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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about the power of self validation and how it can help us find more happiness and peace in our lives.

In this podcast you’ll find:

  • What is self validation?
    • What self validation actually means to us, especially in today’s world.
    • What does your identity have to do with it?
    • One of the worst things you can do when self validating.
    • Is there an art to giving validation to ourselves?
    • The medicinal effects of self validation.
  • When we seek external validation.
    • What is really going on with our emotions (Dr. Richard Bandler).
    • Experiencing Tony Robbins’ disempowering rules from Awaken the Giant Within.
    • Why we’re hooked into the seductive validation of social media.
    • What are the effects of invalidation?
  • Joel and Antonia deconstruct a recent heated argument.
    • When our intent is not understood.
    • What is going on when we are so emotionally charged.
  • How do we find the strength to self validate during arguments?
    • Should we require others to see our side?
    • The different forms of aggression we exhibit.
    • Why we often feel like people are withholding something from us.
    • What do people owe to your thoughts and feelings?
    • What we are actually seeking in our social media interactions.
  • How our self validation abilities have developed…or not.
    • Dr. Timothy Leary’s Eight-circuit model of consciousness.
    • When social media messes with one of those circuits.
    • Why we often rely on outside approval.
    • What modern complexity is doing to our state of mind.
  • What it is that you are actually honoring within yourself.
    • The big thing you can stop relying on.
    • Does being validating mean being in agreement?
    • Why” steel-manning” creates reciprocal validation.
  • What you can do to build your self validation muscles.

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  • Lynn
    • Lynn
    • April 20, 2021 at 10:35 pm

    My world has transformed since I started recognizing triggers around not getting validation (attention, respect, priority, or pretty much anything else I think I need in the moment), and asking the question, “how can I give myself what I need right now?” It takes the pressure off the other person, keeps me in a non-reactive state which feels much better, and allows me to think about whether I need to address the triggering situation in a calm and rational way at another time, or whether it was a blip that’s best left alone entirely. As an INTP I find this to be a great way of giving myself the time I need to process the trigger instead of fuelling an emotional mess. I can’t think clearly in those moments anyway. I believe that these types of triggers are ultimately the best guide we have to what inside ourselves still needs development.
    Great topic, well covered, thanks.

  • Josette
    • Josette
    • April 19, 2021 at 6:06 pm

    As a dominant Fi user, if I get the feeling that I’m not being validated it’s an indication that I need to choose my battles. In my opinion it’s mostly not worth the effort to interact at that point. Because validation is not agreement. Validation indicates the person is listening to me and trying to understand me. When I don’t have that, I realize I’m involved in a zero sum game. Maybe some people want to play that game, like when they are debating and they see a benefit of their words reaching people outside the argument (i.e, a political debate) but personally I’m not in that realm often.

    What someone is feeling doesn’t have to make sense in order to validate it. It just means you are willing to listen to them and ask questions if you understand them. Even when I feel the argument will not be solved in the moment, most people will not take the time to consider you if you did not take the time to consider their perspective. I’ve noticed they are more likely to introspect and try to understand my perspective in the space after an argument if I considered (and therefore validated) them.

    If someone validates someone because they like the way they look, or the person is famous, or the person is their superior … most people can smell fake a mile away. And those that can’t will eventually realize it because validation like that is like holding sand within your open palm.

    I think self validation is important but I’ve found choosing my battles and engaging with people who I can affect, and they can affect me, leads to growth – not just growth of an idea but more importantly growth with our relationship, trust and connection with one another.

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