Podcast – Episode 0250 – Self Discipline and Self Boundaries

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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about protecting your energy by creating good boundaries – not only with other people – but with yourself.


In this podcast you’ll find:

  • Life is not a dress rehearsal podcast
  • Everywhere we turn we see society trapped in a drama triangle
  • We put too much power into the hands of victims
  • We must recoup what we have lost in the drama triangle and turn it into an empowerment dynamic
  • The Drama Triangle is dress rehearsal mentality
  • “Something has to be fixed before I can live my life.”
  • If we want to make an impact in the world, we need to be militant about protecting boundaries
  • We sometimes have to set limits with ourselves
  • Creating boundaries with yourself requires self-discipline
  • Noble distractions – the distraction itself may not be unhealthy, but it may be unhealthy for you
  • Some of us have to opt out of the social justice drama to avoid getting lost in the perceived nobility of it all
  • The more you know where you’re heading, the less you can be pulled in directions that are distractions from what you’re supposed to do.
  • We all want our lives to matter
  • What is the point of posting things that create anger or righteous indignation in yourself and others?
  • If our lives are going to matter we have to stop doing the crap we have done up until now
  • We focus on individuals helping themselves and try to avoid current events and political alliances
  • When we don’t have to deal with the drama of survival, it is easy for us to attach to other forms of drama to make our lives mean something
  • Virtuous distractions can rob you of the energy you need to reach your true potential
  • Are you staying on a nutritious path or being distracted by the purpose version of candy
  • The universe doesn’t care about how many Facebook likes you have
  • Posting stuff to Facebook doesn’t help anybody. Take action yourself.
  • Change comes when you change the minds and hearts of people
  • No savior is going to make the changes necessary. We have to be the savior!
  • If we are going to see a change in the world we have to do it.
  • When you grow up in the context of social media you imagine that what happens virtually happens literally. But that’s not how it works.
  • The same skills that work in social media don’t translate to the physical plane
  • People under 30 spend 41% of their day on their phone.
  • We are becoming more disconnected from each other
  • Social media seduces us into thinking we are doing something by being engaged with it
  • It is powerful for people to be physically in each other’s presence
  • Our infrastructure is crumbling because we live in a virtual world.
  • Everyone believes things have to change for someone to live the life they want, but it happens in the opposite
  • People go and do the things that are important to them, and they gain empowerment along the way
  • Self-actualization is an emergent that comes from getting into action
  • Don’t mistake online rules for real-world rules. They aren’t transferable
  • Protect yourself against the seduction of the things that siphon your mental real estate
  • The drama from social media is not a giver. It is a taker. You don’t get anything from it but synthetic hits. It’s like Cheetos. There’s no nutritional value.
  • When you try to do something big and you have a trajectory even if you don’t accomplish your task you will still make progress because you are in action.
  • We frame personal growth as being an epic action that changes the world, but sometimes it is just something small.
  • The legacy you leave on Facebook is not going to be your legacy. It won’t have a lasting impact
  • Millennials: It isn’t your job to save the world
  • Being empowered doesn’t mean you saved the world. You may be a great parent or human being.
  • You impact the world by having every person who engages with you have a better experience
  • The idea that you have to change the world is outsourced thinking. There are no rules that say you have to change the world.


 In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about protecting your energy by creating good boundaries - not only with other people - but with yourself. #boundaries #selfdiscipline

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Showing 13 comments
  • Jessica

    INFP, F, 36

    As our society evolves and breaks down I believe that acknowledging my privilege and integrating that knowledge into how I show up as a citizen has been a part of my personal growth. I don’t feel the need to be a hero for the entire planet.

    Antonia, I hear again and again in your content that the idea of victimhood in the news rubs you the wrong way but I think there is a valid in-between place where you can apply how to be a better citizen into your personal growth narrative without feeling like it’s your job to do it for everyone. Your podcast is about personal growth and I don’t think anyone expects you to address social justice issues…

    The #metoo movement gave me the strength to scream at a man who was following me down a dark alley to “stop following me!” (After the same man had done it to me before and I had to run away too scared to say anything) and screaming at him loudly made him stop and other people take notice so I was safer. I don’t see how that is a drama triangle. I think that was standing up for myself after consciously understanding that street harassment is not ok for women to put up with after all the awareness of the #metoo movement was present in my mind. See what I mean?

    • Antonia Dodge

      Almost everything I say comes from a calibrator perspective. When I indicate caution for aspects of modern movements it’s not to imply there is no value in them. If any specific movement is emboldening you to see yourself as a creator in the world, to act with assertiveness and stand up for yourself then in those contexts you are not in the Drama Triangle, but in the Empowerment Dynamic. I’m sincerely glad the #MeToo movement has been helpful for you in this way.


      p.s. I receive email and messages from people (exclusively women at this point) who are unhappy that I’m not championing their cause more. I’ve been accused of being a bad feminist and a lazy leader for not being at the forefront of social causes. To some extent, what you hear is me trying to clearly articulate that is not my path.

  • Rachael

    If this is inappropriate, I suppose I apologize(sorta😉). But I absolutely loved hearing Joel’s anger, truth, And passion because it’s far and few between when he let’s himself go like that.

    I struggle with this all the time… I can’t read any post on FB when I already know what that post is triggering because my intp female logical challenging self can be hard to reel in.

    Thank you for giving your truth and taking the negative hits such as less likes, less followers, and perhaps more confrontations.

    Again, Joel you are amazing when you allow yourself to express in regards to those deaL breaker values you have. I normally resonate with Antonia’s point of view but Joel does and should snap me be back to other insightful perspectives.

    I appreciate both of you.

  • Tessa

    First, I LOVE this podcast. You guys are my friends in my head and I am considering driving “miles and miles” to meet you and all the like-minded people you attract at your meet-ups.

    The high-level point that resonated with me, and that has been my biggest “aha” moment over the last year or so, is how important being accountable for my life is and how important it is to me to be around others who are interested in being accountable for their lives. I think this may be where the larger shift, that so many of us are seeking, resides.

    I literally used the “board of directors” analogy in a conversation with my husband a few weeks ago: it seems as though there is a committee that directs him about what he should have and how he should be living his life, but, oddly enough, it seems that he is not a member of this committee himself. It was crazy and really comforting to hear someone, with whom I’ve never had a conversation, use the same analogy.

    I appreciate you guys for what you do.

  • Naana

    Thanks for the podcast Antonia and Joel. I think I have reached the end of the road with PH podcasts. I appreciate all the value I have gained from your team. I think what made me uncomfortable about this podcast was what was implied by the kind of boundaries you guys addressed (Or didn’t, I can’t say for sure). I am at a stage in life where participation in social issues be it through social media or with my friends is important. Partly because I am affected and am generally at risk of being impacted negatively by systemic issues of justice especially in school. I still work as hard as I can but face certain obstacles as I do so. So not everyone can draw boundaries when it comes to dealing issues of social injustice and that’s ok. I guess my boundary is saying goodbye to this podcast. ❤

  • Phillip Jacobs

    Spot on. Putting s little work into something instead of bitching goes s long way. My personal growth is looking for the small wins and being passionate about it. Not just looking to be the superhero all the time and reacting so much to the outside world. Enjoy what your doing and be proactive. Way to step up your game guys!

  • Michie

    Dear Joel and Antonia,

    Thank you for this podcast. It is so hard to not get drawn into the social media emotional black hole and the feeling of doing something when it is accomplishing nothing. I noticed a long time ago that the facebook soapbox does nothing and have gone months (over several years now) without even looking at it.

    Here is a little backstory first. I am a Japanese American. During World War II, my grandfather led negotiations and hunger strikes in the relocation camp to try to bring better living conditions and eventual freedom to the Japanese American population. Three of his sons went into education. I work at a community college as an audiovisual technician (we get the classroom technology working for instructors). We serve largely low income, ethnically diverse students. I have always seen education as a way to help people live a better life and give them better opportunities. It has been a hard road for me to get myself out of the hero role in the drama triangle.

    At the beginning of the semester, our president made a speech to the faculty and staff to give him ideas to not just graduate our students, but help them succeed in life. I did not dismiss this as the usual lip service call to have people send emails that will never be read, and instead wrote (ironically similar to my soapbox facebook posts) an email on encouraging people to give students letters of recommendation without prompting. He liked it. A month after the semester started, there was hate speech grafiti found in a bathroom, and then a few more places. The campus was in an uproar. I sent another email saying this was unfortunately a sign of a weak culture at the college. To really change racism, we as the employees of the college need to step up the building of a strong, healing, and diversity inclusive culture. He again thanked me for my input. This past weekend, the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting occurred. The president’s office posted on Monday we would gather together to talk about the tragedy, they called me to get some help, today we are having an assembly.

    So that was my long winded way of saying sending what might have been a facebook post to the people in a position to do something about it, can have real changes. I sent what would have been my soapbox moment to the president of our college, offered my help and change is happening. And thank you, I would not have had the guts to voice my views to the president of the college if I hadn’t been growing myself with personality hacker blogs and podcasts over the past year.


    • Antonia Dodge

      That’s fantastic! Exactly the purpose of the podcast’s intent – to encourage actions (large or small) that make a real difference. <3


  • Mark

    Thank you for this.

    This was like being on a hike at night. You reach a place where you’re far enough away from the lights of the city to really see the stars. A vast, innumerable number of stars that boggle your mind and help you frame your place in the universe. At moments like that you feel small, still and insignificant – as do your problems, concerns and frustrations. The world – the universe – makes so much sense and all you want is stay inside that moment forever.

    Then you return to ‘the real world’ and it seems to take no time at all to be get caught up in the stream of the tyranny of the ‘urgent’ that distracts and poisons the soul. The moment of clarity fades like a dream upon waking until you are left with nothing but a vague sense – impossible to recover.

    I once heard a health ‘expert’ who claimed that you need to drink double the amount of water to offset the amount of soda you drink. If you have 8 ounces of Coke, you must drink 16 ounces to offset it in your system. Whether accurate or not, it stuck with me. I determined when I was inside the moment of clarity this podcast provided to make sure I up my intake of water such as this on a regular basis to offset the effects of life and help me balance my system.

    Reminders like this, which invite a such a shift in perspective, could result in moments of clarity becoming hours of clarity and then perhaps lifetimes of clarity.

    Here’s to lifetimes of Drama Triangle free clarity.

  • Diane

    Thank you for this episode! I’ve been struggling with the constant push from social media and real-life friends to “take up my cause.” But as an INTJ, I see their well intentioned efforts (protests, sharing articles and memes, wearing X color for X cause) as futile and pointless. It feeds the victim culture which does only harm to true victims.

    My resistance to “joining up” has led to guilt and anxiety and even a touch of depression. So I go through cycles of avoiding media and social media, but then feeling guilt for ignoring real problems in the world, so I get sucked back in. You helped me realize that it’s all a distraction, and it’s depleting my time and energy that I could be using for tangible, positive outcomes for myself and others.

    Part of my business model is to give 10% of profits to causes important to me. Every minute I spend worrying about this is stealing money from those causes! I wouldn’t have made this connection without this very candid episode. Thank you.

  • Karen Lamb

    On a personal note, I am heartened to hear that you guys have made the decision to bring your daughter more into your day to day lives. As a former homeschooler/unschooler I think this is the key to success. To me (INFJ) the great gift of homeschooling is that our children are not separated from our lives (usually into an institution) where they get fed a synthetic version of life and learning; but instead they are integrated into the messy and meaningful ‘real’ world – under the loving eye of their family.Bravo you!

    On a different note, I am wondering if you might record some content on balancing focus on our goals with downtime, play and silence in our lives. I thought this podcast had a great message about creating boundaries that protect our purpose in life from distractions and energy drains, and I would love to hear a discussion on protecting our purpose and energy by allowing ourselves to not always focus on our goals, but to instead balance this focus with the kind of unfocussed activity that allows creativity to flourish.
    I have been inspired to ask about this because I happened, on this morning’s commute, to listen to chapter 5 of The Happiness Track, “Get More Done by Doing More of Nothing – The Secret to Accessing Creativity”. I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic 🙂

  • Kim Schell

    Wow! Just finished listening to this week’s podcast about self discipline and boundaries. How did this resonate with me? Let me count the ways!

    My biggest personal growth moment in last 3-6 months is honestly, finding you guys!

    As an INFJ, I have been working on developing my CoPilot of Harmony. Joel is right, it is sometimes excruciating to learn how to set boundaries. But I can see how it will be so valuable because my mission has become to help other’s find their journey in life. I am currently in training to become a yoga teacher and developing these boundaries energetically will be so helpful as I begin teaching.

    As a recently retired public school teacher, I now have the time and energy to put into developing my new mission. This includes developing a following on social media to help promote my business as a yoga teacher and a tutor to elementary school aged students. I totally identify with the “drama triangle” that Antonia spoke about. Thank you for naming that for me. I could see what was happening but didn’t have the vocabulary to connect to it. Now that I have that vocabulary, it will be easier for me to watch out for it and set that boundary.

    Getting sucked into trying to “change the world” has been weighing on my heart lately, especially with all that has been happening in our nation this last week. Your podcast has helped me re-focus and get back on track. The very next thing I’m going to do when I finish typing this is write down my mission statement for my business and my life!

    By the way, So. Florida is beautiful in the Winter. It might be the perfect location for a meetup in January. “Jus sayin”

    Thanks so much for the beautiful energy you both are putting out into the world. Trust me…you are making a difference.

    Namaste` y’all!

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