Podcast – Episode 0393 – Making Peace With Your Parents (Part 4)

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In this episode, Joel and Antonia record a fourth installment of a podcast series started several years ago – talking about how to deal with your relationship with your parents.

 

In this podcast you’ll find:

  • Listen to part 3 in this series to hear the story behind Antonia’s recent trip to visit her father in Oregon.
  • Check out part 1 and part 2 in this series to learn more about Antonia’s story.
  • How was the trip for Antonia – and how is her father doing?
  • Antonia analyzes her emotional state during and after the trip through the lens of her cognitive functions.
  • What has Antonia been doing to help process the experience and the emotions that have been coming up for her?
  • Thoughts on developing maturity around feeling the need to manage people’s perceptions or misconceptions about you.
    • Joel talks about his experience with letting go of this.
  • How we are all “smuggling” things relating to the challenges in our lives.
  • Image management – looking at Quentin Tarantino as an example of someone who doesn’t fall into this behavior.
  • What does it mean to reclaim the sovereignty you lack due to your upbringing?
    • The importance of self care when doing this work.
  • Projecting your ideologies onto the outside world – what’s the consequence of falling into this trap?
  • What does it mean to truly own your behavior in a situation like Antonia’s?

 

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Showing 5 comments
  • john
    Reply

    Good points! And Joel landed that meta meta point at the end nicely!

    I’m an ex mormon (ENTP) who just spent a great week with his half mormon family and (infj) JW girlfriend. We all get to make decisions about how we relate to one another separate from the paradigms and what they tell us. I didn’t always understand that and certainly it’s different in different traditions. There are people in my GF’s life who don’t know about me, 3 years into the relationship.

    I have a close relationship with my family and my girlfriend who, as devout believers, all attended their various different religious meetings during this vacation without me.

    It’s true that things are probably harder for them then for me; I learned recently that my parents had a much harder time with my exit from the religion than I knew they had (because they decided to keep from me how upset they were). It’s been 15 years now and I was the first of, what, now 6 kids? of 8, who have left. We all get along well but I think my parents are uniquely psychologically respectful of other beliefs (unique for conservative devout believers).

    I know different traditions are a little more and less rigid about these things; I also know it helps that my girlfriend’s religious parent is dead and other parent is estranged from her…

    When people leave their religions–particularly the heavier paradigms like these ones–I always give them a couple years to be angry. But eventually we have to stop projecting our frustrations and start working on ourselves.

  • Seluxes
    Reply

    This may indeed be a niche topic for the podcast but it’s one of your absolute best—so much raw vulnerability modeled well for those of us who have zero idea how to do so. Joel’s a-ha about externalizing the issues that we need to deal with first on a personal-level was brilliant and really spoke to me. Thank you for all that you do for the personal growth community.

  • Laura
    Reply

    Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with us during this difficult time. I appreciate the content of these podcasts as some of it has been relatable.
    I’ve just recently lost my Father and I’m still trying to processing everything. We had an estranged relationship that left many things unsaid. The hardest part is letting go of the “what could have been” after reflecting upon what had led us to that point.
    Failure of communication, not just between us but our ENTIRE family. The generation of “children should be seen and not heard” style of parenting taught children not to question “why”.
    My very nature is to question the “why”, only to be ignored by the adults that were suppose to nurture you, eventually this led to frustration and resentment.
    I’ve come to terms with the fact that I live my life with unrealistic expectations which only sets myself up for disappointment in the end. I have a very complicated relationship with my family.
    I’ve been in no contact with my Mother for years only because I stopped reaching out to her. Relationships are a two way street, was tired of it being one way. You can not force someone to care, her actions speak for themselves.
    Forgiveness has been the catalyst for healing. You can’t change others, acceptance of who they are and realizing that you only have control over your own reactions can bring peace to oneself.
    As a parent, I’m thankful my intuition helped me in raising my children. Otherwise, my own “childhood conditioning” could have continued to repeat this cycle. We bring Children into this world to live their own path. We are here to love, encourage and support them, we don’t own them and they don’t owe us for their existence.

  • Vandy
    Reply

    Antonia, thank you so much for sharing this. I appreciate that you understand and bring to light the many issues in this. The world your parents grew up in and the one you did are very different and colors the choices made. When I was younger I couldn’t grasp that my elders had such a different view of life than I did. As I approach my senior years, I see how much the world has changed in my life time. I too have had to break from my family because of basic values. I was raised in a religious group that is in reality a cult. I can’t say that even all these years later that it doesn’t effect me. I am still trying to be true to who I truly am and not fall into trying to be the person that I was told I had to be. I am glad that I was able to have honest adult conversations with both of my parents before they passed. I am proud of the fact that while my parents were not there for me growing up, I was instrumental in their care in their final months. Watching them reconcile their lives during that time was also a major learning time in my life. My children are now in their 30s. My biggest regret is my former step daughter and the severed relationship there. Her knowledge of me is not the person that I am but the person that I was when still active in my former religion. To her I have to be the bad guy so that her biological parents are not. I have learned to live with that as a gift I give her. Can’t say it doesn’t hurt. That she doesn’t know me better than that. Honestly and integrity are extremely important to me. Of my two natural children I have gotten to the adult relationship stage with my daughter. It was being there for each other through traumatic experiences that has won that battle. My son still has a need to protect me and there for a shallow relationship that is heavily colored by misconception. My hope is that we can get past that sooner rather than later.
    Again that you for sharing, in doing so I am sure you have helped many know they are not alone.

  • Deana
    Reply

    Antonia, thank you for sharing this journey with us and for being so open about the difficulties you are experiencing along the way. I appreciate the way you said to “rest into” who you are, be a “fully sovereign being”, though, I must admit that this is hard for me. I think I am not even aware that I “outsource my thoughts”. I find it difficult to let them have their own narrative of me and want to correct it -at least for the other family members’ opinions of me. It was so interesting to hear that it is somehow “the impression they need to have” due to their own insecurities. I’ll keep chewing on that one. I think you are super awesome to come through this and help us learn the processing steps with you.

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