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In this episode Joel and Antonia tackle the question… should you only date certain Myers-Briggs personality types?
In this podcast you’ll find:
Does type predict a good/bad relationship?
The short, unhelpful answer is – NO, you cannot predict a good relationship based on MBTI.
The longer answer is – Sometimes.
There is an entire system running when it comes to an individual – culture, Enneagram, Myers-Briggs type, etc.
We forget that attraction isn’t a choice. It is just something that happens to us.
I would caution anyone who limits their dating pool to ideal MB types. You are removing the element of surprise. You may find your ideal type just outside what you consider as acceptable.
Where most people start is which MB types are the most compatible?
The more helpful place to come from is what do you, as an individual, find attractive?
If you are making individual decisions based on massive broad-brush rules, you might have a bad time of it.
Shared values and interests are far more impactful than type.
Enneagram is another strong predictor of compatibility. It determines how a person deals with stress.
Lots of different demographic breakdowns we can look at that will influence one’s ability to maintain attraction and long-term compatibility.
If you break things down to the theoretical level of type, there is a danger. There are lots of other factors that go into a relationship than just type.
In business, just because somebody is of a certain type doesn’t mean they are the best one for the job; or, that they should be discounted because they aren’t of the right type. Character comes into play.
What should you be looking for?
What are you attracted to? Some people are very attracted to a particular cognitive function.
How willing is the other person to work on the relationship?
Can you get some of your needs met outside the relationship?
The rule is there to serve you. You are not there to serve the rule.
Are you becoming the type of person that is going to be the best at who you are so you can attract the most amazing person in your life, no matter their type?
If you grow yourself, you are going to have to shift how you find compatible people. You may not be able to find dates on singles sites or community events. You may need to broaden your horizons and travel to a distant conference where you will meet others on the same personal growth trajectory as you.
The ultimate message is you can’t predict compatibility by type. The biggest node of the system is who you are, and who are you trying to become?
Typology can become rather insignificant when two people who are on the same trajectory meet.
Typology can come into play, but shared interest is paramount.
Type is only one node in the system of the emergent of attraction and a good stable relationship. Not the only node.
Not cause and effect. Just because someone is a certain personality type does not mean they are going to be your best match.
If you are on a personal growth path and that is your primary focus, type becomes a much smaller indicator. Finding a person on the same personal growth path as you is going to be bigger.
If you aren’t on a personal growth path, type may be a bigger node in the system because it will predict compatibility in ways that may prevent conflict.
Conflict is harder to manage if you are not on a personal growth path.
People on a personal growth path prefer conflict because it points to areas of growth opportunity.
If you are in a pair bond relationship, and you are feeling fatalistic about it, your partner may be your opportunity for growth.
Conversely, if you and your partner are creating a dynamic that is perpetually conflict oriented your relationship may be complete.
Typology is a tool that has its uses. In some situations, it is more useful than others.
Let your pleasure and bliss guide the process. Don’t serve the tool. Let the tool serve you.
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18 comments
I think Tolstoy summed it up when he said “All happy families are alike, but every unhappy one is unhappy in its own way”. Happy relationships are irrespective of type, its the shared values, communication and respect that are the determining factor. In that sense, I wholly agree with this podcast.
I do however think there are reasons type can be a significant determining factor. I don’t think someone should say “I’ll only date this type” or that we definitively can say “this type is best for this type”, but type is somewhat important if you know what it is you are looking for from a relationship.
I know personally I want someone who I can share my world with and who understands me intuitively. As an Ni-dom the outside world already challenges my viewpoints and assessments heavily. I don’t want to come home to that as well. I wanted a partner who provided a safe environment for my strong functions so I have the energy to grow my weak functions in all other aspects of life. While I wouldn’t exclude thinkers or sensors entirely, I knew I would have better luck finding this kind of relationship with an intuitive feeler. However, the types that I have the highest attraction to happen to be NTs. I spent my first 10 years of dating life with thinkers, not purposely, its just the men I kept falling for. In each of those relationships however I kept feeling like a crucial part was missing, namely the emotional understanding.
I’m currently dating an INFP, who I didn’t have as strong a magnetic attraction to in the beginning, but its a relationship that has proved to grow stronger, rewarding and better over time. I’m so glad I convinced myself to give an NF a shot. So, actually, in my situation I put more trust in the theory than I did with my own “magnetic attraction”, which hadn’t served me so well the first 10 years of dating. Granted, it could have nothing to do with theory and I just happened to date bad NT types and this one NF just happens to be a winner. Still, I think if left to our own devices we often pick the people who we see as completing us rather than the ones who bring out the best in us (Tolstoy also knew this I think, when he wrote War and Peace; Natasha Rostov falls for two men completley opposite to herself, but its the best friend Pierre whom she didn’t seriously consider for a relationship who ends up being the best partner for her)INFJ/INFP is still a growth relationship as we are very different, however, I feel permission to fully express my Ni+Fe and have it be validated. I’d rather develop my thinking and sensing outside the relationship through work and everyday life. But that is just my personal preference, and certainly not true of all INFJs.
In summary, I agree there is no best type for any person, and any type can be good for any type, so long as their values and what they are looking for from the relationship aligns. With that said, if you know what it is you want from a relationship, type is still a useful tool.
Human Design!!!! I never hear much about that system, but I love it!
I got cold chills and warm fuzzies listening to this podcast. Thanks for the deep talk fix. I agree that finding someone who is also on a growth path is a huge part of relationship compatibility for me as well. Maybe I need to go to a conference XD
This podcast is so incredibly helpful guys. I really appreciate you both for laying things out some beautifully. Now I would like your insight on my existing relationship.
As per your interview with Jayson Gaddis, having a growth relationship does seem to be a much more defining factor than “type” compatibility. I am very much into growth and development, but my partner, not so much. She has been going to therapy for a few years now to gain some level of understanding around why she does what she does. But to me, the understanding seems to only end up being excuse to why she does what she does, and not actually taking much steps towards changing the beliefs, mindset and behaviors. I have suggested self-development books and podcast the her, and she admits that they have indeed helped more than the therapy in terms of behavioral changes. But I don’t think that growth will end up being a real value, or interest to her.
Can I really inspire her to start valuing growth and self development as I do?