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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk with Profiler Training alumni, Kyle Friesen about his lived experience as an ENFP personality type.


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  • Kyle Friesen
    • Kyle Friesen
    • March 13, 2022 at 2:12 pm

    I’m glad you joined the conversation, Lillibet! :)

    I hear you on leaving a legacy – it’s something that’s come up with another ENFP I just profiled last week. We have this great desire to leave a legacy, and it’s both terrifying and insecure but also completely fulfilling and wonderful in the moments where we feel like we’re doing a good job in making a lasting impact.

    It’s so awesome to hear that you have space for your Driver in your life, and that the Baby isn’t driving the car anymore! ;) I didn’t talk about music a whole lot in the interview, but improvisation is life to me. My performances (or my attitude towards performance) changed for the better when my college piano teacher explained how “in performance, there are no wrong notes – once a note is played, it is now meant to be, and you can choose to integrate it and make it beautiful or let it ruin the rest of your performance.”

    Of course, this is in the context of having worked hard in practice to stop and correct things when learning a piece – which had been incredibly hard for me in my early piano years – so it was neat to see how it came full circle. After typing this, I wonder if this resonates with the way you’ve described your growth path? I think we won’t waste those times where we have pushed into our Si-Te, and it can be a solid base, but when we can come back to our Ne-Fi, it is incredibly rewarding! (And I’ve been getting back to my instruments lately, too – lots of piano, some folk harp, a tiny bit of viola, and learned guitar a few months ago, and if I ever stop singing it’s TERRIBLE for my mental health).

    Oh, and jumping between topics is just fine! :D

  • Brock
    • Brock
    • March 9, 2022 at 1:45 am

    Indeed. Baby Si is like a vault of details locked deep within the mind and everyone else but me has the keys. Once unlocked little bits of information spill out. Your experience is an example. I had forgotten meeting you as well until you unlocked that memory with the date and location of the event then your story. Then it all flooded back but only the fact it happened. I cannot remember the details or content other than little blips. Yeah, like little gifs.

  • Kyle Friesen
    • Kyle Friesen
    • March 8, 2022 at 9:25 pm

    Thanks, Ilse! (And don’t worry, this is definitely a community where it’s totally acceptable to have long, wandering messages) ;) I’m glad you’ve found a place to belong in fashion/marketing – sounds like a nice fit for you.

    I love “The Secret Garden” too; I had asthma as a kid, and I think just living anyway, going into the sunshine, helped a lot. With chronic Lyme the trick was that this strategy didn’t just work as well – if I overdid things, I would be bedridden for days. I discovered my optimism had a limit, but I still think it served me well and I never gave up looking for ways to live (I remember spending one winter as an editor for a Kickstarter project from the comfort of my recliner – I couldn’t exercise my body, but I could still exercise my mind).

    The Te/Fi balance is just plain hard. I should clarify – one of my masks in high school was being a “know-it-all” and I was “always right”, but I almost never studied as a way of saying, “I’m too cool to care about grades”, which was only partially true. I wanted to show that I wasn’t a nerd to avoid getting mocked, but in hindsight it seems quite ridiculous because I was getting good marks anyway – it was partially a way of giving my ego an “out” – the top student studied super hard, so I could say, “If I cared, I could beat her” – I was quite insecure in a very complex way.

    But you’re right – there is an element of hiding my true self through it, and I definitely continue to hold back my Ne most of the time in public. Partly because it’s polite and it’s not effective to tornado people with ideas. But the tough part is that my Fi becomes more real if I can express it, and the emotional aspects in particular are hard – as you say, female ENFP’s may experience it slightly differently, and our local subcultures matter, but I get a weird vibe that Fi is awesome, as long as it’s acceptable/fits into the group’s values completely. Not everywhere, but on a higher level of society (which is why I tend to stay off social media).

    Regarding “slowing down” your Ne, I wonder if one small piece of this is that you are much more than just your Driver function. So “choosing me” means telling your Driver that there are 4 functions in the car (along with the Shadow and then all the parts of you beyond cognitive functions) – the holistic You may not be as fast as “pure Ne” (if that were possible), but it is richer.

    Another piece/angle (that may or may not connect to what you’re asking) is that I’ve found that writing down my Ne thoughts as I have them (let’s say I’m listening to someone else, or in a group setting and can’t blurt out my ideas) is very valuable, and keeps me from losing the insights. Sometimes I can’t keep up with it (I’ve developed my touch typing skills), but it helps reduce that worry that I’ll forget a brilliant idea when a 2nd, 3rd and 4th connection pops into my head as someone else is talking.

    The 3rd angle, specifically directed at your last question, I think that “selfish” is tricky – it can seem overwhelmingly complicated. Ask yourself “who is determining what is selfish?” – and whether that entity is being selfish in their mandates. “Am I outsourcing my values?” is another good question.

    One major decision in my life was when I was presented an opportunity to go to a clinic in LA that treated the immune system (not just Lyme Disease). It was VERY expensive. But my brilliant wife turned to me and said, “I need you to get better. Your kids need you to get better. You aren’t just spending this money on you, it’s for your family, and if you’re not healthy it hurts all of us. Your self-sacrifice doesn’t help us.” After crying my eyes out (like a major ego release moment), I signed up – and it happened to coincide with Personality Hacker’s live event in LA, which I attended the week after my treatment was done, and I’d say it was one of the most important, pivotal decisions in my life.

    ^PS – this is one way that I journal – by writing to other people. It feels more functional, and I still get to process my values and understand myself better through expression! And then I get the bonus of others interacting and sometimes helping me clarify or calibrate my Ne/Fi expression. :)

  • Kyle Friesen
    • Kyle Friesen
    • March 5, 2022 at 4:43 am

    Great to hear from you, Brock! The live events are SO valuable, and I cherish those memories (I just wish my baby Si wouldn’t turn them into gifs…).

    Yeah, I think most of the time accessing my 4th function through the 2nd is quite healthy, but I have experienced major stress that made my toddler take charge. Then I was deep in some Fi emotion but with a toddler driving the car – not a good place to be! I could talk about this stuff for days… (I guess at the live events, I have literally done that…)

  • Lillibet
    • Lillibet
    • March 8, 2022 at 4:51 pm

    I REALLY REALLY REALLY enjoyed listening to this, thank you so much K, J and A!!!! (that should make it pretty clear that I’m also an ENFP).

    I am 35yo mommy of 2, married to a borderline ENFP and I hail from a family of female sensors, my dad and brother was/is ENTJ and INTJ.

    I have a very close relationship with my mom (ISTJ) and eldest sister (also ISTJ) and have learnt over the years to conversationally meet them where they’re at. My other sis is an ISFJ, and we struggle a bit more to connect.

    2021 was a year of a deep level of trauma for me and I have matured in new ways I didn’t know was possible.
    Since I emerged from the ashes beginning of this year – full of ambition and personal healing – I have been overwhelmed by my Driver and Autopilot. The creativity doesn’t stop, the possibilities are endless, and I’m back in create mode.

    The past few years I have been in ’let’s get income driven mode’ – i.e. teaching music from home, studying Psych etc.

    After last year’s terrible realisation that I can not control my loved one’s decisions, I have decided to refocus my energy on my personal decisions …. meaningful things I can actually control, like you mentioned, Kyle, leaving a legacy etc.

    My sole focus on getting income has shifted to really better myself as a teacher, collaborating with other experts and developing new ideas and things. And suddenly, for the time in years, I am forgetful, inspired to the point of exhaustion and almost feel like a new person – with a multitude of new dreams running simultaneously.

    My Introverted sensing is freaking out a bit. But I don’t care. It’s just really good to have my Driver back. And even that overarching fear of rejection tied to my Introverted feeling. I’ve always been particularly at ease with planning up to a certain point and leaving out 20% for improvisation. It’s not a matter of not being fully prepared, but really to understand that complete preparation might stop the real the magic from happening. Being a musician (more of a composer and improviser than a performer) is such great way to illustrate this.

    I spend several hours behind an instrument now compared to a year ago – and I’m pretty convinced that this has also really helped me to access my Introverted feeling etc. Maybe this ties in with the new field your wife is working in.

    Sorry for jumping between topics, but listening to the podcast really made me feel so at home, like sitting on the couch having coffee with the 3 of you, and I just wanted to chat along as well :)

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