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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about four ways to cope with being the black sheep, odd duck or outlier in your family or social circle.

In this podcast you’ll find:

The one person in your family who is distinct from all the rest. A significant number of people feel different from the rest of their family.

For instance:

  • The only Extravert in a house full of Introverts – or vice versa.
  • The only iNtuitive in a family of Sensors – or vice versa.
  • The only Thinker in a family of Feelers – or vice versa.
  • The only Judger in a family of Perceivers – or vice versa.

This podcast is inspired by Joel’s son Sawyer who is the only Sensor Judger in their family of iNtuitive Perceivers. An ESTJ in a family of ENPs.

  • Acknowledge the differences and hold space for those differences.
  • Be aware that people around you may not think the same as you.
  • Children will often look to their parents to make sure they are acceptable.
  • The healthiest frame is to ensure you are making the effort to honor the child’s differences and meet them where they’re at. It’s not a matter of, “You need to fit with us,” but “We need to accommodate you.” The family will unconsciously dogpile upon the outlier. It’s just going to happen. So, accommodate them whenever possible.
  • It might not come naturally to you to accommodate a child that is so different from you. If you know your child’s type, help them get into flow by making games of using their driver process. We find Flow by exercising our dominant cognitive function.
  • Try not to frustrate their dominant cognitive function. (If you don’t know your child’s personality type, assess their interests and make an educated guess.)

Suggestions for helping the outliers in the family:

  • Introverts need alone time. Give them domain where they can be uninterrupted every day.
  • Extraverts need outer world stimulation. Set up social options, play, team sports, involvement in group activities, etc.
  • Intuitives need to hear that their ideas matter. Don’t tell an Intuitive child that their ideas are unrealistic. Honor their different thought processes and get them tools to build upon their imagination. Say things like, “That’s interesting,” even if you don’t know what they’re talking about.
  • Sensors need to know that you honor the things that are important to them. Si would have safety triggers. Se would want more physical activity. Don’t frustrate their need for verifiability.
  • Thinkers need info and data. Don’t disregard their need for answers. When a child asks how long till you reach a certain destination, tell them and be as accurate as possible. Don’t call them cold or emotionless because they don’t express emotions the same way. Don’t call them cold-hearted.
  • Feelers need connection before information. Don’t treat the Feeler like they are stupid for not acknowledging the importance of data. Don’t underestimate their potential.
  • Judgers need to feel things are accomplished and organized. They need to feel they can control their environment. They need domain. They need everyone to be involved in finishing a project.
  • Perceivers need freedom in their environment. Chaos doesn’t mean they’re inadequate. Don’t give them the message they are lazy.

What if you are the outlier and nobody accommodates your differences?

  1. Give yourself permission to show up as you truly are rather than trying to fit in with other’s expectations. If you are the iNtuitive, give yourself permission to talk about things that interest you. If you are a Judger, give yourself permission to organize your environment.
  2. Protect yourself. Stand up for yourself. “Don’t call me cold-hearted. I’m a Thinker.” “Just because I’m a Feeler doesn’t mean I am stupid.” Set boundaries. Protect yourself from the overt messages you may be receiving, as well as the overt messaging you may be getting subconsciously.
  3. Proactively communicate your differences. Why do you appear different?
  4. Find ways to heal the wounds that left you feeling marginalized or different. Sometimes a reframe can be very healing. What are you here to teach the world?

Outliers become very aware of how valuable their perspective is. They realize how valuable a different perspective is and can use that to help them find their purpose.

In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about four ways to cope with being the black sheep, odd duck or outlier in your family or social circle. #podcast #outliers #blacksheep

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  • Jacquie
    • Jacquie
    • October 23, 2020 at 5:44 pm

    OMG this was so helpful! I am the only feeler in our nuclear family. I even have a daughter in law who is a thinker. So the other daughter in law and I are the only feelers. Also, both of my sons married sensors and my husband, both sons and I are intuitive. It makes a difference in our understanding of the daughters in law and their needs for more precise scheduling of the holidays, for example. It frustrates the “girls” when we don’t plan for holidays fairly far in advance. They also don’t like to change plans abruptly. Finally, I am guilty of telling my ENTP son that he is disorganized and not likely to be successful. I believed that he was in lazy and didn’t care. Now I feel bad that I told him that. And to be honest, he is very successful now. I wish I had known this piece when he was growing up.

  • Ashe
    • Ashe
    • August 18, 2018 at 11:17 pm

    So I am the only Intuitive feeler in my house to my knowledge after only growing up in a house of ISTJs and I can definitely agree with what’s being said here. As an INFJ, where I wanted to have connection and harmony, my house has always been ran on the concern of effectiveness; as an intuitive, I didn’t get to talk ideas very much, but interacted with my brothers through video games every so often. But no one seemed to understand why i cried so much as a kid and why I had such weird ideas, nor why I’d talk on the phone for hours about stories and concepts as a teenager. It was a totally different experience for them to see and they were baffled by it to say the least.

  • Irene
    • Irene
    • October 24, 2016 at 6:43 am

    I’m INTJ in a house of feelers and extroverts, i grew up with my parents telling me i’m weird, a robot and i should “go outside more often”. Amazing, i know.

  • Ash
    • Ash
    • August 22, 2016 at 2:36 pm

    Was talking about this with my (I think also) ENTP daughter today, and we realized Percy Weasley from Harry Potter is like…the quintessential cautionary tale of being the HUGE outlier in your family and not having your needs honored/recognized. (No offense to the Weasley parents…they were too busy trying to survive their resident ENTPs, I suspect)

  • Colie
    • Colie
    • August 8, 2016 at 12:11 pm

    thank you…i heard about your site through Introvert, Dear. I needed this kind of information to help me validate my own internal process and feelings.

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