Podcast - Episode 0161 - Systems Thinking In Relationships

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• We don’t believe in cause and effect thinking anymore.
• We believe everything that happens is an emergent of a whole system running.
• Systems Thinking podcast
• A great system to apply to relationships.
• Systems are made up of different nodes, or parts, that interact and influence each other.
• Cause/effect thinking is so inaccurate it is futile to consider it.
• If we don’t like an effect, we tend to seek out the cause, and it becomes a blame game.
• As a society, we steer away from systems thinking because of its complexity.
• We prefer to dumb things down and create habits and viewpoints that are inaccurate.
• Cause/effect invites blame. Blame invites contempt. Love cannot survive contempt.
• Our spouse is not the cause of all of our problems.
• Systems thinking empowers us to change the things we don’t like.
• When a relationship is struggling, ask yourself what nodes changed that resulted in the conflict. Stress at work? Improper diet? Illness?
• Change the nodes instead of seeking blame.
• The honeymoon period ends, and couples enter the power struggle phase. No one is to blame. It is a natural part of a relationship.
• Bruce Muzik podcast
• If a person seems cranky, ask yourself what system is creating the crankiness.
• Change the thing, the node that is creating the emergent.
• When you realize that there is someone you can blame for all your problems, your brain heaves a sigh of relief because it has figured out the problem.
• You haven’t solved anything. You only think you have. Zoom out. There is never just one person to blame for everything.
• Going from cause/effect thinking to systems thinking is an infrastructural shift in your mind.
• You will change the way you look at the world.
• Seeing relationships and family as a system is a good way to start using this system.
• Individually, everything runs on 3 different categories: physical, mental, emotional.
• We are all influenced by external and internal factors.
• So you have a physical component that is internal, or individual, and a physical component that is external, or environmental.
• Same applies to Mental and emotional.
• Physical:
• What is your health?
• Are you getting enough nutritious food?
• Are you exercising?
• What is going on in your physical environment?
• Do you live in a town where healthy food is harder to find?
• What parts of these things are affecting you?
• In a relationship, what are the physical components between the two of you?
• Is everyone getting their physical needs met?
• Do both see the value of taking care of themselves physically?
• What are the impacts of the internal physical dynamic of the relationship and the external physical factors that influence the relationship?
• Emotional internal and external influencers.
• What is the heart relationship?
• Are you keeping interactions positive?
• Are you making sure you have a date night?
• Are you conscious of each other’s love languages?
• How do you speak to each other?
• External emotional would be the relationships that surround you.
• In-laws? Friends? Grandchildren? Siblings? Workmates?
• Don’t let off steam by taking your frustrations out on your partner.
• Address the node that is causing the problem. Don’t deflect onto someone else.
• Once you figure out the actual issue, it is a long-term sustainable fix.
• Other nodes that can impact a relationship:
• Beliefs, Graves Levels, Mindset, self-awareness, ability to introspect, personality types, life experience, political alliances, etc.
• A lot of things can contribute to the success or failure of a relationship.
• There is a difference between a cause and a catalyst.
• One of the best ways to stop yourself from projecting blame on your spouse, ask yourself what the catalyst is that got you thinking a certain way?
• Make sure the system of YOU is running well.
• Write down a chart of physical, mental, emotional, internal and external.
• Write all the things you believe about yourself in those categories. What are the influencers? How are you doing?
• After that, try diagnosing the struggles you are experiencing.
• Blaming the other person for issues in yourself isn’t based on reality.
• We can also use Systems Thinking for the things we want in life.
• What can you do to create the nodes that bring the thing you want the most?
• What are you doing that is inhibiting the thing you want?
• Systems thinking is a way to design your life and get the things you want.

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