Podcast – Episode 0245 – Different Conversation Styles

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In this episode, Joel and Antonia have a free-form conversation about how they each approach conversation differently.

 

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In this episode Joel and Antonia have a free form conversation about how they each approach conversation differently. #podcast #personalgrowth

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Showing 22 comments
  • Godwin
    Reply

    I listen to you guys all the time I just want to say thank you. I’m not a student but I’ll like to become one of you students.

    • Godwin
      Reply

      I want to incorporate PH in my life.

  • Sharon
    Reply

    Just in case you find this an interesting perspective, I have a short story for you. I’m an INTJ in my mid 30s. Recently, a few of my sisters, my mom, and some female friends took me out for my birthday. We were about 14 people ages 18-65. I sat in the middle of the group (on purpose). I had a fantastic time. There were always 2-3 conversations happening at the same time and I just floated between all of them. I didn’t talk a lot, but found it was fantastic to be an observer of their natural conversation where there didn’t seem to be any pressure on me to contribute.

    The drama happened afterwards. There were at least three conversations (that I know of) that took place between friends and intimates where the person who knew me better had to give reassurance that I had not been disappointed or bored by the outing. There were three individuals who left the event convinced that since they hadn’t properly included me and drawn me into the various conversations that they had failed me. I couldn’t understand how this could have happened. Everyone at the table had spent one-on-one time with me prior to the event at least once. I’d known each person for a minimum of 2 years, but I’d known most for my whole life. I had spent the entire evening relaxed, gathering insights, effectively getting to know each of these women better, and they’d not been able to tell that I was actually enjoying myself immensely.

    I know I’m hard to read, and when reflecting on it, I’m sure I had my thinking face on (rbf). However, I also know that I did contribute a few times quite naturally. More importantly, though, I was always physically leaning into the group and particularily into the conversation that held my interest at the time. If I wasn’t leaning in, I probably just leaned back briefly with my head cocked to the side – a short pause to recalibrate an assumption I had – before leaning in again.

    I think most people get caught on silence=boredom, and they also stop reading feedback from others after observing their facial expressions. My body language is a much better indicator of how I’m doing. Although I have no control over the impassive scowl when I’m busy analyzing things and taking in new information, I also have no control over showing interest by getting as physically close to the conversation as possible. The latter should be reassuring, even if the former puts you off. Anyone who knows someone with a face like mine, read their shoulders (still facing you? assume all is good and carry on).

    Is there standard body language related to specific types?
    When not directly facing the world with my resting b***h face, I have a tendency to tilt my head when I’m taking in new information. It’s often accompanied by narrowing my eyes from below (by lifting cheek muscles). I’ve seen people physically retreat when I do this, but I’ve figured out that adding a smile looks more frightening to them. My actual thought process is usually very kind in nature even with this look on my face, but I think it usually takes me a few seconds to process and react to their retreat. I often have to find ways to make ammends for what my face did later so I don’t alienate people I genuinely care for.

    Completely unrelated to this, thanks for the explanation on Ni and what it actually is and does. It was really liberating to have it described in a way that was meaningful to me and how I’ve always observed myself. The internet (often including explanations by other Ni dominants) has it either wrong or so narrow that it misses key strengths and limitations. This isn’t really surprising when each person is building either on the misconceptions of others, or on poor language choices that they estimate will work for the majority of the audience even if they’re missing elements of authenticity that other Ni dominants will resonate with.
    Looking forward to reading your book!

  • Sara
    Reply

    I haven’t completely understood Enneagrams and most tests put me at either 4 or 6 and I can relate to both but I’m consistently getting a sexual result and that makes so much sense when it comes to conversational style. I am an ENFP and I do have a tendency to perform but whenever I want to have a conversation with someone, I want to connect. If I’m comfortable with them, I would act like Antonia and share personal stories about myself while expecting something similar in return.

    I notice that I even do that in online social groups. Maybe it’s related to me being an extrovert but I want to connect with everyone in the group on a much deeper level than just the casual conversations or conversations around the topic that united us. When I joined my first one as a teen, it bugged me whenever someone answered ‘I’m fine, thanks’ to a ‘how are you’ question. I would tell you how my cat suddenly popped up with a wound in its chest and we’re trying to get her well again but couldn’t afford the vet and I was surprised that some of them found that sudden spew of words off putting because now I’ve put them in a situation where they had to navigate through trickier social constraints (until they get to know me and knew that I just want them to be authentic).

    When it comes to new or unfamiliar group settings, I have a bit of a social anxiety so I tend to be the quiet one who just observes and only speak when spoken too. It’s not that I don’t understand the social norms but I can’t adhere them and be honestly authentic with myself. I would feel like I’m lying to everyone. It used to be a source of conflict between me and my INFJ and ESFJ parents to whom social norms come very naturally and they thought that I was acting the fool and being rebellious especially since I act so well when I’m in my elements.

    For example, when I was on a talk show, I could switch into a performance role and to an outside, I looked very much in my elements so my father especially thought that I was just calling attention to myself when I say I don’t know how to navigate through social conventions because sitting for a TV interview is much, much harder than talking to an acquaintance for most people. But for me, performing and conversing are two different things and I can’t replace one need with the other. And I don’t need to converse in order to perform. If I notice that someone is paying a little too much attention to me as I’m going about something mundane, I’ll act a little eccentric, just as an entertainment to both of us.

    But I have never considered looking at my Enneagram variant when it comes to conversational styles and I think you have walked upon something fascinating here. Thanks for sharing your experiment results with us!

  • Myra Shelley
    Reply

    I’m an ENFJ, and I don’t know enough about that to know how it relates to me in the context of group conversations, but I can really relate to Joel in this instance. When I enter a social event, I have a tendency to be loud and interactive, but what I find myself doing within a short time is looking around and noticing those who aren’t being drawn into conversation. At that point I start “working the room” to do all I can to make sure nobody feels left out. It’s something I’ve observed my doing over and over again. I take two things away from this experience.

    First of all, I tell myself that the person (people) I’m trying to draw in might actually be made more uncomfortable by my attention. In other words, they might be extremely introverted and really prefer to just be left alone, but I’m incapable of allowing that. I’ve challenged myself with the idea that I might be addressing my need to make sure everyone is included at the expense of those who would really prefer not to have my spotlight on them. On the other hand, that’s not necessarily what I’m experiencing during those interchanges, so I’m not really sure.

    Secondly, what ends up happening for me in these situations is that I don’t join the conversations I really want to be in that might be going on across the room. While it’s almost impossible for me not to notice who isn’t being included, I wonder how much good I’m actually doing for myself and others. If anyone has ideas about this, I’d be interested to hear them.

  • Rowena
    Reply

    I’m (as far as I can make out) an INTP, 5w4 spsosx, and for me, the art of conversation has been something I’ve had to learn over time.
    As a child I was very shy with anyone who wasn’t a relative/close friend, and feared meeting people and being put into a conversation with strangers. The threat of awkward silences was scary. Over the years I’ve learned how to communicate most of the time. However, I worry that sometimes I overcompensate either by saying inappropriate things, or being garrulous, or smiling too broadly. It’s as if my brain has decided that social contact is an all-or-nothing situation because I’m still rather clueless about what is or isn’t appropriate. One thing I know is that I hate being misunderstood – either in terms of my character or whatever point I am trying to make about a given subject. In most cases I would rather give a long winded explanation about something, than lie with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. My need for accuracy will not allow it, even though it would be so much simpler to pretend.

    When it comes to topics of interest/expertise, I have a lot to say e.g. I was always raising my hand in class if it were a subject I liked. But during lunch breaks I would often sit by myself, or else wander round and round the school thinking or muttering to myself about whatever was on my mind.
    It seems, too, that I have been perceived as aloof, when I was just shy, or unable to adapt. I was teased a lot at school and that’s stuck with me and I’ve often kept myself to myself. For example, when I began my current job my boss was pleased with my work, but said I wasn’t friendly enough and that nobody knew how to approach me because I looked serious or angry. I had literally no idea that this was the case. All I knew was I was doing my best to be sociable, but I wasn’t currently ready to be friends with my colleagues. This revelation from my boss has led me to adopt a rather over-the-top persona at work so as to fit in better and avoid further comment. It’s been, quite frankly, exhausting. I’m now attempting to be myself again and not care. She still thinks I’m not friendly enough whatever I do, so I’ve stopped trying.

    I think one of the things that helped me a lot, and still helps me, is performing. I’m a musician and often sing and act on stage. I know this may seem odd for an INTP, but I find it helps as being somebody else for a little while, and pretending to express certain emotions can be extremely cathartic. I don’t much like being in the spotlight in real life, even when I’m being applauded after a performance, but being on stage is probably the best feeling in the world. Besides, there’s so much more to music than mere emotions. I could go on and on and link music to perhaps every other academic subject, but that’s another story…I once had somebody come up to me and tell me how great it was that I was “not a diva”. They seemed to think that because I’m an operatic soprano I would automatically be a highly strung, overly demanding bitch.
    Anyway, what I meant was that (despite not being a diva!) developing onstage personae has helped me react and interact in real life situations. It’s not that I’m lying, as such, but I am often enhancing my responses, or at least, finding a way to cope. I suppose it’s that ‘social chameleon’ attribute in action.

    I’d be intrigued to know if other INTPs find that they swing between timid silence and nervous babbling when chatting. As a child, when in a babbly phase, I could be rather outspoken and abrasive, accidentally offending friends or teachers, but I have learnt to curb and refine my responses more often these days.

    • Rowena
      Reply

      ETA: I love to have one-to-one discussions about interesting topics, but it took me years to realise that I was supposed to respond to the initial “How are you?” with “Fine, how are you?”
      I’d reply but I would have trouble with just saying “Fine”. I’d rather not be engaging in the small talk at all, but if I reply I want it to be accurate. Now, I try to say “Fine”, but will often say “I’m here/alive” instead as it’s still accurate, but less vague than “Fine”.
      I used not to ask the question in return because (unless I genuinely wanted to know how the person was) I found it pointless, but now I ask because I know that other people value the politeness of social convention.

      I have noticed, though, a sort of Greeting Loop in the past few years:
      Person 1: “How are you?”
      Person 2: “I’m fine, how are you?”
      Person 1: “I’m fine, how are you?”

      Why has Person 1 asked twice? They started it!

  • L
    Reply

    Interesting topic. I often come away from conversations kicking myself because I’ve tried to connect one-on-one, when other people just wanted a fun social chat. ‘Listener mode’ is definitely a safer bet, except with very like-minded friends. (INTJ/1 Sx)

  • James
    Reply

    Antonia, Joel and staff,
    This may help you guys find more depth in understanding conversational styles, without boxing things in with Sociology or MBTI terms only. I wouldn’t mind if you guys thought of interviewing this author too on the subject I think it would provide some good information for a podcast.

    Books I’m reading:

    That’s Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships by Deborah Tannen

    I only say this because I love you by Deborah Tannen

    Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them by Holly Weeks

    You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

    Two more for mothers and women:

    You’re Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

    You’re the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women’s Friendships by Deborah Tannen

    As an INTJ I found these to be very informative. I thought I was condescending or putting others down as I’ve been accused of, however over the years I’ve really softened my approach toward others with disclaimers or introductions to subjects I wanted to talk about or even before I make statements. I had an INFJ ask me if I thought she was stupid or something, I had to tell her i fact no I didn’t I actually enjoyed talking to her because of how intelligent I found her and that I often share information not knowing if the listener knows what I know or not, sometimes I forget to ask if they know before I open my big mouth and dump facts all over someone. What I found from Deborah Tannen’s books was that I have a normal male style of communication which is informative, teaching, reporting and direct in context and it’s all about the message not the meta-message, there’s usually no underlying subjective meaning as many women communicate in. It’s usually single layer speech where as women can have complex multi-layered speech with many subtle meta-messages of the actual direct meaning. I found the differences enlightening, however the only thing the books are lacking for me is solutions or corrections to speech, so I keep looking for better ways to connect to those that use more Fe as co-pilot. Any recommendations for me would be helpful.

    I still recommend these as they are gems for understanding ourselves better and do explain how some things that are said are not in the right context of our understanding and how others view us based on our conversational styles.

    I think the most key point of information I learned from these is that conversation is nurture not nature and is formed in early childhood according to Deborah Tannen. So this would mean that if I seem condescending or acting superior it maybe what people hear based on their past experience with authority figures or primary caregivers.

    I hope this helps others as it did me.

  • Kathleen Erickson
    Reply

    As an ENTJ, I think of conversation as imparting information, advice, etc., not as entertainment. Rambling conversation is not that entertaining to me, and what everyone in a group would find entertaining at the same moment seems doubtful to me to find easily. I like it when parties break up into small groups for “real conversation”. I gave a party once where a guest (a real estate agent) moved all the chairs in my house into one room and made a circle for everyone. He could not stand that he was missing out on the separate conversations. So the rest of the afternoon was about sports, real estate, taxes, etc., too me really boring! I have learned from introverts close to me that they like to listen, AND they like the extroverts to be quiet once and a while so the introverts can process what’s been happening and think about what they want to say. I know as an extrovert I really don’t give them much time or room. I have also stopped asking so many questions. People have plenty to say without being interrogated. If speed is so important to an extrovert (and everything being interesting every minute), maybe they should leave the group for a while and let it get on conversationally at its own speed. Recent research shows that extroverts think they run a meeting best, but it turns out they don’t — they shut others down. These are all things I am working on. Relationships need “quality time” and that is often quiet and not necessarily content-rich. When I first heard about “quality time” in an intimate relationship, I thought it was mis-named, because it sounded to me like the opposite of “quality” and more like just putting in some hours every week to be together — which it is — but still very important to be in each other’s energy field in a relaxing way with not so serious conversation some of the time.

  • Alex Warren
    Reply

    I’m not sure what I am. I’m an ENTP and I do share the sentiment of Antonia in a group conversation. However, I sometimes channel it into entertaining the whole group. Actually now that I think of it, I go up to a group of people I’m not comfortable with and basically start up stand up comedy to get the whole group paying attention to what I am saying. Once it’s done it’s job, I tell them what I wanted to tell them. I have been known to bulldoze people and groups to get what I want. But I can also be a very passive group conversationalist but I really don’t prefer that.

  • Ivanka
    Reply

    My conversation style was like Antonia 5 years ago(I’m also a sx subtype), I’m easily bored with small talk so I direct it in conversations about gender, feminism, psychopathy, intelligence, smoking habits etc I was a palm reader at high school so I used that too as a conversation tool so they could vent to me about their daily problem while me using my Ni dom pieced intuitive patterns to guess about their life (I was pretty good lol). Recently I got through depression so I lost the vigor I once have, so I’m very quiet now and rehearsing myself to do typical small talks. I wish to go back to how I was, but it has been quite difficult

  • Bailey
    Reply

    I would really love to hear more as well on how to fine tune and develop conversational skills based on type, as well as perhaps common faults or mistakes made by each type. I was really excited about this episode because this is such a fascinating subject to me.

    I dont completely identify with a single personality type yet. So far, I identify equally with INFJ and INTJ. Im working on a chart. I’m sure that’s weird and there’s just a big piece I’m missing, and it will be so obvious when I fill in that gap, but that’s where I’m at currently. So… I, like seemingly everything in my life, am split. On several levels. I even wrote out an entire chart of how I react to conversations with men, women, groups, individuals, friends, foes, people who have power over me, people I have power over, people I am or am not attracted to….it was a long list.

    I felt like the biggest struggle for me was trying to figure out how my brain is wired based on my abilities to converse with individuals one on one vs my ability to converse with large groups (weather that be in a speech giving scenario or a large party of people scenario) I learned a lot, and nothing. It told me nothing further to support one specific type or the other. But this is the jist of what I learned….

    I can easily and comfortably, having confidant thoughts and actions as well as speaking fluidly and intelligently, talk to someone one on one. We can stay surfacey or go deep. As long as it’s healthy, it energized me!!! These positive experiences result I think, because usually I’m comfortable with that person. I may know them well, or I might be attracted or drawn to them attracted to them. Or I might be at work. I’m a sommelier and I wait tables and this professional yet personal exchange can be the easiest thing in the world for me.
    But some days…I can’t do this. With the same people. And I havnt yet figured out if it’s the result of my energy or theirs. People arnt consistent. Sometimes they show up and they are, off. Or maybe I’m off. Either way the energy is distracting. I say stupid things, awkward things all the time! I’m nervous. I feel judged. I’m watching their eyes, lips, body for clues. I try to listen to not what they are saying but why they are saying it. Granted. I do this all the time but when the energies are off I put this on overdrive and its defensive. I notice my conversation skills deminish in response to my need to observe and infer. My conclusion was that given all the right circumstances a one on one deep and meaningful conversation can be the most energizing thing I experience all week. And a negative version of this is probably one of the things I hate more than anything else and is probably why I generally avoid deep conversations with anyone unless I truely trust them, weather that be in the moment with a stranger or my closest friend. A bad one on one can leave me feeling dead inside for weeks.

    Conclusion, I am both a very strong and very poor one on one conversationalist.

    Now groups. I avoid talking in groups. If it’s a positive party environment I usually observe mostly. And just take in the moments unfolding. I dislike getting distracted from this to partake in small talk but I can do it gladly if it’s a comfortable situation. I have also been very energized by these positive encounters.
    However. If the group energy is off or disjointed or there’s drama or tension this is slightly less uncomfortable than the bad one on one encounters. I usually try to flee these situations and if it’s a family party for example where I can’t leave I have turned to alcohol to make me social. And then suddenly I can act like an extrovert and a sensor and no one things I’m secretly dying inside. I also have a very easy time addressing large crowds or teaching groups as long as I’m in a good frame up mind. This usually requires work beforehand. But I do enjoy this attention and respect. But will you ever see me take charge of my group of friends?? 😂😂😂 no.

    Conclusion, I am both a very strong and very poor In group conversationalist.

    This all gets so complex and neuanced in my head and I’m still just trying to connect all the dots to make sense of how I’m wired. But I really enjoyed this podcast and am looking forward to more insights on this matter.
    Either way. Thanks for being an awesome guide to help me find answers.

    Then

  • Phillip Jacobs
    Reply

    I’ll show you my ego if you show me yours. Oh that’s a healthy ego. Or am I the only one that pees in the shower. I wish I could think of these things when I am actually talking to them. All the best.

  • Graham
    Reply

    I’m not sure how I would describe my conversation style. However, I have found that I like to go deep instead of wide.

    In fact, I’ve found that I walk away from an event where I went deep feeling very energized, whereas in a situation where I had to have small talk with a bunch of people I go away feeling almost anxious, like something is missing.

    The other challenge is being able to carry on a conversation. If it’s something that appeals to my dominant functions (Fi-Ne), I can talk all day and into the night with someone, but I get very bored and distracted if the conversation moves to something like sports or whatever.

  • Julie
    Reply

    What he is describing is the controlling aspect of codependency. He needs to feel he is in control. Highly common in codependency. Nothing to do with personality. The other side of the codependent coin is called dependent. So his conversation partner’s will be forced into a dependent style. He has to feel in control over his entire reality. This stems from insecurity.

    • Izzy
      Reply

      As humans we will always have a level of dependancy co-dependancy on others. I think that to say these things has nothing to do with personality is incorrect. I believe that certain personality types are more likely to become controlling (co-dependant) and other types more likely to become dependent on other’s to take control. This is not to say it is not important for each type to integrate the other side of themselves to become healthier and happier.

    • Antonia Dodge
      Reply

      (The following reply assumes the ‘he’ you’re referring to is Joel. If I misread your comment, my apologies.)

      I can’t see anything that would paint Joel in this way other than his acknowledgment that he’s working through something that may be imbalanced (he called it an ‘overreach’ of responsibility). To exaggerate it into “codependent, controlling and insecure” appears to be weaponizing his transparency. It also ignores systems thinking. To say his behavior stems from a single thing (insecurity) and not to do with his personality (or the skill building and experiences from his life) is ignoring the principle of behavior being the emergent of an entire system running.

      As a person who has observed him for nearly a decade, I think his behavior is neutral at its core and only ‘good’ or ‘bad’ depending upon context. That is, great in many contexts, neutral in some, and bad in very few. I’m similar – I acknowledged that my conversational style was controlling (the desire to go deep), which is also neutral depending upon context.

      -A-

  • DG
    Reply

    I had to laugh at the ENFP vomiting rainbows onto INTJs comment because I actually relate to that to a certain extent, though I find it could really be with any type. I have called a habit of mine “word vomiting” wherein I just completely overshare, usually details about myself.

    Also, I will sometimes come off way too strong and fail to recognize the actual atmosphere and what people may or may not be receptive to. I also have the tendency to go off in lengthy tangents and diatribes, which is essentially sometimes like dumping a bucket of ice water on a person’s head, and they do not really know how to react.

    As a self-preservation subtype I will admit that to do tend to often branch off into topics of “things that can kill you” or “be dangerous” or “terrible things that have happened in general.” This has actually caused people to falsely accuse me of lacking empathy because I have developed a way to distance myself from such topics in the moment so I am not completely overwhelmed by emotion. And that is very jarring to people sometimes.
    My underlying philosophy is that we all need to know about negative things that happen so we can better ensure that these can be avoided, prevented, or worked through in a more constructive manner. But sometimes people don’t realize that I am trying to draw attention to an issue so we can hypothetically or maybe literally work our way around it.

    A good example of this happened a few weeks ago actually. I was in the campus dining hall eating dinner with two very good friends of mine who are INFPs. Being NFPs, we always have a very easy dynamic and flow in our conversations. My male INFP friend was questioning why his mom told him not to put a diagnosis of autism on job application back when he was applying for his first part-time job. I suggested that maybe she wanted to help him avoid the stigma the label often carries so a potential employer would not write him off before getting to talk with him. My INFP friend replied, “But it’s true, so why wouldn’t I.” I very nonchalantly and matter-of-factory said “There’s a huge stigma there. Some people would rather have their kids never receive a vaccine and die than have an autistic kid.” My other INFP friend reacted very viscerally to this. She actually flinched, and you could tell that what I said really dig into her core. She knew that I do not agree with the stigma or think the way I was describing, though I emphasized that just to make sure, but even my simple reminder of something negative really struck her in the core. Maybe as someone with auxiliary Fi, I have an easier job separating myself from that core, and I think my Te really takes over then and gets matter of fact about what is actually there in happening.

    The important thing is that I realized immediately when I crossed the boundary and I made sure my friend was okay. I definitely need to work more on my secondary social instinct and reading the mood more in anticipation for when something like this might come up.

    I also have the tendency to answer hypothetical questions and statements literally. At times, I have gone into lecture mode because I thought the person genuinely wanted an answer and I had a pretty good stab at it.

    I have also tend to subconsciously start diminishing things when I notice people putting them too high on a pedestal. This happens a lot when people talk about the “good old days” and I can rapid fire list plenty of unidealistic events that happened during any era someone wants to peg. I also do this with discussions of public figures, especially political ones where I draw their supposed perfection into question. I think this might have to do with the skepticism of myself as a 6. When I see people blindly putting their faith in an individual or an institution they do not or cannot know on an intimate level, I always endorse caution because I see that as a prime path for getting seriously hurt.

    While that is more negative, I find that I often am the person to bounce between topics. I am often not sure how I do it, but I’m always making connections as I speak in real time. I do this in order to keep it interesting. I also really enjoy listening because I have an innate curiosity about other people and what they are thinking. I find sharing my thoughts and experiences helps most people feel more comfortable sharing their ideas or perspectives. I can personally do this in groups better as I tend to freeze up when in a one to one interaction with someone I do not know well. A group is more appealing to me because there is more potential information sand insights to be gathered and there are more people to help keep the conversation going.

    I also have done quite a bit of work around framing the questions I ask. I don’t want to come off as potentially challenging if I ask someone why they have an opinion I don’t agree with. I find that not repeatedly asking them if they do not give you an answer is the best way to go. My curious nature really wants to know why they see the world as they do, but the person might not have deeply considered the rational or the do not know how to properly express it. I’ve also learned to refrain from placing my experience and disagreement in the question. I subliminally emphasize that my intent is to learn.

    I also always try to find the middle ground when there is a disagreement. I’m fairly good at mediating between opposing factions because I can normally draw from both sides and gain a report with all parties involved. Then the trick is helping the people to see the middle ground, which is difficult and beyond my capabilities at times. This strategy is also useful when I come into contact with a point of view that I disagree with, but I am not in a good position to do so for whatever reasons. Sometimes I will try to deflect to bigger issues that have a degree of commonality to them. One handy tool in political conversations that I have found is to emphasize that another, less controversial issue is more important. I find that most people will agree with you that the government should not take social security money and spend it on other things as that should go to the retired. This can backfire if people actually seem to think the issue on hand is the most important or realize what I am doing, the latter very few people have ever done.

    I also feel that I have a very self-preservation tactic when tensions start flaring or the conversation strays into dangerous territory. In my mind, I slam on the hypothetical breaks and then try to turn the situation into my hall court so that I can change the topic. Many times, I see a conflict brewing and I want to avoid the source of that conflict. I find that my knack for storytelling and recounting things has really helped me in this because it captivated others attention. I know conflict is going to happen, but I sort of throw certain protection mechanisms up around myself and sometimes those around me.

    It is very interesting to think about the little, subliminal intricacies in communication style. I am sure I probably have more that I have yet to recognize.

  • Kate
    Reply

    As an INFP I tend to struggle with carrying conversations (it usually looks like me spewing personal ideas out of nervousness and then getting a response of *crickets chirping and blank stares* 🙈) and a lot of my friends are introverts (picture long awkward pauses and uncomfortable stares). I would LOVE to hear more about the conversation types and how to grow in this area!!!

  • Jane
    Reply

    this seriously spoke to me! I am an ENFP, but a sexual subtype, so I completely relate to Joel’s feeling of responsibility to the vibe of the room, but also Antonia’s experience of killing a conversation when you walk up to it!!!!!! There are certain things about me that have always confused me, because they seem to be complete contradictions (like being an extrovert but then killing a conversation vibe), & getting these connections elaborated really made me feel seen & heard. I have always wanted to hear another person’s perspective on sensors’ conversation vs. intuit’s Conversation. My family is all sensors w me being the only intuitive, & it has resulted in me knowing exactly how I should talk with them, but experiencing a completely different dynamic in my own personal life where I feel alive & understood in conversation. For the longest time I thought I was “bad” at normal conversation, or just didn’t quite fit. It’s taken a while to see that everyone has their own take & I just hadn’t found my own community yet.

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