Podcast - Episode 0290 - Important Childhood Lessons For ExxPs and Ixx – Page 2

Kmarie
August 9, 2019 at 8:19 pm

This is an informative podcast, however, the “neighbour situation” seemed a bit of a judgement. Speaking as an INFJ married to an ENFP…all my neighbours know my husband’s name and they mostly chat with him, but they don’t know much about us, and honestly, I don’t know most of their names or if they know me (and it’s been more than 8 years:) I know they think I’m witchy and a little scary. They all hang out occasionally, we do not. It’s not because we are “protecting” ourselves but simply because we enjoy our privacy after years of being in a religious community where privacy was not an option. Others were constantly speaking into our lives, and as we are aging in our mid thirties we are finally free of that. Our world may be shrinking but in a good way- in a way that our home base is secure and involves soulful integration. Our home is literally named Anam Cara- our soul friend…and I don’t think it is a bad thing not to be overly friendly with our neighbours, because in the past, our previous neighbours felt that they could speak into our lives or watch our movements and give feedback, and we don’t want to invite that input into our sacred space. We are good to our neighbours as in we make sure we look out for their places when they are gone and ensure we respect their privacy like we would like ours respected. We are kind but we don’t need to be friends if it is not natural to be so. I don’t think that we are “insulting” ourselves from our world but maybe our neighbours would think that of us possibly? We have a wonderful time in our home reading, talking, listening to music, chatting with invited friends, on media…but our neighbours have no idea of what fun we have and whom I am. And frankly I have learned not to give it much thought. The ability to not connect to neighbours is a judgement… it does not equate to limiting life. We are not lonely or sad. We enjoy our sleep too but we also have fun. That example seemed like a juxtaposition to being brave and not caring what others think. I understand what you are trying to say about your neighbours, but maybe they have an enriching existence? Maybe they are very thankful for their neighbours who leave them alone? I know I am thankful even if my neighbours talk about me I am so thankful they are safe, good people who don’t require me to say a cheery hello to every time I walk into my home. That would be exhausting. But sometimes I try to say a cheery hello ( which shocks them) to speak their language too, but I am thankful they have let me speak mine and give me lots of space. Different is not less.:) It’s ok to have a private home base.

Recently my neighbour was shocked because she began working at the bank and saw that when I walked in everyone wants to talk to me. Many businesses love me because we have established a relationship due to the fact that I have to integrate them into my life. The look on her face when she realized I was loved, valued and friendly was one of shock…but I don’t think that is bad…I am not isolated or unloved nor am I not good to people or very friendly and validating when it is called for. But I don’t need to be that way with strangers or neighbours. It would take too much out of my very introverted self. Perhaps your neighbours feel the same way?

I was constantly taught to be brave and vulnerable as a child. I was friends with everyone and had to host strangers constantly. I was never alone because I had private school, then friends, then youth group, then bible study then church…it was a constant requirement to put myself out there…so I had the childhood advice you give, and yes it served me well in many ways, because I am very good at taking pain. Pain is easy for me. Enthusiasm is tougher. I honestly think the best thing to give an INFJ child is alone time. Freedom to be alone. Freedom to just BE. I was constantly pushed to get out of my comfort zone. My dad was an ENTP. I had to get pushed in the boat when I hated water because it was supposed to be a fun experience…it never was. So yea, I do honour that more in my children while still pushing them to imbue their souls with self knowledge and calm.

I do however agree with your IJ horror story analogy…in the fact that INFJs ARE worried about malevolent forces, but I would argue that IJ’s are extremely resilient, as well as used to darkness, thus we see darkness more …My parents were NOT nurturing in many ways. I was constantly pushed out of my comfort zone and not able to be at home much, now in my adulthood I find it beautiful that I can create a private, nurturing environment that does not involve tons of stranger input like my childhood. And I don’t think that is avoidance but a willingness to look at the discomfort of my life before and choose the hardships with the good but a beautiful, secure home base to do this from.

I do agree that boundaries are my life long lesson and will always be…I have to constantly hone in that skill and re balance it. Walls may not work but teaching an INFJ child to have a secure, home base is integral…also their soul base. THEN to add the elements of truths inside boundaries is definitely important (which was what you encouraged.) I think IJ’s truly need to learn how to create a safe place to go in and out of the world from. Then they can learn how to interact. I am never lonely. I love my alone time. And I adore the people in my life but don’t feel I need a lot more. I appreciated what you said about showing up strong…that is what I do for my neighbours to leave me alone. Not because I can’t connect but because I savour the freedom to be me, to be a safe and kind person WITHOUT having to be friends.:)

Thank you for your insight and time that you give. This is a lovely use of space in the world and giving your energy in this regard, is such a life giving beauty. Thank you.

8 comments

- Jul 29, 2019
- by Personality Hacker
Podcast - Episode 0289 - Personality Type Envy (The Grass Is Always Greener)
- Aug 12, 2019
- by Personality Hacker
Podcast - Episode 0291 - Important Childhood Lessons For IxxPs and ExxJs

- Kmarie
- August 9, 2019 at 8:19 pm
This is an informative podcast, however, the “neighbour situation” seemed a bit of a judgement. Speaking as an INFJ married to an ENFP…all my neighbours know my husband’s name and they mostly chat with him, but they don’t know much about us, and honestly, I don’t know most of their names or if they know me (and it’s been more than 8 years:) I know they think I’m witchy and a little scary. They all hang out occasionally, we do not. It’s not because we are “protecting” ourselves but simply because we enjoy our privacy after years of being in a religious community where privacy was not an option. Others were constantly speaking into our lives, and as we are aging in our mid thirties we are finally free of that. Our world may be shrinking but in a good way- in a way that our home base is secure and involves soulful integration. Our home is literally named Anam Cara- our soul friend…and I don’t think it is a bad thing not to be overly friendly with our neighbours, because in the past, our previous neighbours felt that they could speak into our lives or watch our movements and give feedback, and we don’t want to invite that input into our sacred space. We are good to our neighbours as in we make sure we look out for their places when they are gone and ensure we respect their privacy like we would like ours respected. We are kind but we don’t need to be friends if it is not natural to be so. I don’t think that we are “insulting” ourselves from our world but maybe our neighbours would think that of us possibly? We have a wonderful time in our home reading, talking, listening to music, chatting with invited friends, on media…but our neighbours have no idea of what fun we have and whom I am. And frankly I have learned not to give it much thought. The ability to not connect to neighbours is a judgement… it does not equate to limiting life. We are not lonely or sad. We enjoy our sleep too but we also have fun. That example seemed like a juxtaposition to being brave and not caring what others think. I understand what you are trying to say about your neighbours, but maybe they have an enriching existence? Maybe they are very thankful for their neighbours who leave them alone? I know I am thankful even if my neighbours talk about me I am so thankful they are safe, good people who don’t require me to say a cheery hello to every time I walk into my home. That would be exhausting. But sometimes I try to say a cheery hello ( which shocks them) to speak their language too, but I am thankful they have let me speak mine and give me lots of space. Different is not less.:) It’s ok to have a private home base.

Recently my neighbour was shocked because she began working at the bank and saw that when I walked in everyone wants to talk to me. Many businesses love me because we have established a relationship due to the fact that I have to integrate them into my life. The look on her face when she realized I was loved, valued and friendly was one of shock…but I don’t think that is bad…I am not isolated or unloved nor am I not good to people or very friendly and validating when it is called for. But I don’t need to be that way with strangers or neighbours. It would take too much out of my very introverted self. Perhaps your neighbours feel the same way?

I was constantly taught to be brave and vulnerable as a child. I was friends with everyone and had to host strangers constantly. I was never alone because I had private school, then friends, then youth group, then bible study then church…it was a constant requirement to put myself out there…so I had the childhood advice you give, and yes it served me well in many ways, because I am very good at taking pain. Pain is easy for me. Enthusiasm is tougher. I honestly think the best thing to give an INFJ child is alone time. Freedom to be alone. Freedom to just BE. I was constantly pushed to get out of my comfort zone. My dad was an ENTP. I had to get pushed in the boat when I hated water because it was supposed to be a fun experience…it never was. So yea, I do honour that more in my children while still pushing them to imbue their souls with self knowledge and calm.

I do however agree with your IJ horror story analogy…in the fact that INFJs ARE worried about malevolent forces, but I would argue that IJ’s are extremely resilient, as well as used to darkness, thus we see darkness more …My parents were NOT nurturing in many ways. I was constantly pushed out of my comfort zone and not able to be at home much, now in my adulthood I find it beautiful that I can create a private, nurturing environment that does not involve tons of stranger input like my childhood. And I don’t think that is avoidance but a willingness to look at the discomfort of my life before and choose the hardships with the good but a beautiful, secure home base to do this from.

I do agree that boundaries are my life long lesson and will always be…I have to constantly hone in that skill and re balance it. Walls may not work but teaching an INFJ child to have a secure, home base is integral…also their soul base. THEN to add the elements of truths inside boundaries is definitely important (which was what you encouraged.) I think IJ’s truly need to learn how to create a safe place to go in and out of the world from. Then they can learn how to interact. I am never lonely. I love my alone time. And I adore the people in my life but don’t feel I need a lot more. I appreciated what you said about showing up strong…that is what I do for my neighbours to leave me alone. Not because I can’t connect but because I savour the freedom to be me, to be a safe and kind person WITHOUT having to be friends.:)

Thank you for your insight and time that you give. This is a lovely use of space in the world and giving your energy in this regard, is such a life giving beauty. Thank you.
- Michael
- August 9, 2019 at 6:54 pm
Wow. For nine months, I have never left a comment, but the quote Joel mentioned really struck a chord in a deeply positive way; “It’s none of my business what other people think about me.” I really appreciate this incredible reframe for dealing with the perceptions of others and the image I cast.

This podcast really resonated with me because not only am I an ISTJ, but I have an ISTJ mother (as well as an ESTJ father). While I am not sure how an ExxJ would factor into the dynamic, it seemed like my ESTJ father balanced my ISTJ mother’s proclivity for protection. I can recall several situations where my father pushed me to be brave and take action while my mother would handle unfamiliar (and, thus, intimidating) situations. Regardless of whether they create a balance, I think they both helped me develop a healthy relationship with bravery (and, possibly, boundaries).

I really like the advice given to IxxJs in this episodes, and I agree that the FIRM model is fascinating. In my experience, every fixation has been absolutely spot on. Thank you so much for your insight, and I look forward to Part 2! :)
- Luke
- August 7, 2019 at 5:56 pm
I have to confess … this podcast hit home. I don’t think I’ve ever had a podcast resonate so deeply on an emotional level ?, and it was amazing the feeling I got from the INFJ Type Advice podcast. The FIRM model fascinates me! I felt vulnerable listening to the entire second half of the podcast as I reminisced my childhood. My family never understood why I feared new situations so much. I really wish I had this information given to me in my own language as a small child. How amazing would that have been!? It wasn’t until I hit adulthood that I learned about how to put myself out there more. I think y’all are spot on about IJs needing to do things that scare them. I feel like I constantly face that challenge every day, and it is helpful to have a resource help me visualize my development. Thank you so much PH from the bottom of my heart! ❤️

P.S As a therapist, I frequently give PH as a resource for my clients’ own development. I’ve seen how impactful this material can be!