of can become real but you’re not going to build it on your own. You need to have people who trust you. P.S. Don’t marry Andrea.”

The Future is Bright

Childhood is defined by the desire to fit in – especially in the teen years. By 15, I think many of us reached the conclusion that we were just going to be different no matter what and life had decided to deal us a lousy hand.

Which brings me to another common thread among the surveys:

“It’s not the end of the world! Life gets better. “

6% of INTJs would like their younger selves to realize that it’s not the end of the world. Things get better – way better. This rather poignant statistic indicates a large portion of Intuitive youngsters view the future with dread rather than optimism.

This is what makes the Intuitive Awakening movement even more important. Adolescents shouldn’t see a future filled with isolation and loneliness. They should be made aware of their amazing potential. They should be shown that the world is their oyster and they have the sharpest knife around!

Other common threads found among the INTJ survey were:

  • “Nothing in the universe can stop you, so follow your dreams!”
  • “Invest in Google/Apple/Facebook.”
  • “Learn MBTI and work with your strengths instead of against them.”
  • “Don’t change a thing! I am who I am thanks to the decisions you made. So thanks!”

We would love to hear more about the advice INTJs would give to their teenage selves. Please share them in the comment below.

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Discover Your Personal Genius

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personalityhacker.com_INTJ-survey

INTJs are among the rarest of the Myers-Briggs personality types. They are logical, objective, independent and determined. INTJs are among the highest income earners in the world. And they achieve some of the highest grades in college. They are also statistically one of the least likely to believe in a higher spiritual power.

In a recent survey of INTJs we asked four questions:

  • What are the top 3 challenges you face as an INTJ?
  • What 3 things do you wish others knew about you as an INTJ?
  • What 3 books/movies/courses/events have most impacted your life?
  • What do you wish you could have told your 15 year old self
?

We received over 300 responses to this survey! There were subtle differences in the way INTJs interact with the world that made my job finding a common thread very difficult. I hope I have been successful. Here are the top results:

#1 Stop Letting People Get To You So Much

In the survey, 17% of INTJs would tell their younger selves to stop taking everything people say so seriously. This had the highest percentage of any item, and indicates some deep wounds caused by others in the INTJ’s life. An additional 5% would tell their younger selves to “Lighten up!”

Direct Quotes:

  • “Do not be reactive. Be proactive.”
  • “You’re not going to mess it all up, and it’s okay to fail. Don’t worry about looking dumb when you ask lots of questions, other people are thinking the same things. People don’t hate you, they just don’t know you.”
  • “Stop unconsciously apologizing for your intelligence. It may not be “”popular”” now, but you will come to love it about yourself — and so will others. Embrace the nerd! Stop worrying about what other people think. Most people are so preoccupied with their own BS, they think about you a lot less than you fear. You were made very different from others. This will make certain parts of life more complicated for you; especially your social life. You will, at times, feel very isolated, alone, unwanted, dismissed, and prematurely judged. Keep going!!”
  • “First of all I’d definitely tell myself what introversion is, because that would explain a lot of things & it would save me from a lot of trouble. Secondly, I’d say not to care about what other people think/say and to mind my own business. I’d tell my younger self to find my passions and to fight for what I think is right, and that it is OK to make mistakes and to cry sometimes.”
  • “Your strength is diving into and solving difficult, complex problems and designing a strategic solution. Don’t let others put you off with their shallow understanding of the issues. You are capable of seeing the bigger picture as well as the details. Be confident as an introvert. Relax and use your strengths instead of trying to fit in by being extraverted. It can often be more powerful to say nothing. And it is always more powerful to say the right thing at the right time in as few words as possible.”
  • “Please, oh please, realize that you are completely lovable and acceptable exactly as you are. You do not need the approval of people who you don’t even really want in your life. Learn to sink into who you actually are, and allow others to leave you and be who they are. You’ll find that most of the people who leave were never really wanted by you in the first place. Also, embrace the complete nerdiness that you are! It’s badass and you’re going to love it even more as you grow older.”
  • “Things aren’t nearly as important as you think they are. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your life is really cool, sit back and enjoy the ride. Sometimes things take a really really long time but it’s worth it. You know what you are doing, trust yourself. There are seasons of your life that you will walk into a room and command attention and there are times you will feel invisible; they oscillate, don’t think any season will last forever.”

#2 There’s Nothing Wrong With You

Since I have been reading these survey results, I notice one common thread among all of them:

“You are different. Embrace your differences!”

This is to be expected. After all, we are talking about Intuitives. Intuitives are different from 75% of the world! Most of them will have grown up in families where they were a minority. Or at the very least, forced to survive an educational system that didn’t cater itself to their learning styles. Some have even been drugged by well-meaning parents who didn’t understand what was “wrong” with them. Therefore, it is no surprise that Intuitives feel lonely and isolated. The silver lining here is that most of them learn to appreciate their differences.

15% of INTJs wish they could have told their younger selves that it is okay to be different. However, as is the case with INTJs in general, they do this a little differently than everybody else. INTJs would tell their adolescent selves to – 1) Stop hiding; and 2) Stop dumbing themselves down.

Direct Quotes:

  • “You are not strange and you don’t have to act the way they expect you to.”
  • “It is completely okay to just be you. You don’t have to be afraid of showing your true colours. Just be the way you are and the right people will find you. Those who don’t understand you don’t matter. Everything will be okay, sooner or later. Just hold on and be brave in tough situations. I am proud of you.”
  • “Do not compare yourself with your friends because you are smarter than them. Go your own way. Carve your own path through the jungle of life. You function totally different and THAT IS OKAY. In fact, your talents can only blossom when you accept that being different is a starting point to your life.”
  • “Don’t expect to be just like those around you. Instead, learn to understand, appreciate, and have patience with yourself. Focus on your strengths. Explore your scientific interest. Have confidence that you will excel, but be humble. Ask what you need to ask without being afraid of sounding idiotic – that doesn’t matter. Let the people you care about know how you feel and try to figure out what makes them feel cared for. They may have different needs than you. However, don’t be afraid to part from someone you have let into your inner circle if you are not being cared for reciprocally.”

#3 Don’t Waste Your Potential

The path to growth and happiness for INTJs is Extraverted Thinking, or “Effectiveness.” Effectiveness likes to accomplish goals and make things happen in the outer world. Therefore, it is not surprising that 13% of INTJs wish they could have told their teenage selves to be more effective. This first one is a long one, but I thought it was a perfect example of Effectiveness in the real world.

Direct Quotes:

  • “Life is one huge strategy game, the goal of the game is to win. The different pieces are people and their understanding of the game is different than yours. They are biased by their own perspective and restrictions. You are playing as an INTJ, which also determines how you will move in the game. An INTJ wins the game if he can bring his visions into the world and make the world better. To be able to make the world better, you first have to make your own life better. To make your own life better, you first have to become a better person. To become a better person, you first have to understand yourself as you are now: your place in the game, your moves, your options, and where to go from here. Life is a game of speed chess: you constantly lose some opportunities by not moving fast enough. Never stop reading. Never stop learning. Cultivate your ability to move other pieces on the board around you, by helping people and recognizing that by helping them they owe you. Don’t try to do everything yourself. Even though you are capable of learning anything, it is actually a sub-optimal use of your time. In the long run, it will cause you to fall behind. Learn how to prioritize, do the important things, and outsource unimportant tasks to others. Don’t let social pressure get to you, but don’t upset others either. INTJs operate best in the dark: avoid attention. Temper your need for social expression and blend in. Cloak yourself in an disguise of normalcy. All successful people actually are freaks, who learned how to appear normal. You get way more out of people by looking like them. Let them win petty issues, so you can ask them for strategic points that matter more. Don’t comment on ignorance, run from it. None of this applies however to ENTJ/ENTP friends, so look for them and cherish them. Especially ENTJs, they are so precious. Debate to your own content. Express yourself with no restrictions. Terraform your inner circle to be as high on NTs as possible. These friends will significantly outweigh all others – both short term and long term.”
  • “I wish I could have told myself not to be afraid. I am beautiful, intelligent and kind (to animals at least), and in spite of everything I should have pushed myself to do more because I could have. Now I can’t correct or undo those life choices and mistakes. My life would have been very different if I had just been brave enough to stand up for myself in important matters.”
  • “You are only killing yourself by remaining in your comfort zone.”

#4 Be True To Yourself

“Authenticity,” or Introverted Feeling, is the tertiary function in the INTJs cognitive function stack. It is a very conscious part of their personality. It softens the Effectiveness process by encouraging INTJs to be sympathetic of the subjective human experience. So, where most of us have regrets over blending too much as teens, Authenticity users will feel those regrets most acutely. 10% of all INTJs surveyed said they wish they had been more authentic in their youth.

Direct Quotes:

  • “Focus on school and developing good study and work habits. Be yourself – not who your parents want you to be or who your friends want you to be. Youth is fleeting and you need to find yourself, early and often. You are an individual and you should embrace your quirks, passion, and strengths.”
  • “You are a nice, friendly person and you don’t have to prove it by being a doormat and smiling until your cheeks hurt. You don’t have to make the perfect choice about your future. You can’t waste your talents as long as you are doing something you enjoy. It’s okay to be a book nerd! You should write all your ideas down.”
  • “I would reiterate the words of Thoreau: ‘If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.’”
  • “You are nothing like your parents. You do not need to conform to their perception of reality. You have talents they do not value. Stop negative self-talk. DO something. Whatever interests you, just do something with it. Don’t conform. Be courageous. Those traits are opposites! You have a gift to design and implement systems that nobody else has. You have leadership potential that has been squelched your whole life. Exercise it. Fail. Learn. Build.”
  • “The best person you can be is yourself. Don’t give away your integrity just to fit in with everyone else.”

#5 Find Your Tribe

It is fundamental to the success and growth of Intuitives that they find people who are like them. Yet this is the first group surveyed (thus far) who mentioned the importance of this lesson again and again. Perhaps Effectiveness users can more thoroughly understand the efficiency that comes with a support system.

8% of INTJs surveyed would like their younger selves to choose their friends more wisely.

Direct Quotes:

  • “You don’t deserve what is happening to you. That was not how friends are supposed to treat each other. You are allowed to fight back. Things will improve. Don’t try to be friends with others simply due to geographic proximity. You aren’t a freak. There isn’t anything missing from you. Stop trying to be someone else. Find the right people and accept who you are.”
  • “Love will not come as easy as you think. Find someone you trust and respect early on in life and ask them to be your mentor. Actually, find more than one mentor. Don’t lose sight of what you know deep down to be right and wrong. Don’t lose sight of God.”
  • “Relax. You don’t need to feel so lonely and sad all the time. You will eventually find people to connect with, and won’t have to hide yourself so carefully any more. 15 doesn’t last forever.”
  • “Hang in there. Your ‘friends’ are currently dropping away like flies. You stick out like a sore thumb in that girl’s school. You’ll have a small ‘band of sisters’, and at the end you will realize you have faced war together. Look forward to getting out, and know that when you do, you will be awesome. Keep the glasses. Keep the brains and love of learning. Be wary of those few who have glimpsed your soul, but don’t lose the ability to show it to those who deserve it. You’ll have to be alone for a while and, you know what? You’ll thrive through that independence. It will allow you to be the most ‘you’. And, you haven’t got to the best part yet.”
  • “You have a big ego but you’re still smarter than you think you are. People are not bad like you think they are. Learn to value them for their skills and talents even if you can’t relate to them. Stop pitying yourself and hating them and start shaking hands. This empire you dream

66 comments

  • Crystal
    • Crystal
    • January 20, 2020 at 8:36 pm

    I am now so far removed from who I was as a teen that I have trouble even knowing what she thought or how she felt. I was a very “late bloomer”. I was seen as immature running and playing at recess far past my peers who were content to chat in huddled groups. I liked playing outside and exploring, alone or with a best friend.

    I didn’t realize I loved reading fiction until well into high school, so #1- I’d have told myself to read more and earlier, and don’t watch so much tv, YOU ARE ROTTING MY BRAIN.

    I didn’t understand my capacity for learning until college. #2 advice- apply yourself in high school and avoid romance period until you are in old enough and mature enough to marry, you’ll regret all of it and nothing good will come from it.

    I only really got to know a few people in high school, and even less knew anything about me. What they surmised for themselves was false. I went to a VERY small country school. So small that being attractive, and not poverty level put you in the “cool” group automatically. I was a cheerleader so everyone mistook my introversion for snobbery, which I wasn’t made aware of until much later. I generally liked most people but saw no reason to get to know them. #3 be more aware of others around you and don’t be too shy to be friendly.

  • Amalia
    • Amalia
    • April 30, 2019 at 3:53 pm

    Help me, I just want to cry ?
    I wanted to tell about : “You’re not going to mess it all up, and it’s okay to fail. Don’t worry about looking dumb when you ask lots of questions, other people are thinking the same things. People don’t hate you, they just don’t know you” to my younger self
    It’s really hit me hardly

  • Rita E
    • Rita E
    • March 6, 2019 at 5:58 pm

    I grew up in Hawaii, the only white kid in school. So I stood out before I was even identified as an INTJ. I wish I could go back and embrace my uniqueness. My childhood trauma has impacted me for over 50 years and only now am I recognizing some of my behaviors as a result of the prejudice and rejection.

  • Luke
    • Luke
    • September 11, 2018 at 4:24 am

    If I were to give someone advice as an INTJ when they are young it would be to accept that social situations are awkward and never take them too seriously. Don’t waste time trying to mimic the rest of the crowd, if you can find a person or two to talk to at a big event then do so, otherwise just leave and accept that those events are for the rest of the world – not you. I tried oh so hard to socialise in big groups for so many years and felt awful as a result. I didn’t like being there, I quite obviously didn’t fit in and then felt like a failure. I wasted two years of my formative teen years attempting to pull off the impossible – living and socialising in a university residential college that just chewed up and spat out anyone that wasn’t the A-type alfa male. I left there feeling just ruined. Within 12 months of leaving I had a girlfriend whose intelligence, honesty and loyalty just blew my mind (and blew a few other things as well…), I had a small group of smart non-alfa male and female friends and felt like I was living in a different city. I had physically moved about a kilometre – but was finally clear of the crowd. Make the most of being a bit nerdy – i.e. you fit in with other nerds, some of which get up to some pretty cool stuff. Again, I wasted years drinking booze with people I barely knew who I am sure couldn’t care less if I was there, I avoided hanging out with people who – like me – were on the outer and resented the fact that no matter how hard I tried I seemed to also be on the outer. Don’t worry about the inner circle – it’s just not where you belong and even IF you got in there you wouldn’t like it. You won’t be happy until you realise that the world just isn’t designed to make it easy for the minority – and YOU are the minority. But, the world allows the minorities who don’t follow the crowd to get up to some really cool stuff BECAUSE THEY DON’T FOLLOW THE CROWD. I am not saying go live in a cave with your computer, but for f*cks sake, don’t waste time trying to do something you just weren’t built to do – even if most people seem more able than you to do it no matter how stupid, dishonest and screwed up they are. You WILL end up with the girl/guy of your dreams, because THEY will see things in you they don’t see in others (and you probably can’t see in yourself) and they are GOOD things for GOOD relationships, and you ARE really good at important relationships. No, the flash girl/guy looking for the bling partner will walk past you – but THIS is also a good thing. You won’t succeed chasing one-night stands, because even when you do get laid you will STILL wonder what went wrong. Use the power that you have, don’t attempt to perfect the skills you struggle with, they are like birthmarks, wash them if you like, put some make-up on them etc but they aren’t going anywhere.
    Finally – and perhaps most importantly, remember the 80-20 rule – 80% of the positives from attempting to modify how you behave to fit in will come from 20% of your effort. Less is not more, but more will simply never get you there. Use your “fine tune” and ignore the main dial. As you will soon understand, this is easy to get the hang of because it is a simple case of efficiency, stop wasting effort. A smile here and there, a simple hello, how are you etc won’t bog you down in mindless chit-chat and nor will it turn you into a great socialiser – but it will keep you far enough up the social scale you won’t be confused with the scary weird guy who just stares at everyone.

  • Elizabeth Troxell
    • Elizabeth Troxell
    • August 5, 2018 at 7:34 pm

    I am a 19 year old INTJ female. My whole life I’ve felt “different” than others. Luckily for me, besides from when I was younger than 6 maybe, I never had a problem with that. I think it comes from my being home schooled, and having 2 introverted siblings and 1 extroverted. Both my parents are introverted as well (my poor extroverted younger brother).
    I think because of my being home schooled, I felt different but I naturally assumed everyone was just as different. I got the chance to embrace myself before having this (rather unwelcome) realization.
    In 6th grade I joined public school and I loved it. Except for the students, who I deemed rather foolish, rash, and altogether too concerned with being liked and having a “boyfriend.” I had friends, but never formed the deep connections I craved, I didn’t share my inner thoughts and feelings.
    I became the “advice” friend, and I loved it (most of the time). Because the problems my friends faced had to do with their feelings, (troubles with boyfriends or friends etc) I, a thinker, always gave them a thoughtful, practical, and logical solution, which sometimes was employed to great success, and sometimes was not employed (and ultimately was not met with success). While my friends enjoyed and complained about their drama, I never got into any of it, I didn’t see the point (still don’t). They always envied me for my lack of drama, and I always (rather bluntly) pointed out that they could choose not to have drama too. Overall though, I believe I developed my “perspectives” function at this time, I am highly empathetic and can quite easily “put myself in someone else’s shoes.” Isn’t that what we’re all taught at a young age?
    Now, I am in college. I just finished my first year and I loved it. The fact that there can be so many people occupying a space and NOT MAKING A SOUND is pure bliss. I go to college to learn, not to chat about… whatever people chat about. While I have yet to make any “college” friends in college, I have made friends with my professors. I found a niche with music – composition major – and enjoy meeting with my professors because their extend of knowledge and passion for the subject conjures up in-depth, analytical, and thought provoking discussions that I thrive on.
    And I think I am one of the rare INTJ’s that manages to find a genuine love at such a young age. I have been with my boyfriend for two years now and we base our relationship on growth – both individual and as a relationship. And I think that’s why we thrive. As an INTJ, I rather approached the relationship like a mathematical equation (if this, then that, etc) but thankfully did not deter my partner – he took it and helped me learn how to cultivate the relationship, and I in turn have taught him a thing or two.
    Currently, I think I’m stuck in a part of my life where I do really want those close connections with a friend or two, but at the same time, I just want to isolate myself and be effective. I have a very strong effectiveness drive I think. For now, I’ll let the effectiveness drive produce a lot of music like I want to – but I will do my best to allow social interaction where I can.

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