INFJ: Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeler, Judger
I recently received a question from one of our INFJ clients about developing the Harmony process:
“I am very keen on personal development and very interested in developing my co pilot, Extraverted Feeling, “Harmony.” Struggling to understand how I develop this to a skill. I find that I learn quite well from examples and then practice them in everyday life. (I am a dentist and just wondering how I can practice this skill in my job and day to day life). Any examples or advise would be welcomed.”
That’s a GREAT question, and VERY high leverage for an INFJ personality type.
The INFJ type is easily the most sensitive of all the types. And by ‘sensitive’ I mean in the “ESP” sense. Whenever I’m profiling a person and suspect they may be an INFJ I ask, “Do you unconsciously absorb other people’s emotions?” And they generally respond with “all the time.”
This is usually considered a curse to most INFJs and they develop a couple of strategies to deal with it.
First, they retreat to their 10 yr old process of Accuracy to create some psychological distance from other people. If you’re constantly picking up other people’s emotions – and those people happen to be negative, angry, or depressed – running to a mental process that turns everything a little cold and analytical (which Accuracy does) is a nice reprieve.
Unfortunately, this also encourages the INFJ to be judgmental of others, since that’s a good platform for gaining distance.
The other most common strategy is to go to an overly people-pleasing demeanor. Using this strategy, the INFJ becomes eternally long-suffering and puts their wishes dead last. The goal is to make sure everyone else feels good all the time – if you’re going to be picking up their emotions, may as well make sure their emotions are always happy and chirpy.
Unfortunately, the INFJ now loses themselves in their relationships, unsure who they are or what they want until it’s too late.
When an INFJ develops the skill of Harmony they learn three things:
1) When getting everyone’s needs met, you as an INFJ are part of “everyone.” Making sure you’re getting your needs met is equally important (if not more!) as getting others needs met. You can’t run on fumes all the time, and you can’t heal others if you’re perpetually sick.
2) Well-developed Harmony understands the need for and how to establish boundaries. Harmony is the process we use to create and maintain unspoken social contracts. Contracts are designed to know each others expectations and honor them (if we agree with them, of course). Build the skill of knowing your boundaries and creating contracts around them. That means you’ll have to communicate them to the people in your life, make sure they fully understand them and agree to them. In a moment where you feel taken advantage of or ‘thrown under a bus’, ask yourself which of your boundaries has been broken and if it was you or the other person that broke it.
3) You are not only on the receiving end of approval/disapproval – you also give approval/disapproval. Retreating to Accuracy for an INFJ is almost always a defensive strike. They believe they are being judged or attacked in some way, and they run to Accuracy to ‘prove’ to themselves that it’s actually the other person at fault. So the interaction goes: I feel disapproved, so I’m going to disapprove of you. When an INFJ understands they aren’t on the receiving end of approval/disapproval – meaning, they aren’t just victims to other people’s opinions – they are far less likely to react in kind. They are also less likely to see a single behavior or painful emotion as ‘the person’. (Accuracy has a tendency to dehumanize other people when not used well, and INFJs use Accuracy to judge the entire person in a dehumanizing way. Makes sense – if the person isn’t a human, they can’t foist their icky emotions on to me.) Instead, when an INFJ knows they have the same power as everyone else to give approval/disapproval, they take each behavior on its own terms and keep the humanity of the other person. “I don’t like how that person is behaving” is a very different story from “I don’t think that person is a good person.” This also keeps the INFJ from being reactionary, but instead they are responsive to these small triggers. They control their judgments instead of being controlled by them.
A great example of a Harmony celebrity is Oprah Winfrey. She has turned getting others needs met and keeping in touch with current culture into a massive business. Her public persona is actually a great example to pattern after. (I say her public persona since I have no clue who she is in private.)
Cheers!
-Antonia
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43 comments
Carla – Thank you for your well-thought out responses. I strongly resonated with everything you said and have found the same habits work for me. The important thing, I have found, is to always maintain those boundaries and make sure I am listening to my intuition. If we ignore it too much it will stop communicating with us.
Bravo on finding what works for you! And thank you for sharing your wisdom with others. :)
Hello Steph Em!
I do not know if your comment/question was in reply to Antonia’s awesome post or to my comment… so forgive me if I’m responding to your question when you intended for Antonia to! :)
Philosophically speaking, part of accepting myself as an INFJ has been recognizing ALL temperament types have strengths and challenges. It puts me in the same boat of humanity along with everyone else. If I wasn’t an INFJ I’d STILL be faced with how to live with a different temperament’s strengths and challenges. So I might as well spend my energy becoming the best INFJ I was created to be instead of wishing I was some other type.
I view Pride and Poor Self Esteem as two sides of the same coin and have spent a fair share of my life vacillating between the two. One side of the coin says I’m better than everyone else and the other side of the coin says I’m worse than everyone else. The antidote to that is, again, being and becoming who I was created to be. To be authentic. Resources like Personality Hacker are like FUEL to help me on that mission.
As I’ve discovered and accepted who and how I am as an INFJ I’ve also had a sense of “coming home”. As I’ve grown more comfortable in my own skin, I mostly attract those who want to be around someone like me, boundaries and all. Those who don’t sort of naturally fall away. There’s little need for confrontation.
Practically speaking, there are ways of engaging and not engaging that honor both others and yourself. For me, it all comes down to priorities and energy.
I ask myself questions like:
Is this something I HAVE to attend, whether I want to or not? (If so, I have to suck it up and go and find ways to care for myself before/during/after.)
After the event, will I be glad I went?
After the event, will I regret not going?
What will I do if I don’t attend? Will I do something that rejuvenates me or escape in to some shadow behavior?
If I wasn’t afraid of offending/hurting someone, what choice would I make?
What would my calendar tell me to do? (Am I over or under booked? Both can be a drain on my energy.)
If I need to tell someone I will not be making it to a gathering/event/etc… I always start by saying things like, “Thank you for asking… for thinking of me… for including me in the loop…”. Then I say things like, “Unfortunately, my body/calendar/other obligations/etc… is telling me it won’t work for me to make it.”
Depending who I’m talking to, my response can range from a simple “It won’t work out this time” to sharing why. To my family and close friends I can say things like, “I know I won’t be my best self if I go; it’s best for me to refuel so I can be decent to be around.” :)
What will happen OVER TIME, is that you will instinctively know when to bow out and when to push yourself. Your family and friends will respect your yes and your no, because they will see your best self when you do choose to attend.
Of course, I fail spectacularly at all of this, but I give it my fair shot. One last thing that helps me is to know that if I go to something I really don’t want to (or participate in something I really don’t want to) I will end up feeling bitter and angry towards other people. That is the OPPOSITE of my best self. My best self is someone who empathizes and cares for people. But I cannot give away what I’ve not given myself.
Sorry for my long-windedness. Best wishes to all of us INFJs!
Thanks for your comment, Steph!
As an INFJ myself, I have found a great deal of freedom in learning to accept my gifts and limitations. One of those limitations is the need to avoid large (or loud) groups. My home is a place of serenity and I find that the environment I function the best in. As a Harmony co-pilot, my growth comes from making sure everyone (including myself) is getting their needs met. I find I focus better in small groups and prefer more intimate circles.
Don’t feel guilt or shame for being you. If necessary, explain yourself to friends or family if you think they need an explanation. Be open, but don’t apologize for who you are. Learn to love yourself. You will find greater peace of mind and inner contentment when you learn to work with your gifts instead of against them.
Thank you! That was really really helpful and those were wonderful concrete examples! As I’ve gotten older, I have started to do many of the same things. I still feel guilty though sometimes, as family members and friends don’t always understand, and i feel like a stick in the mud for not being more lively/outgoing/social, bc on some level I do want to meet people, but on the other hand, I’m very selective, so it creates a disparity and I have trouble accepting who/how I am as an INFJ. Do you have any thoughts on this?
Thank you! That was really really helpful and those were wonderful concrete examples! As I’ve gotten older, I have started to do many of the same things. I still feel guilty though sometimes, as family members our friends always understand, and i feel like a stick in the mud for not being more lively/outgoing/social, bc on some level I do want to meet people, but in there other hand, I’m very selective, so it creates a disparity and I have trouble accepting who/how I am add an INFJ. Do you have any thoughts on this?