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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about applying Systems Thinking to your romantic relationships.

In this podcast you’ll find:

  • We don’t believe in cause and effect thinking anymore.
  • We believe everything that happens is an emergent of a whole system running.
  • Systems Thinking podcast
  • A great system to apply to relationships.
  • Systems are made up of different nodes, or parts, that interact and influence each other.
  • Cause/effect thinking is so inaccurate it is futile to consider it.
  • If we don’t like an effect, we tend to seek out the cause, and it becomes a blame game.
  • As a society, we steer away from systems thinking because of its complexity.
  • We prefer to dumb things down and create habits and viewpoints that are inaccurate.
  • Cause/effect invites blame. Blame invites contempt. Love cannot survive contempt.
  • Our spouse is not the cause of all of our problems.
  • Systems thinking empowers us to change the things we don’t like.
  • When a relationship is struggling, ask yourself what nodes changed that resulted in the conflict. Stress at work? Improper diet? Illness?
  • Change the nodes instead of seeking blame.
  • The honeymoon period ends, and couples enter the power struggle phase. No one is to blame. It is a natural part of a relationship.
  • Bruce Muzik podcast
  • If a person seems cranky, ask yourself what system is creating the crankiness.
  • Change the thing, the node that is creating the emergent.
  • When you realize that there is someone you can blame for all your problems, your brain heaves a sigh of relief because it has figured out the problem.
  • You haven’t solved anything. You only think you have. Zoom out. There is never just one person to blame for everything.
  • Going from cause/effect thinking to systems thinking is an infrastructural shift in your mind.
  • You will change the way you look at the world.
  • Seeing relationships and family as a system is a good way to start using this system.
  • Individually, everything runs on 3 different categories: physical, mental, emotional.
  • We are all influenced by external and internal factors.
  • So you have a physical component that is internal, or individual, and a physical component that is external, or environmental.
  • Same applies to Mental and emotional.
  • Physical:
  • What is your health?
  • Are you getting enough nutritious food?
  • Are you exercising?
  • What is going on in your physical environment?
  • Do you live in a town where healthy food is harder to find?
  • What parts of these things are affecting you?
  • In a relationship, what are the physical components between the two of you?
  • Is everyone getting their physical needs met?
  • Do both see the value of taking care of themselves physically?
  • What are the impacts of the internal physical dynamic of the relationship and the external physical factors that influence the relationship?
  • Emotional internal and external influencers.
  • What is the heart relationship?
  • Are you keeping interactions positive?
  • Are you making sure you have a date night?
  • Are you conscious of each other’s love languages?
  • How do you speak to each other?
  • External emotional would be the relationships that surround you.
  • In-laws? Friends? Grandchildren? Siblings? Workmates?
  • Don’t let off steam by taking your frustrations out on your partner.
  • Address the node that is causing the problem. Don’t deflect onto someone else.
  • Once you figure out the actual issue, it is a long-term sustainable fix.
  • Other nodes that can impact a relationship:
  • Beliefs, Graves Levels, Mindset, self-awareness, ability to introspect, personality types, life experience, political alliances, etc.
  • A lot of things can contribute to the success or failure of a relationship.
  • There is a difference between a cause and a catalyst.
  • One of the best ways to stop yourself from projecting blame on your spouse, ask yourself what the catalyst is that got you thinking a certain way?
  • Make sure the system of YOU is running well.
  • Write down a chart of physical, mental, emotional, internal and external.
  • Write all the things you believe about yourself in those categories. What are the influencers? How are you doing?
  • After that, try diagnosing the struggles you are experiencing.
  • Blaming the other person for issues in yourself isn’t based on reality.
  • We can also use Systems Thinking for the things we want in life.
  • What can you do to create the nodes that bring the thing you want the most?
  • What are you doing that is inhibiting the thing you want?
  • Systems thinking is a way to design your life and get the things you want.

In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about applying Systems Thinking to your romantic relationships. #relationships #systemsthinking #personalgrowth

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  • David J Jurasek
    • David J Jurasek
    • September 27, 2017 at 11:51 pm

    I just found this episode and dig deeply how systems thinking helps in so many areas of life. I appreciate how you guys laid it out with so many real life examples also. Really appreciate the authenticity from you both also about how hard it is to turn this kind of wiser big picture holistic mindset on in situations where we get emotionally triggered into our inferior functions!

  • Lazar
    • Lazar
    • April 22, 2017 at 7:49 pm

    Can you recommend books on Systems Thinking? The basic principle pls

  • Holly McIntosh
    • Holly McIntosh
    • March 13, 2017 at 7:52 pm

    HI Kim!
    Thank you for sharing your experiences
    with us! We love hearing how PH fits in
    with ‘real people’ in the ‘real world’! Also-
    It’s my humble opinion that wine makes
    most things okay again! Hang in there ;)

  • Kim
    • Kim
    • February 24, 2017 at 8:00 pm

    Wow, so you just laid out my relationship with my mother in law. Our personalities clash, we’ve had a few “incidents” and it all started after I had kids!

    Just today, she merely sent me a text which instantly triggered defensiveness and anxiety. As I grappled with how to respond, I felt myself get angry and I started getting upset at my kids…taking my frustration out on them. I have not figured out how to talk to her (and I avoid it at all cost, she loves to pry and gossip, which I can’t stand). I’m INTJ, she must be my exact opposite. She simply doesn’t understand why I don’t want to get group manicures, drink wine and giggle! facepalm

    Thanks for putting this out there…very helpful. I love you guys…I tell my husband you are MY extroverts…Antonia, you’re MY T-woman…a mighty woman. I’m not sure I’m up to the task right now of telling my mother in law exactly why she’s like nails on a chalkboard for me. At the very least, I’ll know what’s triggered me and, maybe just go drink some wine…alone, quietly…with my unpainted toenails!

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