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PHQ | QUESTIONS FROM COMMUNITY: In this episode Joel and Antonia answer a question from a listener about how INTJs can deal with xxFP types (ENFP, INFP, ESFP, ISFP).
In This Podcast You’ll Find:
- FP = Feeler Perceivers (INFP, ENFP, ESFP, ISFP)
- No two FPs are alike. They will show up in a way that is most authentic to them.
- INTJs need to remember to communicate their structural needs in a clear way.
- INTJs can feel vulnerable when things are chaotic.
- “Hey. I organize my life this way. It probably seems uptight to you, but it helps me to be happier and more present. I can connect better if my world is organized. I know that is not how you show up to the world. I know you like spontaneity, but for me, organization helps me connect more and be a better friend and lover for you.”
- Introverted Feeling (Fi) is part of an INTJs conscious awareness, although less sophisticated.
- If an INTJ has a lot of relationships with people who use Fi as a strength, the INTJ will find themselves playing in the sandbox with Fi.
- This puts the INTJ in a defensive position (i.e. pride, hurt feelings, etc.).
- If the INTJ gets pulled into a conversation about feelings, the INTJ is going to feel at a loss. You are on their turf.
- Keep bringing the conversation back to your strengths whenever possible – Extraverted Thinking (Te).
- When INTJ gets into their copilot, they create a container that feels very protective.
- Fi loves to feel protected. It rests into it. It wants validation. It gets wound up when it doesn’t feel validated.
- Once you give validation to a Fi user they calm way down because they feel understood.
- What strategies does a Thinker need to know to validate a Fi user?
- Immature Fi can sometimes attempt to create an emotion in someone who isn’t mirroring their own emotions enough.
- Sometimes a Fi user can’t even identify why they feel strongly about something.
- A dispassionate response to a Feelers emotions is not going to be validating.
- Ask a follow-up question: Why do you feel that way? What is going on for you? Do you feel this way or that?
- Help them co-create an answer for them to explore what is going on for them.
- Sometimes it can be validating to a Fi user to trust their hunches.
- It puts pressure on INTJs to keep coming to FP, but that is sometimes the reality.
- Just make sure you aren’t doing all the work and sacrifice. FPs should be doing the same for you when you need them to.
- INTJs growth point is to be surrounded by order, not messiness. Too much chaos is exhausting because Te fights to create order.
- Ask yourself what generates a sustainable system.
- A system has a bunch of nodes in it; like the relationship, the actual order/disorder, how each person responds to the environment and each other, and what the initial conditions are? Do the initial conditions encourage or discourage order?
- Create a system that creates the order you want.
- Disney World realizes that having a garbage can every 20 feet is likely to keep people from throwing trash on the ground.
- You can create a sustainable system that produces the behavior you want.
- Make it as easy as possible to maintain the order you want, while not compromising the relationship.
- Think in terms of not just enforcing order, but creating an environment that is sustainable.
- Create emotional and physical containers.
- Feel free to outsource to get the help you need.
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9 comments
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for making this podcast. As an INTJ female, I had a major epiphany this morning after having listened to this podcast last night. I have had a lifelong struggle with various FP men in my life – but it was not until I listened to this podcast that I understood exactly why… I had not yet connected the dots or made the connection between the communication difficulties that have plagued me and frustrated me in various contexts. It was the precise, clear wording that both Antonia and Joel used that made me say, “EXACTLY” – this is exactly how I experience it. This is exactly how I feel. I realized that trying to appeal to Fi is not working for me. Although I have been developing my Fi functioning, I was under the mistaken impression that this was the best way to connect with an FP male, despite our differences. I thought it might be the place for common ground when we have experienced conflict in the past (I am thinking of more than one INTJ/XXFP relationship in this context – two are familial and the other is romantic). Now I know it’s absolutely NOT the place to go. Fi is not my strongest function. I can do it when I feel it’s required of me or when it feels appropriate But when I go there with these types, I feel like I am overcompensating. I feel like I cannot win. I feel like there is no point in communicating because they will not listen to reason. As Antonia so wisely suggested, “it’s not my play box”. I feel like I become emotionally ‘play dough’ or manipulated into providing emotional validation whereas I feel empty. It does not feel like there is an equal exchange of energy (if that makes sense?) It feels like the FP is like the plant in ’ The Little Shop of Horrors’ – FEED ME! FEED ME NOW! And the FP has taken is monster extra long plant tentacles or arms and enveloped me. I feel sucked in. These relationships feel co-dependent insofar as I feel like I am not one doing the heavy lifting and I am challenged to find a way to build a healthier relationship. Often when these NP males have taken me to their Fi fiefdom, I have sometimes felt completely overwhelmed and unarmed. I have been in situations where I have been subject to an NPs “emotional shouting” and it’s not a pretty picture. I don’t know what to do other than to shut down. It’s impossible to reason. It’s impossible to try to use logic or negotiate when the NP is using Fi because everything seems to be about their feelings. At this point there seems to be no common ground and all I feel I can do is “raise my hands and surrender.” Now, I have a sense of why I psychologically feel that way – why I feel that they have some kind of special power over me.
I have come to realize that I cannot "fix’ their feelings. If the FP is feeling pain, I can listen, I can provide validation, but I cannot “fix” or take care of their feelings of sadness, frustrating, disappointment, loneliness, etc. I’d like to learn more about how my Te (external thinking) function plays a role in our dynamic. I do sense them ‘leaning’ on my Te. But I did not think about this until I heard Joel talk about this in the podcast. I have always felt that I have had a strong inner compass – that there is something very solid and comforting about my presence. The comments that were made about Te were very validating in this sense. I also think that Antonia’s illusion of the need for discernment regarding the choices we make in relationships in important. We have free will to walk away from unsatisfactory and unhealthy relationship when it comes to friends, lovers and employers. However, when it’s a close family member, that’s not always possible or desirable. Sometimes it is necessary to make an effort to maintain a relationship despite profound differences in personality types. I know I will always be challenged in the case of the relationship to my son. But at least now, in part to listening to this podcast, I have greater insight as to why this is the case. There is an opportunity to learn and develop more effective and satisfactory strategies of relating to one another. Connection is still a challenge but I am committed to working on it. INTJs are loyal if nothing else.
I understand that some of what I have tried to communicate is a bit vague and abstract. If either Antonia or Joel end up reading this comment, please know that you have helped me immensely even if you don’t quite grasp what I am trying to convey. Thanks again.
I just listened to your INTJ personality type. It was spot on in it’s analysis. But, for further information: Joel is an example of why INTJ personalities tend to not go to parties. Even though he knows that an INTJ does not feel that they are the smartest person in the room, he strongly feels that they do. From his tone I can tell that he treats them this way as well. It is not malicious. Other personality types can’t help but be this way towards INTJ types.
I’m an FP and so is my twin sister, and most of the time, we just don’t even see the things that need to be done organizationally. If you live with one or more FPs, I would suggest leaving notes around the house as a reminder to them to tidy up. For example, you could leave a note by the sink that says, “Please wash the dishes and put them away.” You should tell the FP what you are doing and why. I think a healthy authenticity person would respond well to this system. My mom uses this method on me and it works about 90% of the time. (The other 10% of the time I tell myself I’ll do it later and then forget to do it, and then it becomes MY mistake and I own it.) Of course if you don’t live with any FPs none of this really applies.
This is brilliant. I know 2 INTJs and I can say, as an INFP, this helped me understand their function stack better.