INFJ: Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeler, Judger
I recently received a question from one of our INFJ clients about developing the Harmony process:
“I am very keen on personal development and very interested in developing my co pilot, Extraverted Feeling, “Harmony.” Struggling to understand how I develop this to a skill. I find that I learn quite well from examples and then practice them in everyday life. (I am a dentist and just wondering how I can practice this skill in my job and day to day life). Any examples or advise would be welcomed.”
That’s a GREAT question, and VERY high leverage for an INFJ personality type.
The INFJ type is easily the most sensitive of all the types. And by ‘sensitive’ I mean in the “ESP” sense. Whenever I’m profiling a person and suspect they may be an INFJ I ask, “Do you unconsciously absorb other people’s emotions?” And they generally respond with “all the time.”
This is usually considered a curse to most INFJs and they develop a couple of strategies to deal with it.
First, they retreat to their 10 yr old process of Accuracy to create some psychological distance from other people. If you’re constantly picking up other people’s emotions – and those people happen to be negative, angry, or depressed – running to a mental process that turns everything a little cold and analytical (which Accuracy does) is a nice reprieve.
Unfortunately, this also encourages the INFJ to be judgmental of others, since that’s a good platform for gaining distance.
The other most common strategy is to go to an overly people-pleasing demeanor. Using this strategy, the INFJ becomes eternally long-suffering and puts their wishes dead last. The goal is to make sure everyone else feels good all the time – if you’re going to be picking up their emotions, may as well make sure their emotions are always happy and chirpy.
Unfortunately, the INFJ now loses themselves in their relationships, unsure who they are or what they want until it’s too late.
When an INFJ develops the skill of Harmony they learn three things:
1) When getting everyone’s needs met, you as an INFJ are part of “everyone.” Making sure you’re getting your needs met is equally important (if not more!) as getting others needs met. You can’t run on fumes all the time, and you can’t heal others if you’re perpetually sick.
2) Well-developed Harmony understands the need for and how to establish boundaries. Harmony is the process we use to create and maintain unspoken social contracts. Contracts are designed to know each others expectations and honor them (if we agree with them, of course). Build the skill of knowing your boundaries and creating contracts around them. That means you’ll have to communicate them to the people in your life, make sure they fully understand them and agree to them. In a moment where you feel taken advantage of or ‘thrown under a bus’, ask yourself which of your boundaries has been broken and if it was you or the other person that broke it.
3) You are not only on the receiving end of approval/disapproval – you also give approval/disapproval. Retreating to Accuracy for an INFJ is almost always a defensive strike. They believe they are being judged or attacked in some way, and they run to Accuracy to ‘prove’ to themselves that it’s actually the other person at fault. So the interaction goes: I feel disapproved, so I’m going to disapprove of you. When an INFJ understands they aren’t on the receiving end of approval/disapproval – meaning, they aren’t just victims to other people’s opinions – they are far less likely to react in kind. They are also less likely to see a single behavior or painful emotion as ‘the person’. (Accuracy has a tendency to dehumanize other people when not used well, and INFJs use Accuracy to judge the entire person in a dehumanizing way. Makes sense – if the person isn’t a human, they can’t foist their icky emotions on to me.) Instead, when an INFJ knows they have the same power as everyone else to give approval/disapproval, they take each behavior on its own terms and keep the humanity of the other person. “I don’t like how that person is behaving” is a very different story from “I don’t think that person is a good person.” This also keeps the INFJ from being reactionary, but instead they are responsive to these small triggers. They control their judgments instead of being controlled by them.
A great example of a Harmony celebrity is Oprah Winfrey. She has turned getting others needs met and keeping in touch with current culture into a massive business. Her public persona is actually a great example to pattern after. (I say her public persona since I have no clue who she is in private.)
Cheers!
-Antonia
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43 comments
I am a 53-year-old woman who is an INFJ. Here are a few examples of boundaries that seem to be important to me…
I regularly need time alone. To reflect. To lay out all that’s going on in my head. To sort it all out. To see what I need to pay attention to. And what I don’t. This is when my aha moments occur. When I connect the dots. When I discern themes. Or see metaphors. When I am inspired. And when I often know the next step I need to take.
I do this by free-form-journaling three pages. Followed by reading/reflecting and responding to a passage of Scripture. I do this every weekday morning. I used to feel guilty about the time I took to do this. I felt I should be more productive and get more things done first thing in the morning. But I have found in order to be my best self, I need this time to engage with my interior life. FIRST. Only then am I better with other people and my environs. I had to share this with my husband. Of course, he doesn’t have the same bent I have. But he sees the difference in me when I have this time for myself and so he honors it. I created a basket with everything I need in it for this ritual… journal, writing stuff, Bible, several books on virtues and transitions, a box of kleenex… It is a physical object that reminds me (and my husband) that I take this time seriously. I don’t have this personal quiet time on weekend mornings; those days I make smoothies, drink coffee and visit with my husband. This is an example of how I meet my needs first, every weekday, and have enough “fuel” to meet the the needs of my husband on the weekend.
I view my personal quiet time as Self Care… and actually any form of Self Care is a chance to practice setting boundaries… exercise, good sleep habits, nutrition, medical care, attending weekly worship, time to read/learn, getting outside every day, taking a long bath, etc… I find my pendulum swings wildly with how good I am at taking care of myself. Usually there’s some kind of “wake-up call” that if I don’t attend to myself I am going to pay some huge consequence.
My home is another example of a boundary. It is a haven where I recharge and refuel. I do not have a “drop in anytime” lifestyle. I think I communicate that mindset to others in that I never “drop in anytime” to their homes. I am intentional about who I invite over and when. I am my best when I’ve given myself lots of margin to prepare for visits SO THAT when people are in my home I can minimize my attention to logistics and maximize my attention to them. Most of what I host are family gatherings… and I communicate details, ask for input, etc… through a group e-mail thread… where it is all documented if any questions arise. How people FEEL in my home is VERY important to me and is what drives all my decisions in hosting. The best compliment I can receive is someone sharing with me how comfortable they were in my home, what a good time they had, and that they can’t wait to come back. I, on the other hand, always need a day or two to “recover” from a gathering.
Because of my organizational abilities I am often asked to help with a project or event. My style of setting boundaries then always starts by saying I’m honored they would ask for my help, and follows up with asking them to brainstorm what they need/want/see happening. I pay attention to how my gut feels during this time. Do I feel excited? Do I feel like I “want to” or that I “should” do this? Do I feel dread? Do I have the time or energy or ability to do this? If my answer is no I say that I don’t see it working out for me because “it doesn’t fit in to my schedule” or “I don’t think I can give it what it deserves”. If my answer is yes I say “I’m pleased to help” and “this is how I see it playing out”. If I don’t know I say “I don’t know” and that I will get back with them. I must say I still struggle with accurately predicting how much time something will take or how much energy it will take. I’ve spent many a all-nighter completing something and then not being able to fully enjoy the event, etc… because I am exhausted. But I tend to get a rush out of the push as well.
I see the “What are your expectations? These are my expectations.” conversation playing out over and over in my life with others in regards to boundaries. These conversations center around trips, projects, events, holidays, schedules, money, sex, etc… At their most successful, these conversations occurs BEFORE. But there are many times they happen AFTER as well. As in AFTER a misunderstanding has occurred.
I feel my most settled and peaceful by communicating via e-mail. This is a boundary. I can take all the time I want to or need to to share my thoughts. I am my best when even one-on-one get-togethers are scheduled… to meet for coffee or a drink… I often choose not to answer my phone and listen to someone’s voice-message instead… another example of a boundary. But during an emergency I am 200% focused and devoted to the person/people/cause and my personal needs take the backseat. Where I get in to trouble is when I don’t move my personal needs back to the front seat after the crisis has passed.
I guess I also want to share that over-riding all this I view boundaries as fluid. There have been too many times I’ve said, “I’ll NEVER…” only to eat my words. On paper, it might look stupid to do something but in real life it’s just “the right thing”. I use the phrase “Divine Interruption” in my life. I might have had my day or plan all figured out… BUT THEN… And I pay attention to that. Those are the moments swirling with the mystery and grace and glory of messy and beautiful LIFE. God forbid I tamper with the privilege of bearing witness to and experiencing those moments. And THAT is where my thoughts in this “Reply” sort of wrap back around to my first point… the importance of spending time alone every morning where these miracles seem to reveal themselves to me. I hope these kind of examples were what you were looking for, mckinzie… but I have immense respect for Antonia and look forward to her insight to your question!
Antonia, could you elaborate on setting boundaries by giving some examples? Maybe a few more concrete ones and some of the specific ones that seem to be important for INFJs? I understand it in theory – and it’s been something I’ve been trying to work on, but some practical examples would go a long way in helping me (and others I’m sure) in better understanding how it will look and work in everyday life.
Thank you!
Thanks for the article. It is very helpful and made me feel better.:)
Thanks for the elaboration, Antonia. I appreciate it. I might feel better if the two models you mentioned were not people who died by violence because of their beliefs. I get your point, though. Accuracy does not build relationships… and relationships are the key to building change.
I don’t know if it would change your answer, but I may be on some strange borderland between INFJ and INFP.
Thanks again for all your insights. Your posts and videos are always really fun and thought-provoking.
Lisa’s character is most likely an ENFJ, so it makes sense you’d identify with her (since INFJs and ENFJs are similar in many respects).
However, as an outspoken Extraverted, Lisa (and other ENFJs) are more likely to gain attention to their less popular opinions. Lisa’s desire for truth isn’t typical of her type – in fact, it’s only very well developed ENFJs that understand the limitations of social truth and are willing to point out that the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes.
A better model for an INFJ is Ghandi, and in many people’s minds, Jesus of Nazareth. Both of these characters ended up drawing a lot of attention, but they rarely shouted from the rooftops about social change. Instead, they encouraged change through relationships, and inspired people to follow them. It was their effectiveness, not their method, that ended up causing so much trouble for them.
If you feel you are perfectionistic, overly analystical and dense about societal expectation, then you are most assuredly relying too heavily on Accuracy. You may feel good about calling truth for what it is, and that’s awesome. Like Ghandi and Jesus, though, you will have far more success by cultivating and understanding people on a one-on-one level and using insight into how society operates to turn its rules on itself and create progressive sedition. :p
Good luck!
A