Podcast – Episode 0358 – Using Your 6th Function To Break A Loop – Part 4 (IxFJ – ExFP)

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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk with guest host Christian Rivera about using your 6th cognitive function in your stack to break a loop. This episode (Part 4) covers the INFJ, ISFJ, ESFP, and ENFP personality types.

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Showing 5 comments
  • Jane
    Reply

    I would have appreciated hearing some specific examples of the technique so I could getter a better grasp of it.

  • Elisabeth Weberg
    Reply

    Im puzzled by this podcast. From my observations, the main problem of the IxFJs is not that we are too critical of people. Rather, when not developed, we are the worst doormats/”cult members” of all. An enfp friend of mine helped me see how my overly pleasing, understanding and overfunctioning for others was actually enabling them to perpetuate their negative behavior. I would say that the virtue of a healthy ixfj is actually to dare to call out the BS of individuals or organizations, instead of going to far to be liked and keep the group harmony. And yes that involves connecting to our Fi. PLUS a well developed Ti which can differentiate truth from distorted group think 🙂

  • Danielle
    Reply

    As an ENFP, I interestingly think I might have subconsciously used Fe for quite awhile to unlock Fi. For context, I spent my formative years basically surrounded by people on the Fe/Ti axis. Thinking of the four friends I arguably spent the most time with growing up, their types are most likely ISFJ, INFJ, ISFJ, and ESFJ (I’m all but certain of 3 of the 4 who I’m still in regular contact with. I drifted away from one of the ISFJs when we were in middle school, but my memories strongly give me the impression of a young ISFJ).

    On top of that my mom is an ESFJ. And, even though they’re not FJs, my dad and an aunt who I absolutely adored are an ISTP and an ESTP respectively. My favorite grandparent is also most likely an ESTP. So, I was much more familiar with Fe than Fi from a young age. I actually thought I was an INFJ at first, partly due to having absorbed many of the Fe values and actions of those that surrounded me.

    So, while I have the typical 6th function aversion to Fe at times, I feel like it’s lessened quite a bit. There’s moments where I just have to go seek the company of my FP friends. I have also seen plenty of Fe and Fi conflicts in my life. I’m fairly certain that a significant percentage of my ESFJ mom’s problem with her mom (likely an ISFP or an ESFP) boil down to an unconscious Fe vs. Fi tension that partially prevented them from ever establishing a meaningful connection.

    Being in Fe is definitely unnatural for me, but I think as a result of spending so much time surrounded by FJs (and to an extent TPs) that my personal expression of Fi has adopted some Fe adjacent principles in a weird sense.

    And those Fe-related principles definitely help stop me from Te steamrolling everyone around me. Though I find my personal flavor of steamrolling is “make people change direction at all costs.” This can involve subtly directing the topic to another (which I have a knack for due to Ne, and isn’t a completely destructive tendency). Or, at my worst, it means completely violating whatever social code is in place either by outright insults or insinuating something about a person that goes against their core identity. One memorable example of this is when, at a gathering of family friends, I insinuated that religious individuals must not be Christians anymore if they don’t support trans rights. That earned me a very stern lecture for my mom later. And I knew I was out of line, but the Te perspective was “Well it worked, they stopped talking about how they support trans bathroom bills.” My Fi, and by extension, my Fe, would have never done that. Even though my personal theology is very progressive, my internal authentic compass would’ve held me back.

    I think of it as atmospheric manipulation. Even if I don’t get into a situation my Fi likes, my Te is satisfied because at least I stopped whatever crap was on the table. Though, I usually feel extremely bad about it later. Especially when no one calls me out on it.

    Ah, the infamous ENFP “Te bitch slap,” it feels good in the moment but absolutely terrible later.

  • Inn
    Reply

    Thank you Joel & Antonia
    I just read through your book “personality Hacker”, I skipped 12 personality types. I have read and listen to a lot of your podcasts here, and I found this idea of using the 6th function to be wonderful. I found out that I have been using it to jump-start myself in a lot of circumstances without knowing about the theory.
    A great example is when my proposal got rejected for obvious misunderstanding of the reviewer. The comments were so rude that I got trapped in my own loop, until I had the idea to consult one of my friend for feedback. This friend is a sharp and great mind, he always separates facts from emotions and lay out everything black and white, no gray area. I decided to send him and email; knowing my friend and given my own ISTJ tendency of making sure there is no ambiguity or possibility of misinterpretation of my idea, I set out to convince my friend of the wrong behavior of the reviewer.
    I wrote the equivalent of 3 letter-page email and review it many time to the point I decided to not send the email. I found that I won’t be able to fully convince my friend, because my only goal was for my friend to tell me: “you are right, the reviewer behavior was wrong.” So I gave up on the email, found motivations behind the reviewer comments and the possible adjustments I could make to my proposal and it got accepted the next time.

    I want to know how I can use this idea to jump-start my significant other that I will call MySo.
    MySo is ENFP (that is my best guess), and I suspect that MySo is trapped in the Driver 3-years-old loop. MySo is not opened to learn this concept of 16 personality types and the 8 functions. We are into 1 year of counseling (we have change the counselor already) and it is not improving. We went into the counseling because MySo was convinced that there was something wrong with me that must be fixed. Out of respect, I accepted hoping that we will find solutions to the ongoing problem. MySo ran out of accusations and started making inconsistent claims that counselor is able to point out without asking me to comment. When It became clear that MySo’s behavior needs to be adjusted, it started another type of problems. I have to admit that I am not saint in the matter, I have lost patience with time and can be very reactive at time.

    Coming to the loop, MySo has gotten into the manipulative behavior where MySo will use select facts to demonstrate how wrong I am, or to justify why we must absolutely do something that we can not afford. MySo will set unhealthy goals and when the goal is reached and consequences surface, MySo will take at me.

    Listening to the podcast, I did not figure out how I can jump-start MySo. Is it possible? What type of conversation can I start that will lead to that jump-start?

  • Shiru
    Reply

    This has been a very insightful series, thank you. I am an IxFJ and this particular podcast has given me a lot to think about.

    I struggle with shows of hypercritical behaviour, which I hate. I never feel good about myself when I’m like this.

    I’ve been doing a bit of reading on psychological projections and one of the exercises I’ve worked on is the following from Receiving Woman – Studies in the Psychology and Theology of the Feminine:

    “A good test is to list in simple fashion what we see in the other that gets such a rise out of us. “I hate in so-and-so these things” – then we list the characteristics, ostensibly in the other, that we find so offensive. ”

    “Where there are faults, they belong to us in some way, not necessarily in exactly the same way we spy them in our neighbor, but in some version in us that demands conscious attention and effort to claim them. ”

    I’ve found this exercise to be extremely helpful in withdrawing projections but uncomfortable nonetheless. As Christian gave an exercise for IxFJs to do, it occurred to me that the exercise outlined in Receiving Woman works, in a sense, in the service of Fi. The discomfort that I have felt is that resistance you guys talked about. Using Ti (when it’s Ti abuse) doesn’t feel like an indictment on who I am as a person, it’s just me giving feedback. But tapping into what is really going on for me just brings to the surface emotions and motivations that are unacceptable to me because they’re not in line with what Harmony is supposed to look like.

    Is Fi imperative for authentic Fe long term? It seems that’s the case to me.

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