Podcast - Episode 0160 - Myers-Briggs Cognitive Functions In Relationships

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In this podcast you’ll find:

• Dichotomy in Relationships podcast
• Car Model
• Reference Guides for each cognitive function stack
• The Driver function is very unconscious. You do it automatically.
• If you are in a relationship with somebody who suppresses that driver function, it will cause conflict or depression.
• The driver puts you into flow. It energizes you and makes you feel good.
• It’s not good to be in a situation where that function isn’t being allowed expression.
• Get very clear on your dominant process, and your spouse’s, then have a conversation around it so you can both be aware of each other’s needs.
• Determine if you are leading with a learning process or a decision-making process.
• If your Driver is an iNtuitive or Sensing function, you lead with a learning process (referred to as Perceiving process in the podcast).
• If your driver is a Feeling or Thinking function, you lead with a decision making process.
• If one partner leads with a learning process and the other leads with a decision-making process, it can create conflict.
• People who lead with a learning process tend to hesitate before they make decisions. They want more info before they make a decision.
• Someone who leads with a decision-making process is going to come across way more decisive and live their lives in the realm of should statements.
• Two people driving with judging functions can create friction because each is certain how things should be.
• Two people who lead with learning process can take a long time to make a decision.
• A female who leads with a decision-making process and ends up in a relationship with a man who leads with a learning process may feel like she has to make all the decisions. She may feel like she can’t rest into him because he is so slow to make decisions.
• The Copilot is our auxiliary cognitive function. Our growth state. It’s important we work on this process and use it.
• The Copilot is a more conscious part of our personality, and we can have a tendency to bypass it if we want to stay in a comfortable place.
• When we first start working on our copilot, it could be messy. Stay the course!
• Get clear on the needs of your copilot. If you are an extravert and your copilot is introverted, you have to have introverted time.
• Some people just need to know what is going on with you. Be clear about your needs, so the other person doesn’t misunderstand your actions.
• The Tertiary cognitive function (10 yr old) will be the same attitude as the driver. If your driver is introverted, this process will be introverted. It is a comfortable place for us.
• This function is best when used in times of play. Don’t let it run the show. Let it play, like a 10 yr old.
• When we ignore the copilot and stay in the attitude of the driver and tertiary process, it isn’t a good place for a person to be. We call it a loop.
• Figure out how you loop and discuss it openly so each can identify when it is happening.
• Why are you in the loop? What do you need to get back into your copilot?
• A lot of conflicts come from both people being in this 10 yr old process.
• Out of conflict comes intimacy.
• You can build understanding and intimacy through the conflict if you have the awareness to understand what is going on.
• If someone is getting stuck in the 10 yr old and it is a learning process, it can come across as avoidance. Either avoiding info or seeking distraction.
• If someone is getting stuck in 10 yr old and it is a judging or decision-making process it can show up as being resolute and insistent it is right.
• Te/Fe will try to push the outer world. Ti/Fi can look like you are sticking your flag in the ground and refusing to be budged.
• You might be fighting two different games if your spouse is one way and you are the other.
• If one can be aware enough to get out of the 10 yr old, they can help the situation by pulling the other person out of their 10 yr old.
• It’s not about winning or losing. It’s about building intimacy.
• The 10 yr old is the one that you are going to notice coming up more than anything else.
• The inferior process, 3 yr old, has the maturity of a 3 yr old.
• It is not conscious for most people. It feels icky sometimes.
• If you put your mate in a situation where their 3 yr old is exposed and hurt it will be interpreted as a betrayal.
• How does your 3 yr old show up and what would be a massive betrayal for you? What about your spouses 3 yr old. What would be a betrayal of them?
• Look at the car models for each personality side by side.
• See how they compare and contrast.
• What strengths do you share?
• What weaknesses do you share?
• How can compensate for each other’s blind spots?
• Create language and framework around your personalities so you can speak to each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
• Use this knowledge to increase understanding and open conversation.
• Don’t use this as a weapon.
• Use it as a means to improve communication and connection.
• Just having the language solves the majority of conflict.

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