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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about “the deferred life program” that people often find themselves living.

In this podcast you’ll find:

  • Amazing things are happening around us every day, but all we can think of is the thing we need to be doing instead of being present.
  • Are you deferring the moments in your child’s life assuming you will have another chance in the future?
  • Everything is temporary. If you spend your life deferring everything, what will you regret when your life is ending?
  • Some of us have deeply embedded programming that encourages us to defer life
  • Society sees nobility in the deferred life program. There’s nothing noble about designing life the way you want it.
  • People who create the lives they want are seen as lucky or selfish.
  • We have more control over our day to day lives than we think.
  • “Real life will begin sometime in the future. I need to suck it up now, but things will be much better in the future.”
  • People will tell you to stay present with your children because they grow up so fast. That is considered a noble occupation.
  • There is less messaging in society that you should quit a job that makes you feel miserable.
  • People see nobility in the struggle of working a job that supports the family even if you are miserable.
  • “Life begins at retirement.”
  • Deferred life propaganda can rob you of your life and add needless stress
  • It’s not whether you are allowing indulgences in your life, it is whether you are in your life right now.
  • Are you living the life you want to be living?
  • “Life is not a dress rehearsal.”
  • This life is real. Stay present instead of waiting for life to begin.
  • Some paradigms teach that this life isn’t the real life. That believers need to spend their time today preparing for a future paradise.
  • It is a skill to take your circumstances and make the best of them, which is something we can learn from these paradigms.
  • But some paradigms teach that nothing is good, so there’s no point in changing things for the better.
  • We settle into unhappy situations because we don’t think we have the permission to change.
  • We believe that making meaningful choices to suit ourselves is somehow bad, so we become more and more under-resourced until we can’t function.
  • “I’m supposed to be living this.”
  • “If I’m going to be a good person, this is what people do.”
  • We can architect our life, but changing direction and architecting something different is difficult and time-consuming.
  • “I don’t like my life! Who is responsible for me not liking my life today?” You are responsible
  • Wanting something different means architecting something different which requires permitting yourself to want something different
  • Stop kicking the can down the road
  • The deferred life program involves a lot of waiting. Waiting for someone or something to come along and rescue you.
  • We are actually waiting on ourselves.
  • There’s no board of directors for our life that is planning the next phase for us.
  • Maybe it is selfish to allow yourself to become so unhappy that you can’t be present with your children
  • Suck the marrow out of life!
  • We aren’t talking about delayed gratification: work hard now and get a better return in the future
  • Deferred life is a different mentality: it is a lack of permission to live the life you want
  • The first step is the awareness that you tend to think this way
  • We wait for the movie moment that kicks off the life we want: wedding day, 21st birthday, the birth of our first child, etc.
  • We keep waiting for the epic scene where we are the hero of our own story.
  • “If it is to be it is up to me.”
  • It is hard to design the lifestyle you want.
  • Sometimes when we honestly look at our lives, we see that we live an enviable life, but we are still kicking the can down the road
  • We get addicted to the future paced viewpoint
  • Some types may struggle with the tendency to defer to the future more than others.
  • What are the things you are deferring in your life?
  • Slow everything down and take the time to get present in your life
  • What would happen if you didn’t fulfill your promises? What is it you want to do? What is the ROI?
  • There is a lot of work to make sure you are truly in your life.
  • If you don’t want to live a deferred life you are going to have to go down to the wiring of your life and ask yourself the questions you don’t want to ask

 In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about "the deferred life program" that people often find themselves living. #podcast

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35 comments

  • Krista Moncado
    • Krista Moncado
    • September 14, 2018 at 5:32 pm

    I’ve listened to several of y’all’s podcasts now, and this one struck some epic chords with me. I’m a 40 year old INFJ that was raised in the same cult you were, Antonia. I know you didn’t name them, but the phrasing and principals were so precise, I immediately clued in and laughed out loud with recognition and glee! Thank you for speaking your truth. I’ve been completely out since 2009, and still recovering from the damaging thinking processes. What you said about it not being a thought to turn, but an automatic process struck home with me and I think will be helpful in my continuing journey. I appreciate your vulnerability, and if y’all are ever near Missouri, I would love to have a chat!

  • Angela
    • Angela
    • September 9, 2018 at 9:14 am

    Hi Karen,

    I’m in Milwaukee and have been thinking about creating an intuitive driven/self-actualization based meet-up group for those of us on the West (ish) end of Lake Michigan.

    Would love to collaborate with another person passionate about growing and connecting. Would you be interested?

  • Angela
    • Angela
    • September 9, 2018 at 9:00 am

    V,

    I feel you. I am an INTJ and just ended a 10 year relationship where life was deferred by choice (didn’t really understand what was happening until the end of the relationship). Now I am back to me but have to restore what I lost as well as to start completely a new. In saying this, it is sooo easy to think about the life I want as opposed to the life I have right now.

    I am trying however to find things to celebrate in the right now. But, it is work! I would rather live when I’m out of the whole as opposed to living while in it. :)

  • Angela
    • Angela
    • September 9, 2018 at 8:44 am

    Oh, I am also an INTJ in my (mid to late) 40s. Lol, I felt this was important to add.

  • Angela
    • Angela
    • September 9, 2018 at 8:38 am

    Hi Kristi,

    I love how you just captured the phenomenon of leaving (and grieving) a deferred life.

    I am nine months into my departure (single again after a 10 year domestic partnership) and am just now getting my wings back. I like how you talked about the incredible loss of the deferred life especially after creating such a strong bond with it.

    Last week I wrote the following blog post to begin expressing my return and unpacking the me that had been deferred. I haven’t thought about sharing it until now.

    http://wp.me/p83Zan-eM

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