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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about transitioning into your own person while changing your relationship with your parents as an adult.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Graves Model Podcast
- Graves Level 3 – Red: Warlord
- Usually, people enter this transition in teen years.
- Some people have a truncated experience with Graves 3, so they may still have an attachment to parents that isn’t healthy.
- On the other extreme, a person can experience Graves 3 so strongly that they have permanently severed their relationship with their parents.
- At some point, we make the transition where we no longer have to be a dependent.
- Girls – Lena Dunham
- Rebellion starts to wane as we reach adulthood and our relationship with our parents will often shift again to a healthier place.
- Parents may not want the relationship to change.
- A person’s dependency on parent’s worldview may not always be financial; it may be ideological.
- DNA level programming tells us to rely on our parents for safety and instruction, which is why a parent’s betrayal is so painful.
- We pass on our DNA to our children, but we also pass on our ego. Our expression of who we are.
- The ego itself wants to live. People put their names on buildings, gravestones, children.
- We download all of our BS into the pristine little hard drives of our children.
- We are programmed to seek our parents, and our parents are programmed to download their egos into us.
- Cords can tie us to our parents, and our attempt to separate can cause some resistance.
- Add in ideologies where your parents taught you a specific belief system, and it becomes a more significant burden to the next generation.
- Stephen Covey’s Dependency Model:
- Dependence – complete reliance
- Independence – Zero reliance
- Inter-dependence – contextual reliance
- As children, we are extremely dependent upon our parents.
- As we grow older, we become more independent.
- As we mature, we begin to value the relationship we have with our parents, as peers.
- Cord Cutting podcast
- The more idyllic a childhood, the more likely someone will crave the safety that came with their Graves 2 experience.
- Such an adult can find it hard to generate safety from within, so when a parent dies the adult child feels unsafe.
- A non-idyllic childhood could look like a child’s neverending need for approval. Followed by resentment after realizing their childhood was colored by their parent’s choices.
- When you have an unhealthy relationship with your parents, your connection to them can be profound.
- Find the peace within yourself.
- It’s incredible how much our parents can still influence and trigger us no matter how old we get.
- This may come down to how we make peace with immortality.
- We know they are trying to infuse their ego on us.
- Make peace with your parent’s death.
- Let go of the responsibility that you have to keep their memory and attachments alive.
- Are you keeping traditions alive because of a sense of responsibility to your parents?
- It’s okay that an ego dies. Express your ego in your way. Live your life.
- Make a list with your parent’s names at the top.
- List their core values.
- Write down your core values.
- Compare and contrast the two lists.
- You don’t have any responsibility to your parent’s frame of reference – especially if they weren’t very good parents.
- Most people try to improve upon the way they were raised.
- You aren’t stuck in your point of origin. It doesn’t define your future.
- All the stuff you were looking for from your parents is actually within you.
- Real parenting is preparation. Teaching the child to be an autonomous human being.
- Take your power back.
- The true definition of peace with your parents is forgiving them then realizing there is nothing to forgive. They did their best.
- Find the power within you to get the needs met that were missing during childhood.
- You will know you have healed when there is no more resentment or blame.
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