Podcast - Episode 0162 - 3 Steps To Optimize Your Relationship

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• This podcast will build on some of the previous podcasts on relationships.
• Most people have aspects of their relationship that they would like to change.
• One of the biggest challenges in a relationship is a lack of clear vision as to the desired outcome of a relationship.
• What outcome do you want in your relationship?
• We have this idea that relationships should be organic and spontaneous.
• Since attraction is organic, we think the relationship will continue in the same vein.
• Focus on the things we do want rather than the things we don’t want.
• What kind of relationship do you want?
• When we have a clear outcome, we know when we are getting closer to it. But when we don’t have a clear outcome, we will create markers of success to determine how we are doing.
• These markers of success are other people’s relationships.
• However, we only get to see external aspects of another relationship, so we experience dissatisfaction based upon a limited amount of info.
• Other people’s relationships have their own system. You may be comparing apples to oranges. They are different people with different needs.
• Gain clarity in areas where you may be unrealistic about your expectations.
  • Do you have a list of deal breakers? Are they realistic?
  • Ideal, perfect relationships don’t exist.
  • How do you want your life to look?
  • How do you want your relationship to look?
  • How do you want to feel?
  • Are you showing up at your best?
  • Are you overly idealistic?
  • Do you really want a relationship?
  • Are you willing to grow and change to get what you want?
• Your highest likelihood of success comes from working on becoming the best version of yourself.
• Why do you want the things you want?
• What makes them so important?
• Can you build flexibility into the outcome and create principles instead of rules?
• Don’t hyperfocus on what you want.
• Look at the system of your relationship as it stands.
• Systems thinking podcast.
• What is happening in the relationship?
• What can you change?
• Do what you can with the reality around you.
• Get clear on the outcome then ask, what are the nodes that are not leading to the emergent you crave?
• If you feel your spouse is the node that is creating an issue, you may have to make peace with that. You may have to shift your perspective.
• What are you bringing to the table that could be causing the disruption?
• Often the blame we project on our spouse is based upon something we bring into the relationship.
• It isn’t their problem. It is ours.
• Now that you have clarity around what you want, and what the current situation is, ask yourself: what action can you take?
• This isn’t about what you want as much as what you have control and influence over.
• You don’t have control over your spouse or your in-laws. You only have control over yourself and how you choose to perceive the situation.
• Identify the actions you have the ability to take that will shift the system in the direction you want.
• We can have high levels of influence even if we have little control.
• Influence is very powerful. It is how we persuade other people to come to our way of thinking.
• When we try to control a situation, as opposed to influence it, any change is temporary.
• Influence helps us to align our desires with other’s desires, which may mean compromise.
• In any relationship, the only right a person has is the right to leave. Everything else is negotiable.
• If you choose to be in a relationship, you have entered a contract where you must negotiate everything with that other person.
• Relationships can terrify us when we consider how little control we have.
• None of us have full control.
• In our choice to share our lives with another person, we must learn to align our desires with the other.
• Recognize you are in a three-legged race. Influence each other to do the best you can together.
• Be clear about the path you want to be on.
  • Do you want to be in a relationship with this person specifically?
  • Or do you simply just want to be in a relationship?
  • What is the system running in your relationship now?
  • What was the system running at the time that created the emergent that is causing the problem?
  • Over what parts of the relationship do you have influence?
• Assuming happiness won’t come until the other person makes the changes you want will never be successful.
• Infidelity is a catch-all phrase to apply to a lot of different contexts.
• Some people have a hard time staying loyal to one person.
• Some people have some emotional issues that are creating the dynamic of infidelity.
• What was the system in place that created the lack of integrity in the first place? Can that integrity be regained?
• Sit down with your mate and ask,
  • “What is your desired outcome for this relationship?”
  • “What do we want to accomplish at the end of our lives?”
  • Are there any obstructions to get you to the place you want to go?
  • How can you both tackle those obstructions together?
  • What strengths and weaknesses do you both bring?
  • What can you take responsibility for as individuals? And as a couple?
• Don’t forget to have gratitude for what you have instead of wishing for something someone else has.
• 3 Nodes discussed in this podcast:
  • Find the outcome you both want
  • Understand the systems running that may be contributing to the outcome or detracting from it
  • Taking action and responsibility for the things that need to be done to reach the desired outcome
• Have you implemented a similar system in your relationship?
• Tell us about it.

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