Podcast - Episode 0243 - Making Peace With Your Parents (Part 1)

21 comments

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  • Ty
  • September 27, 2018 at 7:02 pm

  As soon as I finish this comment I’m going to listen to the second part of this episode… And probably cry… a lot. So I wanted to write this first before ALL THE EMOTIONS happen.

  I’ve been loosely following your podcast for probably a year. I’ve never developed a regular habit of podcast listening, so I used to just pick 3-4 of your episodes that jumped out at me as a treat for long drives. Recently I started training for a half-marathon and my long runs gave me a new opportunity for podcast listening (yay!). In August I happened to do a “month of sobriety” and I was right at the start of it, and was picking out one of your podcasts to listen to to get me through 7 miles, and I happened to see “The Drinking Episode”. I’m a big believer in synchronicity (hence why I’m even telling this long-winded story) so I was like “SWEET! THIS IS PERFECT!” I had automatically assumed that “The Drinking Episode” was going to be more technical- something about how drinking affects certain personality types differently… Perfect food for thought while abstaining from alcohol, right?

  Oh how foolish I was! :D So, I’m not going to lie, it definitely did the opposite of what I had originally hoped for and made me want a drink suuuper badly. (Dear champagne, I love you. But don’t worry- I absolutely didn’t!) Obviously as soon as the episode started and you guys started to explain the premise, I could tell that it was not really what I had imagined, but again- big believer in synchronicity- so I decided to stick with it.

  Running is drudgery for me in general, but listening to you guys have so much fun was definitely helping.

  Also, because Antonia may appreciate this, I just moved up to Vancouver, Washington recently so I happened to be running along the Columbia river.

  So suddenly about 4 miles in, and totally unexpectedly, Antonia starts alluding a little bit to her history. “Oh I relate to that!” And then a little bit more “Wait… I really relate to that…” And then she says the word “shun” and I literally came to a sudden full on dead stop in the middle of Wintler Park and threw up my hands and tears started to pour down my face.

  So about 5 years ago I left the religion I was raised in, was disfellowshipped, and lost… literally everyone. All my immediate family, my best friends, my acquaintances, my ENTIRE social group. It’s a really bizarre experience to go through or to try to explain to people. (Also, side note, listening to your reasons for leaving was so interesting from a personality perspective. Obviously losing everyone in your life is a Big F***ing Deal, and you KNOW it’s going to happen if you leave. Humans are not wired to be okay with being cast out of their social group. In fact we’re pretty much wired to do everything imaginable to absolutely avoid that at all costs. I think the one thing that can get us to willingly walk off that cliff is the idea that we need to save our Self. You’re a thinker and I’m a feeler- and yet we came to the same conclusion of having to sacrifice… essentially everything… but for completely different reasons and because the religion oppressed our sense of Self in very different ways.)

  Just hearing that you went through the same thing as me was incredibly cathartic for me at that time. I thought about writing a comment then but… didn’t. Ha. Introvert problems.

  Still I secretly hoped that you might talk about your experience more on the show at some point.

  So I was really happy (well not happy actually- something more like… moved?… touched?… profoundly affected?…) to wake up to an email about these two episodes.

  Short story long… Thank you so much for sharing your story. I haven’t heard it all yet, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it will help me untie some of these knots I’ve been holding onto.

  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  I know how hard this has been, and I want to tell you that you’re not alone. I’m so selfishly glad that you had the courage to talk about this. I now hold the concrete knowledge that I’m not totally alone in having this freaking bizarre life experience. Even better- I’m in the company of a person I really admire, enjoy, and respect. :)

  Somehow that makes all the difference.

  P.S. Edgefield is also on my bucket list. I hope it was amazing!

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  • Lauren Keim
  • September 24, 2018 at 6:13 pm

  After listening to this week’s podcast (pt 2), it reminded me that I was going to leave a comment on this one.

  I think at the end Joel mentioned that he would love to hear how people who have lost their parents go about making peace when the chance is gone, and I wanted to share what I did that brought me ultimate closure. Especially, hearing about how Antonia’s trip actually ended up going.

  I lost my dad last Thanksgiving. But before that, he had been in the hospital in June, and I too, took the opportunity to talk with him, worried that I wouldn’t get the chance. He justified his choices (mainly about health) and I made sure to tell him my feelings (of love and gratitude, and even some frustrations.) I wasn’t exactly satisfied with the interaction, but I had found a certain level of peace, in knowing I tried and that I had this somewhat hard and awkward conversation.

  Fast forward to him getting sick at Thanksgiving, after months of him making incredible (for him) lifestyle changes. I did everything I could to show him love in his final days. But, when he died, I still felt cheated, angry, and heartbroken for him. Angry, mainly because he had indoctrinated us kids (for a long, long time) to be prepared for him to die young, and had purposely disconnected himself emotionally from us in hopes we wouldn’t mourn his loss. Unfortunately, no conversation makes up for lost time.

  What helped me process it was writing it all out. I wrote a letter to him, but also to myself (specifically the inner child who was hurting from losing her dad). My resentment was of lost time and this grief that my dad never transcended his pain. Of course, we pick up certain behavior patterns that are modeled by our parents, and his was to withdraw/disengage. One that I am all too good at.

  What helped me find peace was knowing he lives on through me. His literal genes, humor, good and bad traits live on through me. So even though he’s gone, he’s still with me through biology and memory. And even though he didn’t over come certain hurdles in his life, by doing the best I can in my life, transcending those negative behaviors, healing my hurts, and living my life to the fullest potential- I can, at the very least honor his memory.

  So maybe (hopefully) my story will help someone else. I discovered your podcast early this year, and to be honest, I was able to find peace with what happened, because of your podcasts. So thank you! You two are amazing people and I am incredibly grateful for what you all do.

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  • BM
  • September 23, 2018 at 10:52 pm

  Thanks — and to you. And to all of us willing to enter that territory!

  Look forward to hearing how it went.

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  • Shannon Edmondson
  • September 22, 2018 at 6:22 pm

  Not accidentally, and thank you to the Powers that be, I heard this podcast the day before I had one of those come-to-Jesus discussions with my father. He’s 87, has Parkinson’s, cancer, and a variety of other maladies. He also has a girlfriend, a girlfriend who is his mistress during my mother‘s life.

  So my first comment to her about my mother, who is an alcoholic when I was a child. She got sober after I moved away, but obviously that leaves some discussions that needed to be had. I was blessed to be part of her last year. We had so many important discussions! We laughed and cried and faught and sat in silence holding hands. As the cancer progress to her brain, she clung to me for support. I slept in the bed with her the last six months and she would wake up and look at me in amazement, stroke my face, and say, “you’re here!” That’s really enough to tell me that time is it very sure way of healing old wounds. But we don’t always get that gift. So my father cheated on my mother with the woman who is now his girlfriend. She was the secretary in his office, and used the power of balancing his checkbook and credit cards to control my mother for 40 years. Since my mothers death, she has attempted to use the same tactics on me. We had a lot of ups and downs, but I believe that I was put in this position to get to know my father is a human being. Not as a less than perfect husband, not as a why-didn’t-you-love-me-more-Daddy Father, but simply as a man who did the best he could Father, and wishes he could’ve done better. Don’t we all? So, through personality inventory training ( I’m certified in Myers Briggs), I now understand a lot more about how we are all doing the best we can at any given moment. And I took that with me to the meeting with my dad and his girlfriend. That’s what makes the difference in life. Believing that everyone is doing the best they can and will help you allow love. Everyone wants to be valued, and everyone wants to feel good about where they are. Allowing people to be where they are, allowing people to be who they are without judging, knowing that we are all doing the best we can it’s a place of peace and love.

  So thank you for letting me post this rambling diatribe about my parents. I’m sitting in the bathtub but they have a coffee which is where I sit every day when I listen to this podcast, crying :-), which is what we need to do sometimes.

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  • Diana S
  • September 23, 2018 at 12:03 am

  Oh boy, what a relevant and important podcast. My Dad passed away in June and I was fortunate enough to make as much peace with him as I could before he passed. Before he died, I went about getting to know him as a man and as a human being. Because of that, I felt far more compassion and love for him than I have in my life. He was probably not fully aware of what I was doing and I felt like he wouldn’t fully understand why I was connecting with him. I didn’t like him most of the time and much of my inner rage stems from my early relationship with him. Forgiving him was helpful in forgiving myself for not being the person I really wanted to be. Thanks for your courage and vulnerability during the podcast.