitive functions which is why I was able to reason out. I really wanted more in depth insights for Fi and how it works if paired with other cognitive functions. I think it would be great with other cognitive functions as well. Thanks

  • Lukas_with_a_k

    Another great podcast, Joel and Antonia!
    I really love having a specific activity or exercise to put in place to grow my Harmony copilot. As an INFJ it is that pesky Extraverted nature that has alluded me in times of hardship. Conflict? No thank you, I’ll avoid it. But, now I see how I can actually manuveor through that pain and create happiness for everyone involved. I’ve decently seen a great example of this in a course recently. A woman changed the emotional temperature of the room of those fighting and those observing by having us all breath and come back to the present moment. She also reinstated the “rules” for engagement for this particular event. She was very successful I might add. Conflict wasn’t discouraged, but it was crafted in such a way for everyone to benefit. I keep thinking of this as a skill to develop in my Fe. I’d love to be at that level. I’m learning just how vulnerable I feel sharing my opinions and needs to others. Like i get that that’s important on a cognitive level, but getting into action and sharing and connecting in the moment feels so scary. Lol but practice makes perfect I suppose? Thanks again/Luke.

    • Pat Eddishaw

      Great podcast. I resonated strongly with the Fi component, and also with the concept of my Te pushing me to make a quick decision and subsequently getting into situations that ended up not truly being in alignment with “me”. I took the official mbti (work required) years ago. I tested INFP; however, it was a dark time for me wrt my job and I was definitely not functioning in my normal manner, ie zero sense of flow.
      Besides being something of a wanderer, too much of the infp description does not fit, not does it fit with a lot of how I have lived my life (I’m now 75). I have too much need for logical precision (mathematician and IT person), too much need for power, too impatient.
      Consequently, I thought maybe I’m intj but then didn’t connect with Trevor either – as I mentioned in a comment on your typing interview with him. I said in that comment that I believe I’m definitely NT of some form. Then I listened to you talk about Fi and it threw me back into disarray – which you might understand LOL is totally unacceptable to someone who needs both clarity and decisiveness.
      Oh, if only all these cognitive functions were truly “independent variables” my life would be so much easier…. At least it answers the question as to why I switched college majors from psychology to mathematics.
      Seriously, excellent job describing Fi from a different perspective than I have seen.

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