Podcast – Episode 0273 – Root Causes Of Insecurity

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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about the root causes of insecurity.

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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about the root causes of insecurity. #MBTI

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Showing 10 comments
  • Michael (A.A)

    List of Things I’m Insecure About (Because NFs keep telling me to express my emotions whenever I ask for advice).

    I’m used to Ti and Ne but the other functions. . . I’m not sure about.

    1. That being yourself, especially with your own unique logical views, obviously makes people more likely to hate you.
    2. I live in a world where people just argue things with insults rather than actual logical arguments, so I can’t expect people to listen to me when it’s impossible to logically predict that people will listen.
    3. It’s not that hard for me to eventually get bored of a friendship once I’ve learned enough from them and them from me, so I question whether I’m a good person due to this. Sometimes it just feels like I outgrew them.
    4. It’s so hard to be emotionally vulnerable when nearly everyone else keeps acting like they’re not. So don’t just be vulnerable to feel closeness just for yourself, but for others too.
    5. I feel so out of place with other online MBTI communities, because they just focus on being aware of personality traits rather than doing anything about it in personal development.
    6. I’ve researched about all kinds of social issues, and I feel guilty whenever an activist complains a topic is too uncomfortable to talk about. Because damn, I can be bad at doing that.
    7. I question my ability to maintain relationships with shared memories, because when people close to me make inside jokes of events that happened long before, I don’t really remember.
    8. I question being a good person when having a lack of sentimentality may come off as cold. The past? Been there. Done that. I could care less about mementos, and while I do have nostalgia pangs at times, especially for those close to me, it’s much less than most people.
    9. I am sometimes frustrated about my lack of ability to relate to people’s need for “the good ol days” because while I’ve heard of the psychology bias that people are biased to see the past as better, it’s the opposite to me. The past? It’s full of embarrassing memories and past regrets where everything was so much worse so I rather not remember it. The farther back I remember, the dumber and more immature I am, not to mention a lot of family and friends around me too, so why bother?
    10. I question my goodness and ability to be liked when unlike many people’s habits, I rarely ever reach the point of idealizing something too much. Most likely I get too cynical. So whenever people talk about idealizing a romantic partner, idealizing a dream career or idealizing society hopes, I can’t relate and believe talking about how I see things would just upset people. I do realize the difference between pessimism and realism, but it’s so annoying to constantly only hear advice for people who idealize and are overconfident in things when I am the complete opposite. Rationally, I know this does not make me a bad person, but man does my lack of sentimentality of things make me look more unsympathetic.

    I guess that’s enough venting for now.

  • Cecile

    oh man Antonia, you literally verbalized my insecurities. It’s not the capabilities within myself but within relationships that I have insecurities. I’ve had abandonment issues since I could remember my first dream, which was me losing my mom in a mall and not being able to find her. But it’s carried on into every failed relationship (which isn’t out of the norm by any standard and I’m also still great friends with many of them) or friendships that end, either due to a clear reason or inexplicably. I am confident with how I handle situations or work or things that require my cognitive skills. I have no clue what I’m doing that’s good or bad or works or doesn’t when it comes to interacting with other people and building relationships. Which is really ridiculous from outside in because I know that many of my more introverted friends think I’m an absolute social butterfly. Perhaps overcompensating? idk. What you said about well, after it’s happened several times (losing people), perhaps it’s not the world or other people, perhaps it’s me. I’m facing with the realization it’s becoming increasingly harder and harder to shake off this feeling. :/

  • Liam Beck

    First time I’ve posted here, but I have been listening to your podcasts for a couple of years now and have read your book. Love you stuff. I make it a point now to listen each week as it is a way for me to “sharpen the saw” and remind myself of things I need to work on.

    I wanted to reply as you asked about our types and our insecurities and I wanted to give a quick story on me (male ENFP) and the woman I love (female ISTJ) who is my direct opposite. So the insecurities I am going to list for us are more around relationships.

    My insecurity relates to me feeling like I am never enough for someone. That people will grow out of love with me, so I tend to skip my co-pilot of Authenticity and do what I think others want because I think that will ensure they keep loving me. I’ve been working on this one quite a bit as it made me lose who I really was in my first marriage and it makes me self-sabotage myself as I’m no longer me and the reason people loved me is gone as I’m trying to be what they want and not the person they fell in love with.

    My ISTJ girlfriend is the opposite in that she knows how deeply I love her, but her insecurity is that she feels she can’t show me that love back. It’s not comfortable for her and she tends to hold back and she’s told me before how she is concerned she doesn’t know how to show me how she feels.

    So we get into this loop where I don’t feel loved enough so I want her to show me more. And she doesn’t know how to always show me so she hides in that and puts her walls up further. We almost broke up once for this exact reason until we both realized what is going on. When I control my insecurity I can look through this and pick up on the every little thing she does show me. And she doesn’t need me to remind her everyday of how much I love her, but give her the security that I see and recognize what she is giving me.

    It’s a challenge for two people who are direct opposites in our cognitive stacks. But when I settle down and can recognize my insecurities, and she does the same, we pick up on the important things and quit self-sabotaging ourselves.

    Great podcast and I look forward to the next part of this one.

  • Pracchi

    Hello there….l resonated with almost everything you both said..I’m an lNFP..l am a chartered accountant by profession,l was not interested in studying the subject but as l was unclear about what l wanted to do and as per my family’s wishes l pushed forward with it…luck was with me and l got good grades Everytime (even though I wished l could fail,so l could leave the stream) with so much mental/emotional pain… l am perpetually in a state of panic/insecurity in my job…as l don’t like or understand the subject…almost everyone around me says that I’m lucky to have a good job…but I know what kind of torture the past 15 years have been and still continue to be…it creates a lot of self doubt…wishing to have a different life…but don’t know how to start…as l feel alone with my thoughts and ideas…and also not knowing my limits in any thing else because living a lie everyday is an effort in itself….l turned to spirituality and psychology to keep myself sane all these years…

  • Brooke

    Wow great topic. Thoughts: yeah first thing is to define our terms. When I think of insecurity it relates to who I am not how I perform. As far as approaching a novel or failed situation, that I can see being tied to personaloty as far as anticipation of novelty versus fear of what’s unknown.
    However, I pretty much know myself, though I am optimistic for future growth and change. But sharing what I know about me, and risking rejection, is what causes “insecurity” in me. But I wouldn’t call that insecure, I call that fear. I look forward to the unknown in terms of mastery, so I am confident in my abilities to learn new skills.
    I also don’t ever feel a lack of secirity against threats. I have a masculine, or maybe a human, reaction (oh yeah I just remembered where you guys land on that other dynamic scale, I need to stop taking notes while listening and shut up and listen lol).
    Okay one thing I had wanted to say that came to mind awhile ago as I read the emails and listen to the podcasts is the tone will come off as more experienced and polished when there is a bit less meta. It is endearing and I think creates a powerful loyalty for the ones who stick it out, but the majority of consumers are accustomed to being presented with a finished project that has already gone through producers … which is a questionable standard for quality actually. Who the hell wants to be a lazy, obese consumer? Speaking of Joe Rogan, he struck out on his own and rejected the machine that edits and pre-approves blah blah
    I’m still taking notes while listening, I’ve gotta stop now, but nice to hear we are mostly in agreement.
    And I was wrong, don’t change a thing. Ya’ll are great. Of course I am one of the loyal core, not a marketing expert who could promise to deliver bigger numbers. But if it was me, I’d want to be real and insecure and maybe less wealthy with a few true admirers then to pull in huge numbers because I’ve made myself more appealing to more, beyond basic manners.
    But (last thing promise) that idea boils down to values of individualism versus values idolized by communal societies.
    Keep up the great work!

  • Nondescript

    You guys are usually awesome, but this podcast doesn’t stay on track. I stopped listening at some point because it was boring and meandering. Sorry!

  • Brooke

    Hi Jessie,
    Was reading/relating to your comment as a fellow INFJ, and as far as making decisions, I don’t think that is a result of insecurity. In fact be secure in your role as the non-decision maker, if needed. Whatever comes naturally to you, is fine. An army has one commander, everybody else gets to support the leadership as soldiers. They aren’t less than him.
    The way I think of it, is I am comfortable being a solid supporter of good leadership. Bad leadership, it depends, but I am more likely to ghost than criticize. Absent any leadership, I have no problem stepping up to the plate, and I am confident of my ability to do so,partly as part of my personality and partly because I worked at it, studied, reading “Boundaries with kids” by McCloud and Townsend for example.
    Anyway, just my two cents sis. 🙂

  • Greg

    This is actually the first podcast of yours I have listened to but will not be the last. You touched on one idea that has been mulling around in my brain for quite a while and that is the media’s influence on our perceived personal safety. As just one example, then I was in school, we all got to school on our own. Some walked, some rode bikes, some rode the bus but very few got dropped off by their parents. After school we were expected to get out of the house and do things. I personally often played in the creek behind our house or during summer or weekends rode my bike to local fishing spots. The only rule was to be back or call by a designated time. As a parent today I feel an enormous social pressure to be with my kid or have my kid looked after every minute of the day. I feel I am being looked at as a bad parent if I do not. If I have my kid walk to school I perceived as putting him in harms way. In looking at why the perception of safety has changed I looked at what statistics I could gather and from what I can see we are living in a moderately safer society than what I grew up in. So my conclusion is that the 24 hour news cycle has exposed us to much more evil in the world. The same or even less evil is out there as when I was a kid but now we are more aware of it and comparing our safety to the safety of people thousands of miles away. It has gotten to the point that if there is a shooting in Florida it effects the security measures in California. When I was a kid we got local news and if something was particularly horrific we might hear about it on national news. Now every time someone gets abducted or molested or harmed within a 3000 mile radius we hear about it and it goes viral creating far greater insecurity than we had before. So I would say to sum it up that there is a far greater perceived threat because of the media (in the timeline from WW2 to the present) even though the actual threat is somewhat less, leading to a perceived insecurity about our safety. As they say, ignorance can be bliss. This is of course just my interpretation and I look forward to your thoughts next week on how this perception changes in different personality types. Thanks

  • Adam

    Oh this podcast struck a cord! I am also INFJ. I listened to the podcast at work feeling extremely unauthentic, disconnected, and unable to be completely present literally while you were talking about big companies not allowing these things to happen in their workspaces.
    Great conversation. I love what y’all are doing. Your podcast is a big deal to me. Thank you so much for producing it.

  • Jessie

    Thank you for this podcast! It’s really got me thinking. I type as an INFJ, and as I was listening to your podcast, I kept thinking about the areas in my life I feel insecure about, and it was pretty much all areas except for my spiritual life. For example, my most urgent insecurity; I am accompanying a violinist in a recital tomorrow. I have played piano for 30 years and been in countless recitals, experienced positive and negative recitals, but I still feel so insecure about my abilities in that area! Why would that be? In this situation it may partially be because I only got the song 2 days ago, so I haven’t had alot of time to get really comfortable with it. I have also found through the years, though, one way I am able to face this insecurity is through my faith/belief in a higher power. I remember that He has a plan for me, and if it is important to that plan that I perform well, He can help me do that, and if it’s not, well then it’s not a huge deal if I don’t do well. One last thought, I have a really hard time making decisions, in parenting and my church leadership particularly. I assume this is related to my feeling insecure, but how? Will becoming more secure in myself help with my decision making? Thanks!

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