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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about how to take control and write your own love story.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Most stories involve a conflict of one sort or another.
- Hollywood love stories usually involve conflicted relationships.
- Star-crossed lovers.
- Romeo and Juliet – external struggles kept them apart.
- Pride and Prejudice – internal struggles kept them apart.
- Most stories focus on more of a Romeo and Juliet scenario.
- Real life relationships rarely mirror a Romeo and Juliet struggle structure.
- Our love stories are a fabric of who we are.
- They are our models for how love works.
- Stories focus more on the falling in love piece rather than the staying in love piece.
- Falling in love is easy.
- Staying in love is difficult.
- Don’t get so addicted to falling in love that you ignore the rewards of staying in love.
- Pride & Prejudice – a personal growth love story.
- More like real life stories: 2 people who are struggling to get over their issues that are keeping them apart.
- There’s an element of the man in a romance story having to atone for something he did.
- Rom-Coms appeal to women because it puts them in a power position.
- Falling in love is an essential part of our ego because our survival as a species relies upon procreation.
- Next time you see a romance, deconstruct what is going on.
- What is the conflict about?
- Do both have to grow? Or is it an atonement film?
- Does fantasy set your expectations?
- Reality rarely mirrors fantasy.
- Look for beauty in the mundane.
- If you’re going to calibrate, don’t calibrate to Hollywood.
- Calibrate to beauty, and find that beauty in the everyday.
- Love stories can be beautiful.
- Find the beauty in your own life.
- You have the potential not just to observe life, but to participate and create the epic experience you crave.
- What is your love story?
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1 comment
By far my favorite resource for maintaining an emotional and loving connection over time with a partner is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) as applied to couples. It was originally developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and you can read about it in her more recent book, Love Sense (where it goes into the science of attachment bonds) or the previous book, Hold Me Tight, which is all about the conversations necessary in a relationship to maintain that safe, stable, loving bond between two partners over time. Fantastic stuff!
This work has helped my partner and I become incredibly close and secure with each other, and we are still growing together. In the beginning of our relationship, I was bogged down with so much anxiety about whether he was right for me, or whether this was the relationship I wanted to commit to. But unlike previous relationships of mine, which felt at their core based in fear and a bit of codependency, my current relationship has always felt “healthy.”
I put healthy in quotes because this was the first time I’d ever experienced a healthy relationship. The anxiety was stemming from the fact that “healthy” was unfamiliar to me. The tools and skills that EFT provided allowed me for the first time express my needs to my partner and get them met, so that I could feel loved and satisfied in my connection with him. And it did the same for him. I could now define what healthy looks like in a relationship, and I could see that it’s exactly what I have with him.
We just took the plunge of moving in together and could not be happier. It’s not all roses – we still have conflict – but the conflict feels different because, underneath any tension that arises, there is still that underlying foundation of “we’ve got this, we’re going to be ok”. Underneath any tension is always love, respect, and safety.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on all the pop culture references to romantic love! The Pride and Prejudice analysis was awesome. I think I’ll have to check that one out now ;)