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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about strategies for owning yourself and not giving away your personal sovereignty.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- We are socialized to see sovereignty as the opposite of the way it works.
- Self-governing
- Self-regulating
- The Power to make the choice that feels right to you
- In a lot of ways, we choose to give up our sovereignty.
- It begins in childhood.
- Everything is a skill that we build, but sovereignty is inherent.
- We can govern ourselves however we want.
- If sovereignty is not in our possession, it isn’t because someone took it from us.
- It was because we gave it away.
- We get to decide how we experience reality.
- Our perceptions are defining our reality.
- Most of our filters are socialized.
- We gain more control over those filters and lenses as we grow.
- We may feel our sovereignty is laying out in the open, totally vulnerable.
- It isn’t.
- Compromising is different from handing over your sovereignty.
- When we choose to do something we are honoring a value of ours.
- We may take a hit to honor a value of greater worth to us.
- What is the higher value you are observing?
- The empowering thought isn’t about losing sovereignty; it’s about you recognizing that you are valuing something else higher.
- Sometimes we think we will lose relationships if we insist on our way.
- We avoid ruffling feathers to avoid getting booted from the tribe or losing our job.
- This is ancient programming. It doesn’t apply anymore.
- Our autoresponse is slowing things down.
- FJs have a natural response to say YES automatically. Boundaries are hard for them to maintain.
- Depending on your personality type, you may need to slow down the process and think before you say YES.
- Fi feels like it is losing sovereignty every time it concedes because identity is part of its desires.
- It can be a holistic system where you hand over your sovereignty, or it can be a multitude of micro-transactions.
- What is a lack of sovereignty vs. a necessary compromise?
- Did I choose to compromise?
- Or do I feel like I shouldn’t have handed over something?
- Fi can be too much about sovereignty or not enough.
- If you stand up to a situation and you lose that relationship, they are leaving the real you. Do you really want that person in your life?
- Fi needs to become unattached to everything being an identity piece.
- Your identity isn’t static. It is plastic. It changes all the time.
- Thinkers have these same elements in their personality.
- “My sovereignty wasn’t taken, I gave it away.”
- “I didn’t give my sovereignty to another person, I gave it to a value that is inside of me, and I need to figure out where that value lives.”
- Be aware of how you operate.
- Do you have Fe in your stack, so you end up being more service oriented – this shows up for Thinkers in their relationships.
- Or do you use Fi and feel like you are taking massive ego hits every time you make a concession?
- What is your authentic, true value system?
- Behave in alignment with your value system, even if it means taking some hits in the outside world.
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5 comments
This was a really good subject for me. I struggle constantly with feeling victimized by what I now see is my unconscious allegiance to a hidden value, which is that the truth must always be told. I honor this value in ways that are detrimental to my social and work situations. I was waiting for your recommendations on how to come to terms with that struggle. At the end when you, Antonia, said that the pattern interrupt is to realize that you are making a choice between values, and to question them was the most applicable part of the podcast for me. I’m constantly taking a hit for honoring this value of truth over convenience and personal safety, and then feeling victimized about the consequences that follow. I’m an ENFP. Can you suggest ways to get the two opposing needs into better balance? It’s as though I’m being run by the pilot and the kids in back. The same pattern unfolds over and over where I enter a system, find it in discord with my values but get hooked on the flow state it brings. I end up fighting the system and usually an explosive end ensues..which I see as me being victimized. Does that make sense?
Thank you for the great podcast , really opened my mind to situations i am feeling right now.
As an INFP I really related to a lot of the things you said …
Barbra that is such a good example and helped clarify it. I use Fi as well but what Joel and Antonia said just wasn’t clicking. But you’re right, thats why other people making discussions for me is so difficult; they get it wrong and I feel a loss of…my value being encroached upon I suppose (just getting vocabulary for it.)
Time is the biggest one for me. When I put off and cancel everything to be there for someone I love and they don’t show up my teeth grit at how my time was wasted and am angry saying in my head “you should know by now how much my time means to me!” “If they’d told me they’d be an hour late I could have done so much!” It’s a personal felt hurt against who I am and what I could have done with my being. Where as Fe would be more concerned about the relationship dynamics?
I’m listening and it made sense. I’m an INFP and I really relate to the idea of giving my sovereignty over to a value more so than to a person. I also understand how identity is part of the picture. When I give in, lots of times it doesn’t fit my identity. It can freeze you when it comes to making decisions, when your identity and the available options don’t jibe. Simple example: a person needs new underwear. Their identity is eco-friendly and economical. The person wants to order organic cotton, but that’s too expensive, so do they bite the bullet and order it, or buy whatever they find at the local store. Or wait and see what turns up at the thrift shop?! For a person led by introverted feeling, every decision has deep ramifications in turns of values and identity. You’ve offered some food for thought that hopefully will help me make quicker decisions and not feel like I’ve betrayed myself all the time.