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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about what it takes to see behavior change in your romantic partner.
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Podcast - Episode 0248 - Romantic Personality Type Pairings (Part 3) — Coaching An INFJ - ESTJ Couple
Podcast - Episode 0250 - Self Discipline and Self Boundaries
8 comments
Another higher-quality google-fu question: how can I best illustrate to my partner the merits of using personality type to understand another person?
I’ve found the best way to do this with my ENTJ husband (whose attitude towards type was lukewarm on good days) was to start outside our relationship — with his work colleagues, friends, etc. When approached by our partner with tools that can “improve our relationship together,” I think most people hear “tools to improve you.” In my husband’s case, I started with a coworker who was perpetually irritating him. I shared the type I thought he was and how he and my husband share some functions in common but in different car positions and how that leads to differing priorities. In short, your coworker is not deliberately annoying you, he’s just being his type. I repeated this scenario many times over. It took about a year, but my husband has very slowly come around to the idea of applying the model to our marriage. So, even if a loved one is reluctant at first, give them time and see if they don’t come to appreciate their tool in their own time.
I learned all my best passive aggressive techniques from my mom and were from Minnesota so it’s at super hero level now. Thanks mom.
Many thanks to you Joel and Antonia.
I am someone who is trying to help my family understand themselves by gently including type and cognitive functions in conversations with them, it’s quite well received, they’re starting to understand when I say, “Oh that’s your 10-year-old Memory function slipping you off track there” (my teenagers are intp and infp), and understanding my husband’s FIRM fixation is Management, and for him to know mine is Safety or Invulnerability, is helping us both understand what’s derailing us in arguments. But I have realised because of this podcast, that I am the one without a vision for our relationship, which is why I am feeling unsafe and vulnerable to almost everything my family is doing in life….and I’m causing the arguments! (Of course my ENTJ husband has goals and a vision, he wouldn’t be him without them, lol,) But me being an INFJ, mine have been swallowed up in helping everyone else clarify and integrate theirs! Now it’s time for me to knuckle down and clarify my vision of what I want in my relationships, instead of waiting for time to become available in amongst everyone else’s busy schedules for me.Thank you again…..I have some deep soul searching to do.
Melissa
Thank you! I am someone who is trying to help my family understand themselves by gently including type and cognitive functions in conversations with them, it’s quite well received, they’re starting to understand when I say, “Oh that’s your 10-year-old Memory function slipping you off track there” (my teenagers are intp and infp), and understanding my husband’s FIRM fixation is Management, and for him to know mine is Safety or Invulnerability, is helping us both understand what’s derailing us in arguments. But I have realised because of this podcast, that I am the one without a vision for our relationship, which is why I am feeling unsafe and vulnerable to almost everything my family is doing in life….and I’m causing the arguments! (Of course my ENTJ husband has goals and a vision, he wouldn’t be him without them, lol,) But me being an INFJ, mine have been swallowed up in helping everyone else clarify and integrate theirs! Now it’s time for me to knuckle down and clarify my vision of what I want in my relationships, instead of waiting for time to become available in amongst everyone else’s busy schedules for me.
Thank you again…..I have some deep soul searching to do.
Melissa
I’m one of those few people who actually have a vision for the relationship and my kids (or goals, as I call them – I’m an ENTJ!). When we were having kids 15 years ago I bought just about every book I could find on the subject, and among them Stephen R. Covey’s 7 habits of Highly Effective Families. It was mainly just basic 7-habits stuff, so most of it was things I was already doing, but he talked about having a goal for your family life and talking about values with your partner. So I did, and it has made life so much easier! We have a vision for our life and a goal for what we want for our kids (good self-esteem, tools to deal with mental and physical health issues, good problem solving skills), and all the rest sort of fall into place when we have that overarching goal. We also take a whole other approach to for example sleepless nights than most people – since I have an end goal in sight, I feel as if the toddler years are going by so quickly and soon all our kids will have moved away from home anyway, so it’s nothing to get hung up on too much.
That military strategy that you talked about is also used in the corporate world. If everyone involved knows what the goal is and what the values are, then it’s much easier to work toward the same goal and improvise when needs arrive. (and it’s also very much basic ENTJ-thinking!)