Podcast – Episode 0010 – Feedback That Makes You Squirm

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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about how to use the feedback from others and from within to target unhealthy behaviors and beliefs, even if that feedback makes you squirm.

In this podcast you’ll find:

  • Feedback is the willingness to accept information that the world gives us in order to respond and get the best results possible.
  • Our resistance to receiving feedback we don’t like is often our ego being triggered.
  • We see ourselves as better than we really are, and that’s a good thing. Confidence makes up for a multitude of sins.
  • We rely on confidence so much that when the world gives us feedback to shake it, our ego can become distressed that we no longer have confidence to fall back upon.
  • When we ignore feedback, we don’t give ourselves an opportunity to improve.
  • When people are convinced they’re right, they especially ignore feedback.
  • Listening to feedback doesn’t mean that you only listen to sources you deem credible or that you agree with.
  • Giving feedback too much credence can also be dangerous. Individuals can be reflecting their subjective perspective, not necessarily ‘reality’.
  • Feedback comes from both the ‘inner world’ and the ‘outer world’.  We need a healthy balance of both.
  • Introverts have a tendency to tune out feedback that doesn’t resonant with their inner world. This is great for dealing with nay-sayers, but not for changing course when needed.
  • Extraverts, on the other hand, are more sensitive to outer world feedback but not to their internal feedback.
  • “The best feedback is something that threatens a dearly held belief.”
  • When our beliefs are challenged, we start to act like addicts for the belief(s).
  • All growth happens in discomfort, so we have to be willing to accept uncomfortable feedback.
  • Cognitive dissonance is when we experience stress because we are holding two opposing beliefs. We can avoid feedback because we don’t want to experience cognitive dissonance, but we need to be okay with feedback that may threaten a precious belief and remember “the way out is through.” There’s a part of you listening, anyway.
  • Feedback will always challenge what you think, feel and where you stand.

Exercises we recommend in this podcast:

Make a list of between one and three pieces of feedback that make you feel the most uncomfortable (angry, frustrated, ashamed, sad, or makes you squirm). It will feel horrible, but your biggest growth is tied to that feedback. Even if you end up not agreeing with the feedback, exploring it is high leverage for self-understanding.

Things we reference in this podcast:

Podcast 08 – Smuggling Emotions

Blog post – What’s the REAL Difference between Introverts and Extraverts?

In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about how to use the feedback from others and from within to target unhealthy behaviors and beliefs, even if that feedback makes you squirm.

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  • Matt

    I’m stymied in my personal growth and get stuck in a shame loop because I’m not at Maslow’s 5th level all the time (because it’s a moment-by-moment check-in system, not a developmental model like Spiral Dynamics). I would say that this episode of your podcast is the hardest type of feedback for me to receive, actually. The ENTIRE time I’ve been listening to this I’ve been trying to tune you out while I’m working on writing a pattern I’m designing because I’m super uncomfortable right now. I have books like Emotional Intelligence, The Wisdom of the Enneagram, and a few others which are my go-to “bibles” on how to keep moving forward. But for several years it wasn’t enough (until a few months ago when I started getting back into delving deep) and I felt stagnated. I LIKE my “rut” that I’ve dug for myself. I know what will happen if I do certain things and can stay in my safe zone. I do NOT like being stagnated, though. I want to grow and be better. Then when I try to, I start to think about the circular rut I’ve dug and how it can often feel pathetic (based on ego and attracting a mate, especially) but the feedback from my “hero circle” (drama dynamic) makes me feel like a victim or villain again. Then I get stuck on the shame and fear tracks which feed each other.

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