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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about the power of self-care and attending to your needs.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Sometimes we put our needs last.
- It looks like society has started asking for the things it wants or needs.
- Is that true?
- Depression isn’t going away. Feeling marginalized isn’t going away.
- So, more people are asking for their preferences, but the result is staying the same.
- Preference doesn’t necessarily mean self-care.
- We may be entering a perceiver society.
- The 1950s was a Judger period.
- Individual expression was discouraged.
- Perceivers want to express their individuality and include everyone’s perception.
- Special snowflake syndrome.
- It’s neither bad nor good.
- The pendulum always swings between extremes.
- Asking for what you want vs. asking for what you need.
- Culture is evolving that will no longer allow itself to be oppressed.
- It isn’t resulting in much happiness or fulfillment, though.
- Self-care is refined by its results.
- Self-care should equal peace, happiness, joy.
- Self-care is managing your energy levels well.
- When we are burned out, we become fussier.
- Self-care is context dependant. It depends on each individual.
- What is at the heart of creating obstructions that get in the way of joy, fulfillment, peace?
- If you know that doing yoga makes you happy, why is it so hard to maintain a commitment to the thing that makes us happy?
- Is yoga making you happy? Or is it the way you feel after doing yoga?
- If we want more flexibility in our minds and bodies, and yoga does that it isn’t about the yoga that gets our needs met – its the flexibility.
- Get better with your definitions and figure out what is going on.
- In the case of somebody demanding their needs be honored, what is the actual need?
- Is it a need to be seen and validated?
- Is it a need to express themselves?
- Is it a need to feel that they matter?
- The preference isn’t the need. It’s the strategy for getting the need met.
- Doing self-care means you have to start peeling those areas back and become conscious of what the origin of the need is.
- Self-care is one of the paths to personal empowerment.
- Are we looking for self-care or are we self-indulgent?
- It is hard to figure out what our needs are.
- “I’m not going to change. I’m an amazing person, and everyone needs to recognize it!”
- This may be smoke in mirrors for someone who has low self-esteem.
- “I’m a horrible human being” is much more disempowered than “I’m an awesome human being.”
- It could be overcompensation in that the person refuses to see how broken they feel.
- Getting needs met is very personal. What are your actual needs?
- If you have never gotten your needs met, you may need to take the suggestions of other people who are good at it until you build awareness around the muscle of it.
- Get sensitive to what your individual needs are and then create some specific disciplines that are tailored to your individual experience.
- We have to be responsible for our self-care. We can’t outsource it.
- Don’t feel guilty about taking the time you need.
- Train yourself to notice when you are burned out and need some time to yourself.
- Sometimes we pour into people what we think they need but it isn’t what they need.
- We are the only ones that truly know what is going on with us on a subterranean level.
- Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs gives us a scale for what is going on, and it is specific to each of us.
- Get to the core of the need and find the best strategy for implementing it.
- You can meet the need of hunger with french fries or a salad. What does your body need?
- Some needs are met with the philosophy, “I am an awesome human being who doesn’t need to change.”
- For other needs, that may be the worse thing you can do.
- Are your strategies working for you?
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1 comment
I think Joel made an excellent point when he said that self-care is about managing energy levels. I’ve discovered that I can be focused on other people’s needs about 60% of my waking hours, as long as I take care of myself and focus on recharging the other 40% of the time.
I’m an INFJ, and I’ve struggled with people pleasing in the past. In the last six years, I’ve learned to set some boundaries so that I can engage in some self care for the purpose of having something to give back in return. There was a time in my life when I would be so depleted from giving that I would literally sleep all day on the days that I was not at work. After working 60-70 hours per week, I’d rest all day on Saturday, do chores on Sunday, and have no energy for things like exercise and reading and journaling, and those things that recharge me. At that time, I was tutoring for a minimum of 40 hours per week, and teaching 7-8 hours per semester on top of that. That’s not a grand total of 48 hours per week worked. Prepping for class, writing and grading quizzes and tests, one-on-one tutoring and managing tutors as the math lab coordinator was satisfying and meaningful, but it was also draining as I spent so many of my waking hours adapting to the needs of every student who walked into the lab.
These days, I still work long hours, but I have more flexibility in my schedule. I still work about 60 hours per week, and usually take no more than one day off per week, but those mornings before I work a ten hour day are spent cleaning my home, journaling, resting and thinking while enjoying the view of the outdoors, and sometimes exercising. I’m also very kind to myself about my diet and exercise routine, because I once had a very controlling partner who nitpicked everything about my diet, exercise, and the way I chose to spend my spare time.
But… I will say that some of your comments in the podcast triggered me a bit. Since I’ve been engaging in self care and setting boundaries, people have been calling me selfish, self absorbed, saying that I think “I’m awesome” and that I have no growing to do, which simply isn’t true. The growth work I’ve had to do has involved setting boundaries and not allowing the whims and will of significant others, students, and strangers to determine the course of my life. I’ve been seeking plenty of outside input (through reading and podcasts for example) but I’ve chosen to ignore some of the advice as it relates to learning to be more selfless because I don’t think I have a problem with that. I was a doormat and people pleaser for years.
My question for you is, how do you respond to those who would label and belittle and mock you for engaging in self care, especially when that self care involves setting boundaries and learning to trust yourself after narcissistic abuse? I believe I’ve considered their point of view, but after consideration and self reflection, I don’t think I’m who these gossips and busybodies say I am at all. I think this feedback can safely be ignored while I continue to pursue content like that on PH that helps me to understand myself and my needs. Any thoughts?