Podcast - Episode 0269 - Does Ego Work Screw You Over?

12 comments

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  • Danielle
  • March 29, 2019 at 1:41 am

  You both brought up really great analogies in this episode!

  Anyway, I think a timeline for ego work would probably have to vary quite a bit. I’m not sure exactly how or when. People definitely should address healing work first, in my opinion. I’ve noticed that some people when they seem to take an ego hit will then turn it into, “I screwed up, this is more proof that I’m a terrible person.” It seems to me that those individuals have a source of inner pain they need to address before anything else.

  Sometimes I have found that even if you don’t mention when your ego has screwed up, admitting it to yourself is a good step. I think that’s a tool that needs practice for some more than others.

  I tend to ask myself questions when dealing with my ego. A big one for me is, “Is this worth my righteous indignation?” I find whenever I go down that path, things tend to go sour. I see it as an extension of questions I ask myself when I have an anxiety flare up: Is there anything I can do about it? Am I or anyone else in danger? Is this even worth getting upset over?

  Sometimes, I find what’s most challenging is just to let go and not shift into the point where my ego will flare up. Some things just aren’t worth it. A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about our childhoods. I mentioned that my childhood best friend lived in the same neighborhood, but she would always cry and be too scared to sleep over at my house. I found this weird back then, but then again, I never had a problem with sleepovers.

  My friend responds, “That’s because she had helicopter parents.” I almost laughed. First, I wasn’t asking for a diagnosis. Second, this friend has never met the family of my childhood best friend who I, on the other hand, have had years of experience with. I tell her that wasn’t it, and she responded, “Then what else could it be?” I just shrugged and dropped it. My gut feeling, which was really petty, was to snap at my friend that she didn’t know more about these people than I did so she should just accept what I said. But, that wouldn’t be worth it. So I shoved my need to prove myself as correct aside.

  Though, I also find I need to work on managing my ego hits better. I’ve occasionally not been able to stop apologizing after admitting that I’ve screwed up. I’ve also taken ego hits in the middle of my ego flaring up, which is an extremely weird feeling.

  An example happened a few months ago. I’m a student at a university in my home state. A family friend of ours runs a peer mentor group for students on the autism spectrum. I’ve done activities with this group several times and I have friends who are or have been involved.

  The beginning of this fall semester, I met Friend 1 and her Mentee (names omitted for my own peace of mind since I still did something questionable). So, one day the Mentee asks to sit with me and Friend 2 (and some other people, but they’re not important to the story) at lunch. This is, of course, fine with me.

  During lunch, Mentee demonstrates that he has a very morbid, sarcastic sense of humor without sounding like it. Let’s just say some things were said, that I (knowing he is on the autism spectrum) was able to detect came out wrong. But Friend 2, who is very sensitive and has a lot of healing work to do about around some things that were said, completely took it the wrong way. This happened again later.

  Friend 2 starts a group chat with those of us who had been involved in the encounters questioning how we should tell Mentee to stay away from us. I read this on the bus, and it’s all I can do to not panic. I know Friend 2 would be more understanding if he realized what was going on, but I just can’t tell someone’s diagnosis behind their back without their permission. This wasn’t information willingly shared with me either, since I happened to know it based on the circumstances.

  So, my thoughts go to Friend 1 and I figure I’ll ask her what to do since she knows this guy better. Unfortunately, Friend 1 is sick for about a week. In this time, Friend 2 is also trying to plan something with her (I’m not realizing they know each other, just that Friend 1’s name is the same as a friend Friend 2 mentioned).

  So, while waiting I just burst one day at dinner and tell Friend 2 everything I know. Even though I had been trying not to. I tried to convince myself what I was doing was okay sinceI trust Friend 2 with my life and .I knew this would help. But I almost couldn’t help taking the ego hit since I had been knowingly, on the spot acting out of alignment with my sense of integrity.

  It did turn out that it was a good thing I did what I did, even though I thought it was wrong, and I wouldn’t do that under normal circumstances. By the Friends 1 and 2 and myself actually get to meet up for dinner, Friend 1 has had the idea: “Friend 2 is really nice, so I’ll introduce him and Mentee so they can be friends.” Friend 2 later told me that if he hadn’t known what I said, he would’ve acted a lot more nervous and hostile and then felt horrible about it if he’d learned. So, I guess it was only negative for me who was trying not to show how I felt I was walking on pins and needles.

  Mentee has to leave early. And once he’s left the building, I basically take another ego hit and explain everything to Friend 1.

  Although Mentee has never found out about this and both of my friends thought what I did was questionable, but good-intentioned, I still felt like I had to take the ego hit. I knew that in another situation, the same action could have really ended up hurting someone. So, I felt like I had to make sure that I wasn’t going to set the pattern of my ego thinking this sort of behavior is permissible because I’m ultimately right and going after what I believe to be good (fostering acceptance).

  So, I suppose ego hits can be extremely varied. At least, I think that’s my point. Just for me, I’ve found ego work and how I approach it to be varied. I’ve gotten to the point at times where it’s rather easy to slip into it.

  I do agree that we live in a culture that actively discourages ego hits as weaknesses. But I think that’s all the more reason to do ego work anyway. After all, the people who are viewing it this way are probably not admitting when they mess up, which isn’t healthy. So, perhaps, lots people showing up with healthier ways of addressing the situation can be a positive influence towards fostering a healthier cultural climate (since current US culture is very toxic, in my opinion). Maybe I’m just being an idealist. Obviously, you can’t get rid of all the aggressive ego behavior. But I think working towards an abstract, impossible scenario can still help improve the world in a small way.

  Of course we’re not all going to be perfect. I’m not a characteristically aggressive person, and I have plenty of moments where I’m out of line and righteously indignant. I just find that, in reflection, those moments make me feel terrible. And I see that as a sign of growth (when I was younger, I was extremely righteously indignant to the point where it was messing up my ability to function normally and get along with people).

  Sorry for the long comment, I hope it made sense.

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  • Marie Garrido Zoeller
  • March 28, 2019 at 10:07 pm

  Thank you for this thought-provoking episode! The issues and concepts that you are grappling with are similar to a book I am reading, Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown and a book that I read almost 20 years ago when I first started teaching, The Courage to Teach, by Parker Palmer. Both deeply resonate with me and both discuss the role of ego and inform my response to the question in your title, Does Ego Work Screw You Over? I would say that the answer depends on your time horizon.

  No one triggers adult egos more quickly than middle schoolers. In my work as a middle school teacher and now a teacher trainer, I learned to keep the long view in mind. The willful teen who thinks your class isn’t important is often the same young man who comes to visit after graduation to tell you that he is a success because of you. The teacher in the corner with her arms crossed, wishing she was in her classroom instead of your training is often the same teacher who tells you that she will only attend trainings facilitated by you from now on.

  I now view the work I do as planting seeds, not being too attached to the results and knowing. Sometimes I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor, other times it feels like I am up against a brick wall. When I remember to lengthen my time horizon I trust in the process and sometimes get the wonderful surprise of a late bloomer who comes to thank me.

  Teaching teens and adults has supercharged my personal development (I don’t claim to have “arrived”, but I am far from where I once was). I am a different person from who I was before because every day through my work I have an opportunity to stay curious and respond in a way that builds relationships rather than react to defiance or apathy in a way that exacerbates them.