ENFJ Dealing With A “Rude And Offensive” ESTJ

Listen To The "10 Minute Type Advice" Episode: ENFJ Dealing With A “Rude And Offensive” ESTJ

Family relationships can be tough, especially when personalities seem to clash at every turn. In a recent Personality Hacker podcast, ENFJ listener Bec reached out with a relatable challenge: how to deal with her ESTJ brother, who she perceives as “rude, abrupt, and uncaring about people’s feelings.”

Sound familiar? If you’ve ever struggled to connect with someone whose approach to life feels like the polar opposite of your own, this blog post is for you.

By unpacking the ENFJ and ESTJ dynamics through the lens of Myers-Briggs personality types and the Personality Hacker Car Model, we’ll explore actionable strategies for personal development. These insights can help you improve communication, build understanding, and grow emotionally—even when your personalities feel worlds apart.

Why ENFJs and ESTJs Can Feel Like Opposites

At first glance, ENFJs and ESTJs seem to come from entirely different planets. Their cognitive functions—the mental processes that shape their worldview—are almost direct opposites. Let’s break it down using the Personality Hacker Car Model:

ENFJ: The Compassionate Connector

• Driver (Dominant Function): Extraverted Feeling (Harmony) – A focus on fostering connection and understanding in relationships.

• Copilot (Auxiliary Function): Introverted Intuition (Perspectives) – A talent for seeing underlying patterns and long-term implications.

• 10-Year-Old (Tertiary Function): Extraverted Sensing (Sensation) – Prone to overwhelm when forced to deal with raw, immediate experiences.

• 3-Year-Old (Inferior Function): Introverted Thinking (Accuracy) – Analytical, but not a natural strength.

ESTJ: The Efficient Organizer

• Driver (Dominant Function): Extraverted Thinking (Effectiveness) – A focus on results, efficiency, and clear outcomes.

• Copilot (Auxiliary Function): Introverted Sensing (Memory) – Grounded in past experience and tradition.

• 10-Year-Old (Tertiary Function): Extraverted Intuition (Exploration) – Likes novelty but in a limited, measured way.

• 3-Year-Old (Inferior Function): Introverted Feeling (Authenticity) – Struggles with deep emotional introspection.

Understanding these differences is a crucial step in your personal development journey, helping you to create healthier, more resilient relationships and enhance your communication skills.

Why ESTJs May Feel “Rude and Offensive” to ENFJs

For an ENFJ like Bec, relationships are all about emotional connection and harmony. ESTJs, however, lead with Effectiveness (Extraverted Thinking), prioritizing efficiency and results over emotional nuance. Here are a few common pain points:

• Blunt Communication: ESTJs value clarity and directness, which can come across as abrasive to ENFJs, who prefer tact and diplomacy.

• Focus on Results Over Relationships: ESTJs often prioritize tasks and outcomes, making ENFJs feel dismissed or unimportant when emotional connection isn’t reciprocated.

• Conflict in Processing Style: ENFJs use Harmony to assess what’s best for the group emotionally, while ESTJs rely on Effectiveness to determine what works logically and practically. These approaches can clash when decisions need to be made.

By recognizing these differences, you can approach your interactions with an ESTJ as a personal development challenge—one that strengthens your emotional intelligence and adaptability, and improves overall communication.

Bridging the Gap: 5 Personal Development Strategies for ENFJs

1. Depersonalize Their Behavior

It’s natural to personalize interactions, especially when someone’s tone feels harsh. But remember: an ESTJ’s bluntness isn’t about you—it’s simply how they communicate.

Try This: When your brother says something that feels offensive, pause and ask yourself:

• Is he being intentionally hurtful, or is he just focused on getting his point across?

By shifting into a depersonalized perspective, you can respond with more calm and grace—a key milestone in personal development.

2. Appreciate the Strengths of ESTJ Cognitive Functions

Rather than focusing solely on frustrations, acknowledge the strengths that ESTJs bring to the table:

• Effectiveness (Extraverted Thinking): Practical problem-solving and resource management.

• Memory (Introverted Sensing): Stability and respect for tradition.

Reframing their traits in a positive light is an essential aspect of personal development.

3. Leverage Your Copilot: Perspectives

Your auxiliary function, Perspectives (Introverted Intuition), is your secret weapon for navigating complex relationships.

Practice: The next time you feel frustrated, challenge yourself to see the situation from a conceptual, depersonalized perspective:

• What values drive his decisions?

• How can his style complement your own?

This mental shift will help you build empathy and adaptability—crucial skills in personal development.

4. Set Clear Boundaries

While understanding your brother’s personality is essential, it’s equally important to protect your own emotional well-being.

Example Boundary:

• “I value spending time with you, but when conversations feel rushed or abrupt, it’s hard for me to stay engaged. Can we approach this differently?”

Framing boundaries in a logical, neutral way increases the likelihood that an ESTJ will respect them.

5. Recognize the Role of Maturity and Development

Cognitive functions evolve over time. A younger ESTJ may wield Effectiveness with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, but with age, they often become more balanced and considerate.

Reflect: Can you identify ways your brother has grown over the years? Even small improvements in patience or empathy are worth acknowledging. Celebrating these shifts supports both his and your personal development.

Accepting Differences: It’s Okay to Not Be Best Friends

Not every family relationship will be deeply connected, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the healthiest approach is to accept your differences and focus on being a supportive family member when it matters.

If deep emotional connection isn’t possible, aim for mutual respect instead. Letting go of the need to “fix” a relationship can be a profound act of personal development in itself.

Final Thoughts and Call to Action

Understanding the cognitive functions behind behavior fosters personal development and emotional intelligence. By embracing the strengths and challenges of both ENFJ and ESTJ dynamics, you can build a relationship that honors the unique gifts each of you brings to the table.

How have you handled challenging relationships with family members of different personality types? Share your story in the comments, or explore more personal development resources at Personality Hacker. Let’s learn and grow together!