partner walking out on them mid-argument—they will feel betrayed. Instead, you have to agree in advance to use this process the next time you fight, and then someone has to invoke it when the time comes. Emphasize that you’re excusing yourself so you can have a chance to think and that you want to cool down and approach the issue from a better place.
As a whole, an INFJ/INTJ relationship is extremely fulfilling, and it tends to be a smooth one. Are you an INFJ or INTJ who has dated the other type? Are you in a relationship with one right now? What do you feel pulls you two together—and what are the biggest stumbling blocks?
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I’m an INTJ personality type. And, for most of my life, I felt like it was very hard to find a partner who really “got” me. That changed when I started dating an INFJ—someone who is like me in so, so many ways, yet as different as the sun and the moon in others. The relationship we’ve built together may not always be what people might call an “explosive” love, but it’s one of the happiest and most fulfilling I’ve ever had.
It turns out we’re not the only ones. While INFJs and INTJs can butt heads around our Thinking/Feeling divide, in many ways, we are drawn to each other. As a result, this pairing is a common one (as common as any pairing can be for such rare personality types). If you know an INFJ/INTJ couple, expect them to be together for a while—there is a good chance that wedding invitations are in the future.
What Makes INFJs and INTJs A Perfect Match?
Both INFJs and INTJs have Introverted iNtuition or “Perspectives” as their dominant mental process, which makes them brilliant, but also makes them quirky outliers who often don’t fit in. As a result, when an INFJ and INTJ meet they can easily feel like it’s the first time anyone has truly understood them.
Having a dominant Perspectives function in common also lets INFJs and INTJs dive deep into each other’s experiences. This mental process, which I liken to metacognition, is what allows human beings to step back and take a bird’s-eye view of the world, including how other people think. When Perspectives-dominant people are together, they find it easy to see past each other’s differences and identify underlying similarities. This is part of what makes these two types form such deep bonds, and why INFJ/INTJ relationships feels so smooth.
Other things that make this a great pairing include:
- The conversations never get old. Anyone who’s had a long relationship knows that, over time, you can run out of topics to talk about. But INFJs and INTJs always seem to have fuel for great conversation. Yes, things do quiet down after a few months—we’ve already heard each other’s funniest stories, after all. But with our shared love of learning, and the joy we take in connecting different ideas, conversation remains intellectual and riveting long-term.
- You can be quiet together. The introvert couple that stfu’s together stays together. It’s impossible to overstate how gratifying it is to spend time with my partner, doing separate things in complete silence. It could be reading, writing, or simply perusing our devices side-by-side; we’re both totally happy with quiet time. (The INFJ is more prone to breaking the silence with an amusing observation, while the INTJ will produce less frequent but far longer rants about something they just read.)
- These two types back each other up. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s hard to understand how meaningful it is to have a partner who supports your life goals. This may be especially true for INTJs and INFJs, who both tend to have big ambitions but occasional problems with implementation. Thankfully, the problems tend to be complementary: I can help my INFJ plan her work and troubleshoot problems, while she helps me take the social pulse of a situation and gauge whether a project will even find an audience.
Finally, as Introverts and Judgers, both the INTJ and the INFJ tend to have a reserved, “normal” exterior covering up a whole lot of iNtuitive weirdness underneath. Together, we get to let our quirky sides out and indulge our flights of fancy—without giving up our generally organized lives.
The Differences Every INTJ/INFJ Couple Must Navigate
All of the above may sound made in heaven, but every couple has their differences. While each INFJ/INTJ couple is unique, here are some of the differences I see come up most often:
INFJs care about people. INTJs care about knowledge.
About 60% of the arguments an INTJ/INFJ couple have boil down to one thing: the INTJ talking in blunt terms about ideas they think could be factually correct while the INFJ struggles with how those ideas impact them (or others they care about). INFJs tend to see the personal side of any topic and don’t enjoy discussions that ignore this side. INTJs, on the other hand, enjoy discussing the merits of the idea itself, in abstract terms, and treat the personal impact as a footnote. This can come off as deeply insulting, without the INTJ realizing why.
If you have been in an INFJ/INTJ relationship, you can probably think of many examples of discussions where this happened. They may have become heated—even though both people were “right” in some sense. INTJs take note: the Thinker/Feeler divide has nothing to do with how intelligent either person is, but it is a dramatic difference in worldview. It may be the single biggest source of conflict in any Thinker/Feeler relationship.
INFJs lift people up. INTJs criticize.
In general, INTJs can come across as overly negative, picking apart the inefficiencies or shortcomings of any situation, and this can exhaust an INFJ. Meanwhile, INFJs tend to put out a lot of reassuring, supportive words to those they love, and these words can seem insincere or meaningless to an INTJ—who would much rather get results than a pat on the head.
INTJs can see the future. But INFJs see the present, too.
INTJs primarily use Perspectives to forecast how a system will work, predicting problems before they arise and building elegant solutions long before they’re needed. We live almost entirely in the future. INFJs, on the other hand, key in on a deep level to the people around them, reading what’s going on behind the scenes right now. An INFJ learns early in life to trust his or her gut feeling about someone they meet, while an INTJ views hunches with suspicion (often to their detriment).
INTJs plan everything. INFJs learn by doing.
As an INTJ, it seems obvious to me that the “best” way to achieve any goal is to plan out the steps to reach it; the only potential downside is dragging your feet too long in the planning stage. But with my INFJ, I’ve witnessed an amazing alternative approach: rather than studying, learning and planning before acting, she simply looks for people who are already succeeding and copies what they do. This “learn by imitation” strategy means she can start a new project with nothing more than a vague plan, and—if she has good role models to look at—vastly outpace me at bringing it to fruition.
INTJs prize efficiency. INFJs prize comfort.
While an INFJ and INTJ’s personalities are similar, the minutiae of how we live our lives are almost completely different. When I leave the apartment, for example, I make sure the key is in my hand before I get to the door; my INFJ waits till she’s there and then looks for it in her purse. In the car, I give most of my attention to driving efficiently—for example, switching lanes ahead of time to go around someone who’s making a left turn. My INFJ takes no particular steps to get to where she’s going faster. Instead, her attention is on the conversation, music, or something else enjoyable. In almost everything in life, she will choose comfort or ease of convenience over pure efficiency, and I will choose the opposite.
What happens when INTJ/INFJ couples fight?
Because of their dominant Perspectives function, INTJ/INFJ couples actually have the power to prevent small peeves from turning into big fights, especially if they are a little older and have learned the power of compromise. But no couple is perfect, and fights happen. What’s fascinating about this pairing is how they happen—and how they can be salvaged.
In general, whether a disagreement turns into a fight depends on which mental processes the couple uses to address it. For both the INFJ and the INTJ, the Copilot process is the ideal decision maker. For INFJs that means Extraverted Feeling (“Harmony“), and for INTJs it’s Extraverted Thinking (“Effectiveness“).
Here are the complete car models of both types:
When a disagreement comes up, and both partners use their Copilot functions, they’re likely to defray it with no major argument. The INTJ, for example, might think, “If I just give in on this, our plans for tonight won’t get derailed,” leading them to compromise—a perfect use of Effectiveness. The INFJ might think, “Arguing about this will be disruptive and cause me stress, and I don’t want that,” and make a similar small sacrifice. The result: no fight.
But sometimes one or both partners won’t stay in Copilot mode. This could be for several reasons:
- They had to make too many small compromises already, and decide to dig in their heels.
- They’re stressed or defensive because of something else—a bad day at work, for example, or following a difficult diet.
- The issue that comes up is so big and stressful that one partner (or both) automatically go into defensive mode.
When this happens, the INTJ/INFJ couple will fall into their 10-year-old mental processes. An INTJs 10-year-old is Introverted Feeling (“Authenticity“), which involves getting indignant and feeling violated. An INFJs 10-year-old is Introverted Thinking (“Accuracy“), which involves second guessing the truthfulness of every statement.
In other words:
During a fight, the INTJ becomes the Feeler, and the INFJ becomes the Thinker. And they are both incompetent at these roles.
The INTJ will start to rant about the unfairness of the situation. They may construct elaborate metaphors or hypotheticals trying to make their feelings understood. They could try to turn the tables and argue that they are the victim in the situation, even if they were actually the one who caused the initial slight. They will cast blame on their partner.
The INFJ will start to demand answers to impossible questions: Why did you say this and not that? They may revisit the timeline of who said what and who said it first. They can dig into a vast repository of past slights, quoting something their partner said years ago as proof that the partner is lying or wrong. Rather than just arguing about the current situation, they will question their partner’s intentions in the relationship itself.
How to Resolve an INTJ/INFJ Fight
There is a way out of these fights, but it’s hard to implement in the heat of the moment. It involves physically separating. This wouldn’t be a good idea for every couple, but INFJs and INTJs are both Judgers and they both need resolution in the fight—a noble instinct that, unfortunately, leads them to keep arguing until someone gets hurt.
If they can force themselves to physically separate, however, it’s impossible to keep arguing the point. Instead, they have to go over it again and again in their own heads, alone. This is the ideal circumstance for their dominant Perspectives function to take over. Perspectives is a slow, contemplative mental process that’s excellent at analyzing things. If the INFJ and INTJ can just be alone for a while, they will essentially meditate on what happened and see the other person’s point of view.
I call this approach “kicking it upstairs,” because it returns you to your Driver process. Getting out of the 10-year-old mindset is incredibly hard in the heat of the moment because you’re defending against each new statement from your partner. Once you’re alone, however (and your phone is silenced), you have no new stimuli. It’s much easier to get into the reflective mode of Perspectives because it’s the only source of new revelations about the conflict.
Only after this “cooldown” period will the INFJ or INTJ return to their Copilot process. It’s after an hour apart that I can say to myself, “The health of our relationship is a lot more important to me than winning on this issue. The effective thing to do is to compromise.” I find that my INFJ is much more caring afterward, too.
The one catch with this approach is that you can’t use it as a weapon. Neither an INFJ nor INTJ will react well to their
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The Myers-Briggs® system consists of four preference pairs that reflect different aspects of personality—opposite ways to direct and receive energy through Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I), take in information with Sensing (S) or Intuition (N), come to conclusions using Thinking (T) or Feeling (F), and approach the outside world through Judging (J) or Perceiving (P). Most people find that one preference, in a preference pair, best describes their natural way of doing things, where they feel the most comfortable being themselves, outside of any roles they play in life. When the letters for each of these preferences are combined, 16 distinct personality types form which consist of different characteristics unique to that type. What is your type?
ISTJ
Quiet, serious, earn success by being thorough and dependable. Practical, matter-of-fact, realistic, and responsible. Decide logically what should be done and work toward it steadily, regardless of distractions. Take pleasure in making everything orderly and organized—their work, their home, their life. Value traditions and loyalty.
ISFJ
Quiet, friendly, responsible, and conscientious. Committed and steady in meeting their obligations. Thorough, painstaking, and accurate. Loyal, considerate, notice and remember specifics about people who are important to them, concerned with how others feel. Strive to create an orderly and harmonious environment at work and at home.
INFJ
Seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions. Want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others. Conscientious and committed to their firm values. Develop a clear vision about how best to serve the common good. Organized and decisive in implementing their vision.
INTJ
Have original minds and great drive for implementing their ideas and achieving their goals. Quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-range explanatory perspectives. When committed, organize a job and carry it through. Skeptical and independent, have high standards of competence and performance—for themselves and others.
ISTP
Tolerant and flexible, quiet observers until a problem appears, then act quickly to find workable solutions. Analyze what makes things work and readily get through large amounts of data to isolate the core of practical problems. Interested in cause and effect, organize facts using logical principles, value efficiency.
ISFP
Quiet, friendly, sensitive, and kind. Enjoy the present moment, what’s going on around them. Like to have their own space and to work within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their values and to people who are important to them. Dislike disagreements and conflicts; don’t force their opinions or values on others.
INFP
Idealistic, loyal to their values and to people who are important to them. Want to live a life that is congruent with their values. Curious, quick to see possibilities, can be catalysts for implementing ideas. Seek to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. Adaptable, flexible, and accepting unless a value is threatened.
INTP
Seek to develop logical explanations for everything that interests them. Theoretical and abstract, interested more in ideas than in social interaction. Quiet, contained, flexible, and adaptable. Have unusual ability to focus in depth to solve problems in their area of interest. Skeptical, sometimes critical, always analytical.
ESTP
Flexible and tolerant, take a pragmatic approach focused on immediate results. Bored by theories and conceptual explanations; want to act energetically to solve the problem. Focus on the here and now, spontaneous, enjoy each moment they can be active with others. Enjoy material comforts and style. Learn best through doing.
ESFP
Outgoing, friendly, and accepting. Exuberant lovers of life, people, and material comforts. Enjoy working with others to make things happen. Bring common sense and a realistic approach to their work and make work fun. Flexible and spontaneous, adapt readily to new people and environments. Learn best by trying a new skill with other people.
ENFP
Warmly enthusiastic and imaginative. See life as full of possibilities. Make connections between events and information very quickly, and confidently proceed based on the patterns they see. Want a lot of affirmation from others, and readily give appreciation and support. Spontaneous and flexible, often rely on their ability to improvise and their verbal fluency.
ENTP
Quick, ingenious, stimulating, alert, and outspoken. Resourceful in solving new and challenging problems. Adept at generating conceptual possibilities and then analyzing them strategically. Good at reading other people. Bored by routine, will seldom do the same thing the same way, apt to turn to one new interest after another.
ESTJ
Practical, realistic, matter-of-fact. Decisive, quickly move to implement decisions. Organize projects and people to get things done, focus on getting results in the most efficient way possible. Take care of routine details. Have a clear set of logical standards, systematically follow them and want others to also. Forceful in implementing their plans.
ESFJ
Warmhearted, conscientious, and cooperative. Want harmony in their environment, work with determination to establish it. Like to work with others to complete tasks accurately and on time. Loyal, follow through even in small matters. Notice what others need in their day-to-day lives and try to provide it. Want to be appreciated for who they are and for what they contribute.
ENFJ
Warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. Highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. Find potential in everyone, want to help others fulfill their potential. May act as catalysts for individual and group growth. Loyal, responsive to praise and criticism. Sociable, facilitate others in a group, and provide inspiring leadership.
ENTJ
Frank, decisive, assume leadership readily. Quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organizational problems. Enjoy long-term planning and goal setting. Usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding their knowledge and passing it on to others. Forceful in presenting their ideas.
https://mbtitest.tilda.ws/
The Myers-Briggs® system consists of four preference pairs that reflect different aspects of personality—opposite ways to direct and receive energy through Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I), take in information with Sensing (S) or Intuition (N), come to conclusions using Thinking (T) or Feeling (F), and approach the outside world through Judging (J) or Perceiving (P). Most people find that one preference, in a preference pair, best describes their natural way of doing things, where they feel the most comfortable being themselves, outside of any roles they play in life. When the letters for each of these preferences are combined, 16 distinct personality types form which consist of different characteristics unique to that type. What is your type?
ISTJ
Quiet, serious, earn success by being thorough and dependable. Practical, matter-of-fact, realistic, and responsible. Decide logically what should be done and work toward it steadily, regardless of distractions. Take pleasure in making everything orderly and organized—their work, their home, their life. Value traditions and loyalty.
ISFJ
Quiet, friendly, responsible, and conscientious. Committed and steady in meeting their obligations. Thorough, painstaking, and accurate. Loyal, considerate, notice and remember specifics about people who are important to them, concerned with how others feel. Strive to create an orderly and harmonious environment at work and at home.
INFJ
Seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions. Want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others. Conscientious and committed to their firm values. Develop a clear vision about how best to serve the common good. Organized and decisive in implementing their vision.
INTJ
Have original minds and great drive for implementing their ideas and achieving their goals. Quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-range explanatory perspectives. When committed, organize a job and carry it through. Skeptical and independent, have high standards of competence and performance—for themselves and others.
ISTP
Tolerant and flexible, quiet observers until a problem appears, then act quickly to find workable solutions. Analyze what makes things work and readily get through large amounts of data to isolate the core of practical problems. Interested in cause and effect, organize facts using logical principles, value efficiency.
ISFP
Quiet, friendly, sensitive, and kind. Enjoy the present moment, what’s going on around them. Like to have their own space and to work within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their values and to people who are important to them. Dislike disagreements and conflicts; don’t force their opinions or values on others.
INFP
Idealistic, loyal to their values and to people who are important to them. Want to live a life that is congruent with their values. Curious, quick to see possibilities, can be catalysts for implementing ideas. Seek to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. Adaptable, flexible, and accepting unless a value is threatened.
INTP
Seek to develop logical explanations for everything that interests them. Theoretical and abstract, interested more in ideas than in social interaction. Quiet, contained, flexible, and adaptable. Have unusual ability to focus in depth to solve problems in their area of interest. Skeptical, sometimes critical, always analytical.
ESTP
Flexible and tolerant, take a pragmatic approach focused on immediate results. Bored by theories and conceptual explanations; want to act energetically to solve the problem. Focus on the here and now, spontaneous, enjoy each moment they can be active with others. Enjoy material comforts and style. Learn best through doing.
ESFP
Outgoing, friendly, and accepting. Exuberant lovers of life, people, and material comforts. Enjoy working with others to make things happen. Bring common sense and a realistic approach to their work and make work fun. Flexible and spontaneous, adapt readily to new people and environments. Learn best by trying a new skill with other people.
ENFP
Warmly enthusiastic and imaginative. See life as full of possibilities. Make connections between events and information very quickly, and confidently proceed based on the patterns they see. Want a lot of affirmation from others, and readily give appreciation and support. Spontaneous and flexible, often rely on their ability to improvise and their verbal fluency.
ENTP
Quick, ingenious, stimulating, alert, and outspoken. Resourceful in solving new and challenging problems. Adept at generating conceptual possibilities and then analyzing them strategically. Good at reading other people. Bored by routine, will seldom do the same thing the same way, apt to turn to one new interest after another.
ESTJ
Practical, realistic, matter-of-fact. Decisive, quickly move to implement decisions. Organize projects and people to get things done, focus on getting results in the most efficient way possible. Take care of routine details. Have a clear set of logical standards, systematically follow them and want others to also. Forceful in implementing their plans.
ESFJ
Warmhearted, conscientious, and cooperative. Want harmony in their environment, work with determination to establish it. Like to work with others to complete tasks accurately and on time. Loyal, follow through even in small matters. Notice what others need in their day-to-day lives and try to provide it. Want to be appreciated for who they are and for what they contribute.
ENFJ
Warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. Highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. Find potential in everyone, want to help others fulfill their potential. May act as catalysts for individual and group growth. Loyal, responsive to praise and criticism. Sociable, facilitate others in a group, and provide inspiring leadership.
ENTJ
Frank, decisive, assume leadership readily. Quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organizational problems. Enjoy long-term planning and goal setting. Usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding their knowledge and passing it on to others. Forceful in presenting their ideas.
https://mbtitest.tilda.ws/
LDR couple – Me: INFJ female 30’s. Boyfriend: INTJ male 40’s. Together 3 years.
This article helped me connect in the argument section. Never had arguments until recently. But EVERY argument: 1). Lasts for HOURS. 2). He states himself as the VICTIM. 3). I end things by apologizing (even if I didnt start it or did anything wrong) 4). Causing him to get more upset as this is “patronizing”. 5). Thus running around in circles. 6). He points out that he feels “attacked” but if I point out the same thing he denies it & says hes only stating “facts” & if I feel attacked by his statements then thats my problem & has nothing to do with him. (Even though to me it is the same). As an INFJ I can see multiple sides/views easily, but have trouble expressing my own views & struggle with fights as I value peace & comfort.
ANY TIPS FOR CONFLICT?
This article made me so happy to read! The good things are already true in my relationship (I’m an INFJ, and my boyfriend is an INTJ) and as for the problems, when they occur I know we’ll be able to get through them. We haven’t been together more than a couple of months yet, so this sounds extremely stupid I realize—but if I don’t marry this man I’ll be devastated. I’ve been in love with an INFP before, and while that was a wonderful fluttery relationship, it doesn’t compare to this feeling of.. hm. It’s like I’ve never felt more like myself before. I’m so comfortable and happy that it freaks me out (a fact which I bring up way too much). Where it matters, our values are completely aligned. Our consideration for the future and all that comes with it, our constant desire for growth in everything we do, and because we have the same insecurities we boost each other up. He more than makes up for not wearing his heart on his sleeve by telling me all of the things he thinks about me, and he’s also shows such genuine interest in the obscure philosophical things I talk about that it’s the first relationship I don’t constantly apologize in for possibly being boring. I love this guy so much. He makes me feel so secure.
I’m 34 and been with my intj wife for 16 years. This article is great especially because i thought i was an ENFJ for so long coming from a heavily extraverted family. She’s always saw my true self and helped me in sorting out the toxicity in my life that was causing all the stress. i have so many things I wanted to write just now but in all honesty this article is just awesome and more importantly accurate, learning to keep our privacy private is key and a lot of people have a hard time respecting that. Not all infjs and intjs are the same but this article still connects a lot of dots