After Joel and I released a podcast on the INFJ personality, we received an overwhelming response from INTJs for more information on understanding their type. (Perspectives/Effectiveness in the Genius System).
That makes sense – these two types (the INFJ and the INTJ) are almost certainly the most misunderstood by both others and by themselves.
I’d argue that INFJs are a little easier to understand. That might be because my mother is an INFJ and I grew up around her, but there’s something about the acute pain an INFJ experiences that is an entrance into understanding them. As if the pain, itself, was a foot in the door of entering in and seeing the whole picture.
To find an entrance into an INTJ is much, much more difficult. Everything they exhibit is more subtle and muted, and the rabbit’s hole goes very deep.
As an ENTP, INTJs are my “Power Pair,” and there’s no doubt that I’ve found myself surrounded by them my entire life. I’ve lived with them, worked with them, fought with them, coached them, made love to and been rendered jelly while kissing them… you get the picture.
For all of my experience with INTJs, there are a couple of crucial components without which I don’t think you can really understand this type:
1) An INTJ is almost invariably smarter than the vast majority of people in analytical, existential, and linguistic intelligence.
There are other types that outperform INTJs in IQ tests (for example, INTPs), but I would venture to say that in all the ways society chooses to acknowledge ‘intelligence’, INTJs as a group outclass just about everyone else.
(Sure, other personality types outclass them in intra- and introspective intelligences, and of course kinesthetic/body awareness intelligence. But most cultures diminish the importance of these styles.
To truly understand an INTJ it’s important to realize that they are almost always ‘the smartest person in the room’ in the ways that we all have been socially programmed to recognize “smart.” This is a double-edged sword.
2) INTJs are built like arthropods, and have an exoskeleton.
And it’s not purely a defensive strategy. Unlike the INFJ type that uses a ‘hard candy shell’ as protection against the world, an INTJ’s exoskeleton is a necessary part of their makeup. But like all things we come out of the hatch with, it can be used defensively. I’ll explain in a moment.
3) INTJs are a LOT more sensitive than you realize.
What’s the point of an exoskeleton? To protect the squishy, nougat-like center, of course.
If you don’t see past the hard exterior and acknowledge just how vulnerable the inner world is, you cannot understand this type.
Before we talk about all that, let’s look at The Car Model for the INTJ personality type:
The INTJ Driver is Perspectives (introverted intuition)
Perspectives is the process that helps INTJ’s watch their own minds form patterns, get inside the minds of others and allows them to see implications far into the future.
The INTJ CoPilot is Effectiveness (extraverted thinking).
Effectiveness makes decisions based on practical application, answering the question “What works?” Effectiveness creates metrics to determine milestones, and closing loops.
The INTJ 10-Year-Old is Authenticity (introverted feeling)
Authenticity, when done well, is all about “What feels RIGHT.”
It’s how we get in touch with how things are impacting us on a subjectively emotional level, and it’s where we create conviction.
The INTJ 3-Year-Old is Sensation (extraverted sensing)
Sensation, when done well, is how we stay present in the moment, and process the extraordinary amount of sensory detail that is coming at us at all times.
It’s also where we get in touch with what gives us an adrenaline rush and how we improvise with our bodies.
(If you’re a Myers-Briggs geek, the primary cognitive function for this type is Introverted Intuition, the secondary is Extraverted Thinking, the tertiary is Introverted Feeling and the inferior is Extraverted Sensing.)
If you look at most profiles about the INTJ personality type, they’ll focus on the Mastermind quality of the INTJ. Long range strategy, designing truly complex systems that can be replicated, finding the weaknesses in infrastructure… INTJs are the walking think tanks that streamline the world.
But there’s only so much think tanking the world wants done, and the overwhelming majority of INTJs are just looking for a job that doesn’t make them want to stab their eyes out.
This is important to recognize – most INTJs are only somewhat satisfied in their career choice.
You’ll see INTJs peppered throughout universities as professors, in I.T. and programming departments as developers, engineers, etc.
Regardless, most INTJs are not utilizing the full wattage of their problem-solving, think tanking abilities. So there’s always this feeling, however deep and unconscious, that their talents – or even they, themselves – are being ‘wasted’.
Because of their introverted nature, INTJs have a strong need to be acknowledged and given credit, but without the indignity of having to do cartwheels.
Remember when I said they outclass almost everyone in three very socially recognized forms of intelligence?
It can be a source of frustration that not everyone automatically sees the full extent of this, though they are often considered by people who know them to be ‘very smart’. This gives birth to a couple of other things that just become “INTJ Problems.”
First, as a society we tend to glamorize raw computing power, but we don’t have a lot of love for people who come up with solutions that mean we have to change stuff.
So, we tend to marginalize problem-solvers… unless those problem-solvers are putting dollar bills into our pockets.
Most true solutions mean going through a painful transitional cycle, and the more far reaching the problem the longer the transition.
Our culture favors efficiency over effectiveness, which will drive an INTJ crazier than anything.
Creating sustainable models are the crack cocaine of INTJs, and living in a world that’s so short-sighted can make them jaded and cynical.
Second, there’s a major tendency to ‘double down’ on being so much smarter than everyone else, and therefore being dismissive.
No one – and I mean NO ONE – puts as much thought into things like an INTJ does, according to the INTJ.
And to some extent that’s true – it’s a rare bird that thinks as long and hard about anything as they do.
But this dismissive attitude, combined with a perpetual feeling of being marginalized, creates the perfect context to generate pride as an emergent.
Once an INTJ gets stuck in the ‘no one else sees what I see, thinks as long and hard as I think, understand like I understand’ loop, the inclination to stay in the realm of ideas and conceptualizing becomes almost too attractive.
I mentioned before that an INTJ is like an arthropod, with an exoskeleton and a very squishy center.
Like INFJs, INTJs use the Perspectives process to be able to see things as others see them and get in the heads of other people.
But unlike INFJs, they don’t couple this with a CoPilot that checks in with others emotional experience.
INTJs couple their Driver of Perspectives with a more analytical process – Effectiveness – which gives them some psychological and emotional distance from others.
This is the INTJ exoskeleton – a hard, outer shell that gives them room to think about long-range implications.
They create their own ‘space’ – or, intellectual work room – that allows for truly exceptional thinking.
However, their 10-Year-Old process is Authenticity, encouraging the INTJ to be sympathetic of the subjective human experience.
Whenever they engage in this mental process there’s a part of them that knows they’re a sitting duck… because in some ways they are.
Perspectives allows INTJs to see how others see, Authenticity encourages them to mirror back how others feel.
Because an INTJ is able to occupy both the headspace and the heartspace of another person, they become at that person’s mercy.
The exoskeleton that Effectiveness provides creates necessary and healthy boundaries to ensure they don’t get ‘squished’ by others.
(When they don’t have permission to use and exercise Effectiveness – some have reported that many attempts to become leaders or to get projects accomplished were frustrated by either parents, the school system, or other influencers and so they just ‘stopped trying’ – they use Authenticity as a defense the only way they know how: they call upon the emotion of pride to get them through as a barrier between themselves and the object that can hurt them.)
Before you’re allowed entrance in an INTJ's life, you must be vetted for trustworthiness.
Like INFJs, there is a sense of others being able to do real damage, and ensuring they aren’t inviting in a ‘bull into the china shop’.
Once you’re in, though, you’re IN. I’ve held grown INTJ men as they wept for a lost love because I was ‘in’. I had been invited into the inner sanctum of that squishy space, and I was allowed to experience first-hand their amazing sensitivity.
Without the exoskeleton, there would be no way for an INTJ to protect against the world's invasive chaos and "noise."
As I mentioned before, unlike an INFJ who can use a ‘hard candy shell’ defensively and must learn to be a conduit for others emotional experience, an INTJ’s exoskeleton isn’t naturally meant for retreat.
But if misused it can become a defensive strategy, particularly against suggestions to get into action. To illustrate how an actual exoskeleton works:
Since exoskeletons are rigid, they present some limits to growth.
Organisms with open shells can grow by adding new material to the aperture of their shell, as is the case in snails, bivalves and other molluscans.
A true exoskeleton, like that found in arthropods must be shed (moulted) when it is outgrown.
A new exoskeleton is produced beneath the old one. As the old one is shed, the new skeleton is soft and pliable.
The animal will pump itself up to expand the new shell to maximal size, then let it harden. When the shell has set, the empty space inside the new skeleton can be filled up as the animal eats.
Failure to shed the exoskeleton once outgrown can result in the animal being suffocated within its own shell, and will stop subadults from reaching maturity, thus preventing them from reproducing.
-Wikipedia, “Exoskeleton”
I’m about to go massively abstract, so please bear with me.
A big part of the perpetual learning most INTJs do is to build on that exoskeleton – or, in other words, be more and more prepared for a world that isn’t very kind to creatures who lack awareness.
In order to experience real growth, an INTJ needs to feel certain that they won’t be “left to the elements” during the process.
Meaning, if they think they’ll be massively exposed they’re simply not going to venture out into a world that could crush them like a grape.
But if they burrow in and never allow themselves to experience life, they risk “suffocating within their own shell,” so to speak.
Growth, itself, can be slow because there’s always a question of how much, how quickly?
Much of the growth an INTJ does is internal – remember, the new exoskeleton is being built underneath the existing skeleton.
That means a lot of growth is happening where you can’t see it, and so outside forces will give the INTJ feedback that they aren’t making fast enough progress simply because it’s all under the surface.
That said, it can be truly difficult for the INTJ to be willing to shed the old exoskeleton in favor of the new one, which is by definition softer and more vulnerable.
If they do have the guts, though, this is generally a time period of extraordinary growth for the INTJ.
For example, all of a sudden a once shy INTJ can become outgoing with an insane social schedule.
There is a time period of ‘experience gluttony’ as they grow into their new shell, and once the growth happens, often they settle down and appear to level out.
These moments of growth are incredibly important, and if they don’t give themselves permission they will ‘suffocate’ under the weight of their old shell.
In the most healthy versions of INTJs, the growth phase will also encourage massive implementation, building something that can be measured.
They position themselves in consulting or team-leading roles where others can bring their ideas to the ‘outside world’ and they can vet the ideas outside of mere concepts.
The less healthy the INTJ, though, the more they stay in the world of conceptualizing, think-tanking, idea-generating, etc. There is no end to learning, and they will always be in need of more of it.
The extraordinary amount of content and material consumed by an INTJ can be staggering to think about.
While impressive, if the INTJ never graduates to implementation (either by themselves or through a team) they sink further and further into a world that can’t be visited by others.
They disqualify themselves from intimate connections, relationships and from being able to have the impact on the world they crave.
The key to growth for INTJs can be found in the CoPilot process of Effectiveness.
Many INTJs find themselves unsure of what exactly they want to bring to the world, and feel they have to have a complete picture of what it looks like before they can move forward.
I’ve heard INTJs say things to the effect that they can’t go socializing until they ‘get their life together’, but still not have a clear idea of what that would look like.
Unfortunately, that lack of clarity is in and of itself a defensive strategy. The less well defined the goal, the more murky the definitions, the further away from action they allow themselves to be.
When an INTJ truly steps into their genius, they have clearly defined mile markers.
Effectiveness is all about creating a linear strategy to get to a goal, and creating metrics to determine what ‘done’ looks like.
The most empowering action an INTJ can take is:
1) Being aware of their own personal stall tactics
2) Clearly outlining metricized markers on the way to a goal
There’s a host of quotes about what can’t be measured can’t be managed, or improved upon.
While that may or may not be empirically true, it is true for the INTJ, and is the key to INTJ fulfillment and happiness.
When an INTJ gets into action and begins reaching mile markers, their concepts are no longer abstractions.
They can be vetted, improved upon, test/iterated. But most importantly, the INTJ is making an impact on their environment, which may be one of the most satisfying things they experience.
If you’re in a relationship with an INTJ personality, one of the best ways to build intimacy is both intellectual and emotional honesty with yourself.
If an INTJ suspects that you can be exploitative – that you can mess with someone’s emotions or be intentionally cruel – they will shut you out as quickly as possible.
Being vulnerable is precious to an INTJ and they appreciate it when you express it.
Staying present, working through an issue, and being unwilling to be cruel with an INTJ is the surest way to their heart.
-Antonia
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317 comments
“Getting active is the first step in reversing course on that.”
No. It doesn’t get reversed. As you age, your body changes. Nothing will reverse it. Nothing will make a 40 year old man’s body go back to being 20. Nor a woman’s for that matter. Not even all the drugs I mentioned, although they can get pretty close it seems. Again, you were sold the lie, and you regurgitate it. How many fad diet books and ab blaster products do you own may I ask ? How many obese people change their bodies ? Do you have any real data on this, or are you just espousing hopeful wishful nonsense ? You don’t like being called out on your stupidity so you question wether I am an INTJ or not. Accuse me of projection, and display your ignorance. Go live life, go work out, meet some obese people and see that they never, ever change. Live to the age of 40, then come back and tell me how working out will change your mushy sagging skin and drooping breasts back to being young.
Then come back and tell me how right I was.
It sounds to me like you want an apology for my post on reddit.
Well, no. Not at all. I was addressing both posts, which were slightly different, and I wanted to share that I knew of the existence of both. As an ENTP I tend to do what my INTJ friends call ‘over share’ information, or what I simply call ‘share’. I’m not sure where you picked up a request for an apology, there’s no need for one.
I won’t do that. It pains me that no one recognizes it for what it is, a salute to Cartman. The Politically Correct religion is something I wish to fight against. It bothers me. It makes me angry.
I’ve noticed that anger is a really safe emotion for Thinkers. When we’re in the grip of complicated emotions, we settle on anger (or pride) because it doesn’t make us feel as vulnerable as some of the other ones. But the things you’ve expressed anger about are disproportionate to the context. You may be smuggling unrelated emotions in with the things that make you feel angry.
I don’t know that to be true, but it might be a valid question.
Don’t let your imagination get away from you and think I am some about to go on a shooting spree nutjob’ either.
Actually, I was showing concern for your person, not a fear for other people.
I have heard the “join a gym” thing before from multiple therapists and friends. You unfortunately suffer from the same delusion that everyone in America does, (are you American?) if you go to the gym enough you can look like The Rock, or Ronnie from Jersey Shore. But they look like that by taking massive amounts of drugs, like Winstrol, Deca, EQ, HGH, Test, and whatever else. You were sold the lie of how you can change your body at the gym. It is complete nonsense and shame on you for buying it, and then regurgitating it. Also, I have worked out religiously for years and all it bought me was bragging rights that I could bench 305 max, and a bad back, and high blood pressure.
Now we’re completely in intellectually dishonest territory. I don’t know if I’ve ever encountered an INTJ response with so much projection based on so little information before. In fact, I’d call this flat out disingenuous, baiting and intentionally misdirecting.
I didn’t link to a picture of Arnold in the 70’s. I said a more 5 dollar version of ‘mood and physical activity are intrinsically linked, so to lift mood get active’. You offered that you’re obese and most likely impotent, tacked on to a long list of things that made you unhappy. Getting active is the first step in reversing course on that.
It isn’t rocket science.
My post probably doesnt address your feelings at all so here is my attempt, because I dont want another person to hate me today. Tomorrow would be ok, just not today. I really appreciate your attempts to help. Again I have had a few women in my life and the stuff you said about melting at an INTJ kiss really really hit home. I wish I could remember better all the incredible things women said to me. I do remember I could feel them melt. I think there is something special to an INTJ or maybe to me in particular that all of the affection and kindness and sweetness that doesn’t come out in my face or my words ALL comes out when I hold and kiss and touch.
Considering you’re in a pretty terrible spot for you, I love that it’s important for you to speak to and be sensitive to my feelings. Regardless of your pain you have no desire to hurt anyone else, which is probably the most important trait a person can have. As a marker of that, you hearken back to times of shared beauty with others. I’m guessing at the core of your cynicism is a core of light, but man is it packed in there.
Your response sounded final to me but I wanted to ask more questions. I can see from your board here you are busy. But I will ask anyway;
Start a business huh ? I am a computer programmer for 20 years and no I can’t make apps and no I am not going to invent some website that does nothing, like facebook and google. And no I do not know how to make a game.
Create goals…like what ? Everything I wanted is long gone.
It kind of doesn’t matter what the goals are, just that they have metrics and you’re accomplishing them. That may sound like a TREMENDOUS waste, to set a goal that “doesn’t matter what” it is. But it’s meant to be a jumping-off point, something to start the pilot light of your ambition, even if it is a small precious thing at first.
There’s nothing dead in or about you, as much as you’re trying to convince yourself (or maybe me). You’ve just buried yourself alive.
A
p.s. Eleven years ago my sister had a massive seizure which stopped her heart and her lungs, and she ended up in a coma. Her husband and my family had to decide to whether or not to pull the plug on her life support systems. She’d stop breathing for over 10 minutes, and her brain swelled so big you can see her eyes being pushed out of the sockets underneath her eyelids. If she ever could live without the assistance of a machine she’d be a vegetable, and so my family made the decision to stop life support. It was a ‘shit happens’ incident with no one to blame. But it gave me a new perspective on the preciousness of life.
I think one of the reasons I’m so passionate about helping people understand how amazing they can be is that I see people pull the plug on their owns lives all the time. They have help – the world can be a harsh place for the sensitive – but still they ultimately take that final step, or series of steps, to just pull the plug.
The only antidote to ‘living lives of quiet desperation’ is to simply ignore anything you think is telling you to take away vibrancy, including yourself. If your own mind is telling you to give up, then it’s just like anyone else who would be telling you that. It’s wrong, and don’t listen to it.
It sounds to me like you want an apology for my post on reddit. I won’t do that. It pains me that no one recognizes it for what it is, a salute to Cartman. The Politically Correct religion is something I wish to fight against. It bothers me. It makes me angry. Don’t let your imagination get away from you and think I am some about to go on a shooting spree nutjob’ either.
I have heard the “join a gym” thing before from multiple therapists and friends. You unfortunately suffer from the same delusion that everyone in America does, (are you American?) if you go to the gym enough you can look like The Rock, or Ronnie from Jersey Shore. But they look like that by taking massive amounts of drugs, like Winstrol, Deca, EQ, HGH, Test, and whatever else. You were sold the lie of how you can change your body at the gym. It is complete nonsense and shame on you for buying it, and then regurgitating it. Also, I have worked out religiously for years and all it bought me was bragging rights that I could bench 305 max, and a bad back, and high blood pressure.
My post probably doesnt address your feelings at all so here is my attempt, because I dont want another person to hate me today. Tomorrow would be ok, just not today. I really appreciate your attempts to help. Again I have had a few women in my life and the stuff you said about melting at an INTJ kiss really really hit home. I wish I could remember better all the incredible things women said to me. I do remember I could feel them melt. I think there is something special to an INTJ or maybe to me in particular that all of the affection and kindness and sweetness that doesn’t come out in my face or my words ALL comes out when I hold and kiss and touch.
Your response sounded final to me but I wanted to ask more questions. I can see from your board here you are busy. But I will ask anyway;
Start a business huh ? I am a computer programmer for 20 years and no I can’t make apps and no I am not going to invent some website that does nothing, like facebook and google. And no I do not know how to make a game.
Create goals…like what ? Everything I wanted is long gone.
*at home.
Can’t do anything right. Sorry. Kidding.
Yeah, it helps! A lot of INFPs do have careers in the arts, if you count working at McDonalds while playing guitar in front of an ‘audience’ as they cry themselves to sleep. I kid I kid. Kind of.