INFJ: Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeler, Judger
I recently received a question from one of our INFJ clients about developing the Harmony process:
“I am very keen on personal development and very interested in developing my co pilot, Extraverted Feeling, “Harmony.” Struggling to understand how I develop this to a skill. I find that I learn quite well from examples and then practice them in everyday life. (I am a dentist and just wondering how I can practice this skill in my job and day to day life). Any examples or advise would be welcomed.”
That’s a GREAT question, and VERY high leverage for an INFJ personality type.
The INFJ type is easily the most sensitive of all the types. And by ‘sensitive’ I mean in the “ESP” sense. Whenever I’m profiling a person and suspect they may be an INFJ I ask, “Do you unconsciously absorb other people’s emotions?” And they generally respond with “all the time.”
This is usually considered a curse to most INFJs and they develop a couple of strategies to deal with it.
First, they retreat to their 10 yr old process of Accuracy to create some psychological distance from other people. If you’re constantly picking up other people’s emotions – and those people happen to be negative, angry, or depressed – running to a mental process that turns everything a little cold and analytical (which Accuracy does) is a nice reprieve.
Unfortunately, this also encourages the INFJ to be judgmental of others, since that’s a good platform for gaining distance.
The other most common strategy is to go to an overly people-pleasing demeanor. Using this strategy, the INFJ becomes eternally long-suffering and puts their wishes dead last. The goal is to make sure everyone else feels good all the time – if you’re going to be picking up their emotions, may as well make sure their emotions are always happy and chirpy.
Unfortunately, the INFJ now loses themselves in their relationships, unsure who they are or what they want until it’s too late.
When an INFJ develops the skill of Harmony they learn three things:
1) When getting everyone’s needs met, you as an INFJ are part of “everyone.” Making sure you’re getting your needs met is equally important (if not more!) as getting others needs met. You can’t run on fumes all the time, and you can’t heal others if you’re perpetually sick.
2) Well-developed Harmony understands the need for and how to establish boundaries. Harmony is the process we use to create and maintain unspoken social contracts. Contracts are designed to know each others expectations and honor them (if we agree with them, of course). Build the skill of knowing your boundaries and creating contracts around them. That means you’ll have to communicate them to the people in your life, make sure they fully understand them and agree to them. In a moment where you feel taken advantage of or ‘thrown under a bus’, ask yourself which of your boundaries has been broken and if it was you or the other person that broke it.
3) You are not only on the receiving end of approval/disapproval – you also give approval/disapproval. Retreating to Accuracy for an INFJ is almost always a defensive strike. They believe they are being judged or attacked in some way, and they run to Accuracy to ‘prove’ to themselves that it’s actually the other person at fault. So the interaction goes: I feel disapproved, so I’m going to disapprove of you. When an INFJ understands they aren’t on the receiving end of approval/disapproval – meaning, they aren’t just victims to other people’s opinions – they are far less likely to react in kind. They are also less likely to see a single behavior or painful emotion as ‘the person’. (Accuracy has a tendency to dehumanize other people when not used well, and INFJs use Accuracy to judge the entire person in a dehumanizing way. Makes sense – if the person isn’t a human, they can’t foist their icky emotions on to me.) Instead, when an INFJ knows they have the same power as everyone else to give approval/disapproval, they take each behavior on its own terms and keep the humanity of the other person. “I don’t like how that person is behaving” is a very different story from “I don’t think that person is a good person.” This also keeps the INFJ from being reactionary, but instead they are responsive to these small triggers. They control their judgments instead of being controlled by them.
A great example of a Harmony celebrity is Oprah Winfrey. She has turned getting others needs met and keeping in touch with current culture into a massive business. Her public persona is actually a great example to pattern after. (I say her public persona since I have no clue who she is in private.)
Cheers!
-Antonia
Want to learn more?
Discover Your Personal Genius
When you’re ready, here are five ways we can help you grow…
1. Reclaim Authorship of Your Life (Free Audio): Become the Main Character Your Own Life
2. Regulate your Body, Emotions, Thoughts, & Intuition with Self-Regulation Mastery
3. Understand yourself at a deeper level with a Personality Owners Manual
4. Master the Art of “Deep Reading” people in Profiler Training
5. Rewire your Brain & Build a Life that Fits You in the Personality Life Path
Share:
The Way Out Is Through - 13 Quotes that Can Change Your Life, Part III
"Effectiveness" as a Decision-Maker
43 comments
Thanks for the comment Tamagochi! Can I get the title of that book? It sounds interesting.
Great quote, btw. Antonia and I were discussing just that point the other day. I was complaining about some extraverts that came into a peaceful park and completely destroyed the serenity for everyone else. She told me that wasn’t an example of extraverts, but people who are just generally myopic.
Since she pointed that out, I see it more and more. I call it being two-dimensional or obtuse. They don’t really seem to care that there are other people in the world being impacted by their behavior. It happened to me in a bookstore the other day. These two young girls came in and discussed every author and book as loudly as possible. It was all I could do not to start chucking books at them.
For a long time I was really puzzled by the Fe ability. I was also lucky to have a close ENFJ friend and the things she managed to pull of with it were simply miraculous. Gee, I wished I could do that, instead of living in my head most of the time :)
Then I happened to read one little book published by Arbinger Institute which has really opened my eyes to the subject. Their works are based on the philosophy of Martin Buber. In my opinion, it captures the very essence of what Fe is and how it really works (though it has nothing to do with MBTI directly). Can’t recommend it enough to everyone.
Consider just this one line from it and see if it resonates with you: “To the immature, other people are not real.”
Thanks for the comment, Kim. In a traumatizing situation, where structure meant the difference between life and death, I can see why you would be very Te. That doesn’t necessarily mean it is authentic to you because many of us are the product of our environment. The question is, when you are making things happen and organizing people and resources to accomplish goals does it bring you excitement and fulfillment? Or do you just do it because you were trained to do it? Are you a natural at delegating and talent scouting? Or do you struggle with objectifying people and instead feel the need to connect with others?
Great article as always. I am testing as an INTJ but this ESP of feeling the emotions of those around me hits home.
I had some hard experiences and came home from Iraq with PTSD and ended up on some heavy meds for about 7 years. They helped tons but I didn’t feel anymore. My emotions…gone. Others emotions…gone. Now that I have been feeling again for a couple years I have been leaning even harder on analytical pursuits to avoid the feels. They hurt.
I have become very Te. It is the cognitive function I identify with the most. Is it possible that my self preservation kicked in and my functions are all developed out of order now?
If so, am I going to be able to correctly type myself? My best fit type is ENTJ as I try to recall what my thought processes were from before Iraq and how I developed as a kid. Any advice for an oddly developed individual? Do other types have the ESP pain? If I experience that, does that automatically mean I am an INFJ and I can stop deep diving and start moving forward into self- improvement?
Thanks.
Charis, Thank you for your timely and kind reply; It makes it feel like a “real” dialogue. :) I totally agree about listening to one’s intuition and maintaining one’s boundaries. When things run off the road, I can always track it back to not taking the time to listen to my gut or follow through on what it told me. It’s amazing how important the ORDER of our functions is. If I try to please people, judge the situation, or distract myself through some sensory pleasure BEFORE touching base with my intuition… it’s a big fat fail every time. Thank you for providing the infrastructure through which to share and learn.