5 Crucial Differences Between INFJs and INFPs
There may be no two types mistaken for each other more than INFJs and INFPs. And while they may look similar from the outside, they are very different creatures on the inside.
Add to that, INFJs and INFPs are two of the personality types most interested in personality psychology, so a misunderstanding of their differences can cause a lot of personal frustration (not to mention internet arguments!)
This article is intended to be a deep-dive, side-by-side comparison of their similarities and differences. (If you’re trying to figure out whether you're an INFJ or an INFP, remember that these aren’t intended to describe your individual interests or values, but rather how the two types are ‘wired’ differently.)
First, let's discuss why these two types are "look-a-like" types.
How INFJs and INFPs are Similar
At first glance, both types share a thoughtful and introspective vibe. They're the ones you'll find mulling over the deeper meanings of life, often lost in thought or absorbed in a book that explores the human condition. Both types have a rich inner world, deeply contemplate values, and strive to understand themselves and others on a profound level. But the way they perceive the world, make decisions, and navigate their inner landscape differs significantly, largely due to their cognitive functions. We'll unpack these differences next, shedding light on why these two introspective types, while appearing similar, are distinctly unique in their essence.
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Cognitive functions are the building blocks of personality, helping us understand how different personality types process information and make decisions. Each personality type uses a combination of these functions, with a dominant mental process leading and others playing supporting roles. We explain how cognitive functions work using the Car Model in this article. |
The Car Model of INFJs and INFPs
INFJ Car Model
Driver: Introverted Intuition, or "Perspectives"
Copilot: Extraverted Feeling, or "Harmony"
10 Year Old: Introverted Thinking, or "Accuracy"
3 Year Old: Extraverted Sensing, or "Sensation"
INFP Car Model
Driver: Introverted Feeling, or "Authenticity"
Copilot: Extraverted Intuition, or "Exploration"
10 Year Old: Introverted Sensing, or "Memory"
3 Year Old: Extraverted Thinking, or "Effectiveness"
1. INFP vs INFJ: Different "Driver" Cognitive Functions
The Driver process can also be called the “dominant cognitive function.” It’s the mind’s first point of contact and the primary lens through which everything gets filtered.
For an INFJ, this dominant process is technically called Introverted Intuition, but we’ve nicknamed it “Perspectives.”
Perspectives is a learning function (technically called a “perceiving function”), and works by watching one’s own mind form patterns. After years of use, eventually Perspectives begins to see the ‘pattern of the patterns’ and understands that what is happening inside of themselves cognitively is also happening for other people.
INFPs, on the other hand, lead with a process called Introverted Feeling, which we call “Authenticity.”
Authenticity is a decision-making function (technically called a “judging function”), and works by being deeply in touch with how one is emotionally impacted by events. Decisions are made by “checking in” to ensure that they are in alignment with one’s values and identity. There is a saying that the more personal something is the more universal it is. Over time Authenticity understands that they aren’t alone in their feelings. They are simply more aware of them than other types.
Already, there’s a major difference in how these two types see the world.
INFJs are leading with an intuitive, learning process and INFPs are leading with a feeling, decision-making process.
For many INFPs it may be surprising to learn that they lead with a decision-making process, since decisions can be grueling for this type. Although Authenticity is truly decision-making, it is easily the slowest of the four decision-making processes (the other three being Extraverted Thinking or "Effectiveness," Introverted Thinking or "Accuracy" and Extraverted Feeling or "Harmony").
Authenticity needs to be able to register how something is feeling viscerally, and often an INFP won’t know the right decision to make until after they’ve made it. It’s especially confusing when the Authenticity user can see a case for almost anything, so what’s true for them has to be carefully parsed out.
Each decision and its subsequent emotional impact is cataloged, however, and future decisions become easier and faster.
In fact, being so in touch with the emotional fall-out of a decision is how Authenticity eventually creates conviction, knowing in one’s ‘bones’ the rightness of something.
INFJs can also have trouble making decisions, but not for the same reason. Their decision-making process – technically called Extraverted Feeling that we’ve nicknamed “Harmony” – is faster than Authenticity, but secondary for them.
That is, they lead with Perspectives, and Harmony is an auxiliary process. Effort is required to develop the secondary process (that we call the “Co-Pilot”), and so when an INFJ finds themselves indecisive it’s because they’re spending too much time in their Driver of Perspectives and not enough time in their Co-Pilot of Harmony.
The result may look the same – indecisiveness – but the root is entirely different.
For an INFP, because their decision-making process can take time, it can feel grueling to be pressured to make a quick call. Each decision needs to be in alignment with the INFP’s values, and even a decision as simple as what salad to order can be a frustration if, say, their relationship with food has become a part of how they define themselves.
On the other hand, since INFJs are more removed from their decision-making process of Harmony, it’s usually over time that they become frustrated with the inability to make a final call. They are less likely to agonize over smaller decisions because not every decision is a reflection of their identity.
Understanding the difference between Perspectives and Authenticity can be tricky. They are both introverted processes after all, and require some measure of introspection. But even though they both are looking ‘inward’, they’re looking at distinctly different things.
Think of it as the difference between having an “a-ha!” moment versus that moment when you can feel your entire body tell you that you just made the right decision. “Getting” something for the first time conceptually is a very different experience than checking in to ensure everything is emotionally copacetic.
The Perspectives process allocates as much of its attention as it can get away with on the ‘a-ha’ moment, whereas Authenticity is constantly checking in with the individual’s emotional thermostat.
Understanding the difference between these two functions is crucial to understanding the difference in types.
2. INFP vs INFJ: Two different ways of evaluating emotional significance
As mentioned, an INFJ’s decision-making criteria comes from their auxiliary, or Co-Pilot, process Harmony.
Harmony is technically called Extraverted Feeling, in contrast with INFP’s Driver process of Introverted Feeling (Authenticity).
Which “attitude” (or, direction) the process faces once again shifts focus in a significant way.
Both Feeling functions are decision-making. That is, they are mental processes designed to help us evaluate information in order to come to a judgment.
Any time you ‘weigh the pros and cons’ of a decision you’re using a decision-making process, and what ends up standing out as important to you is based on which process you’re using.
We nicknamed Extraverted Feeling “Harmony” because we think it adequately describes the criteria this process is utilizing.
The Harmony person might ask themselves something like…
“What get’s everyone needs met?”
“How do I create harmony both within interpersonal relationships and the context/environment?”
In order to know the ‘right’ choice, other people’s emotions become the most interesting piece of information.
They’re ultimately the feedback mechanism needed to determine a decision was the right one, because it’s their emotions that tell you if their needs are getting met and/or if they experience any form of conflict.
On the other hand, Introverted Feeling is nicknamed “Authenticity” because it’s about the individual’s emotional experience. It’s about checking in with one’s own emotions to determine if an action is the ‘right’ one.
Is Authenticity more selfish than Harmony?
There is some confusion around whether or not Authenticity is ‘selfish’ or ‘self-centered’ in comparison to Harmony. While immature Authenticity can be quite self-indulgent, mature Authenticity is vital for a healthy society. Authenticity is where we experience integrity, the part of us that says it’s unconscionable to offend our own values.
The only way to 1) know ones values and 2) stay true to them is to spend time deep-diving into one’s own conscience and subjective emotional experience.
On the other hand, Harmony when immature looks more like emotional manipulation and social bullying, while mature Harmony makes sure all of our needs are understood and taken care of.
If offending others is more distressing than offending yourself, you are more likely using Harmony. And if you’re willing to be a total pariah in behalf of your convictions, you’re more likely using Authenticity.
Some INFJs, accustomed to being misunderstood and feeling like an ‘outcast’, will sometimes identify with the concept of being true to oneself over ‘society’ and identify with this aspect of INFPs.
But instead of seeing it as a variation of being true to oneself (which all 16 types are fundamentally attempting to do all the time), it’s more helpful to see it as “serving other’s needs first in order to get your own needs met” (Harmony) versus “honoring one’s own experience first in order to honor other’s experience” (Authenticity).
3. INFP vs INFJ: The subtle difference between “absorbing” and “mirroring” emotions
This may be the biggest confusion between the two types. It’s definitely the source of endless internet battles for supremacy of “who’s the most empathetic type.”
Both INFJs and INFPs have an almost magical ability to understand the emotional human experience. The way they go about it, though, is very different.
I once heard a description for ’empathy’ as “Your pain my heart.” For an INFJ, this couldn’t be more true. INFJs absorb other people’s emotional energy whether they want to or not. If it’s powerful and there – friend or foe, intimate or stranger – your pain is in their heart.
The combination of Perspectives (getting into other’s heads) and Harmony (having other people’s emotions on their radar all the time) seems to converge into this super power (absorbing emotions), a gift I’d venture to say most INFJs would trade away if they could. (Well, for a day… before they started missing their sixth sense.)
INFPs, on the other hand, are masters at understanding the emotions themselves. As mentioned before, sometimes Authenticity doesn’t know the right decision until it’s already been made, and to compensate for this INFPs become consummate role-players. They can manufacture an emotional experience in order to test out what it would feel like, giving them more content to go on at game time.
Since Authenticity is their Driver process, this ability becomes unconscious competence for INFPs and they may not even register when they’re doing it. This is why Authenticity Drivers (INFPs and ISFPs) are easily the greatest actors and performers of all the types. Putting on a new emotion can be as easy as swapping jackets.
When in the presence of another person’s strong emotion, it’s not that the INFP is absorbing it, they’re mirroring it. Since this is exceptionally easy for them to do, it’s usually a surprise to discover that other people can’t even come close to this ability.
The nuance of their ability to mirror another person’s emotional experience can feel like absorbing since it’s so spot on. But, remember – this isn’t another person’s emotion in the INFP’s heart. This is years and years of the INFP mapping emotions within themselves and finding the closest proximity to what the other person is experiencing.
Again, the more personal an experience the more universal, and no one understands this as well as the INFP. “What is the exact feeling I’d be feeling if I were you?” is the Authenticity version of INFJ’s “Your pain in my heart.”
If an INFP appears to be constantly self-referencing, it’s because they are. They understand you based on understanding themselves. To self-reference is to enable more rewarding interpersonal experiences, though our culture can generate a societal distaste for self-referencing.
Perhaps the easiest way to understand the difference in these two styles (INFJ absorbing vs INFP mirroring) is their relationship to time.
To absorb another’s emotion, both the INFJ and the other person (who is emoting) have to be together in real time. This isn’t post-processing emotional experience, it’s an emotion hitting the INFJ due to energetic proximity.
For an INFP it’s about finding the emotion the other person is – was – or will be experiencing within themselves. The emotion can be bound through time via works of art, literature, journals and any/every other way we as people express our emotions.
INFPs famously have a special relationship with art, and this is a major reason why. Art is a great tool for the INFP to help other people mirror (or re-create) the INFP’s emotional experience.
Truly great art evokes in us a response, and sometimes we discover emotions inside of ourselves we didn’t know we had. Authenticity artists outclass just about everyone else in their ability to help others mirror emotions.
Again, it’s not absorption, it’s mirroring (how I would feel in your place), which is why art speaks to everyone a little differently.
To recap: for an INFJ emotional absorption is done in real time/synchronously, whereas for an INFP emotional mirroring can be done through time/asynchronously.
4. INFP vs INFJ: Being understood vs. being validated
Both the INFJ and INFP personality types run into the problem of feeling misunderstood. For INFJs, the Perspectives process gives them an insight into other people that is unmatched, and it can be disconcerting to realize other people don’t have the same super power. The result is a lot of one-sided relationships.
On top of that, the Perspectives process is itself quite mysterious to other people. Both INxJ types (INFJs and INTJs) learn to keep their speculations to themselves. ‘Just knowing’ stuff feels like precognition to others and can make them uncomfortable.
INFPs face feeling misunderstood because no one could possibly ever know them as well as they know themselves.
The Authenticity process is a deep pool of nuanced self-awareness, and it’s truly impossible to communicate all the variety within themselves to another person.
If you peel back the layers, however, INFPs are not as bothered by their identity being misunderstood (unless what is being misunderstood is their intent... more on that in a moment).
In fact, if anyone else ever actually ‘fully’ understood them that would be a bad sign – it would mean that the INFP had lost some of their individuality or that they’re dangerously close to being too similar to other people.
There may even be some pride around being inscrutable. At the very least it’s a sign that they’ve not lost their uniqueness.
So, if it’s not full understanding an INFP wants, what is it that they’re seeking?
Imagine that the criteria you use to make all of your decision is perpetually questioned by nearly every person you encounter. And now add to that the phenomenon that you usually don’t know the best decision to make until after you’ve already made it. To put a cherry on top, it’s based on something you can’t possibly explain to another person (because it has no language) AND once you know the right decision, you know it with such certainty that you would die for it.
But you still can’t quite explain it beyond, “It just FEELS right.”
It’s extremely easy for people of other types to marginalize this process, and nothing is more maddening to have your mental wiring – one of the primary sources of ‘identity’ – marginalized.
Authenticity uses ‘intent’ as one of its primary calibrations for whether or not a decision is right, for both themselves and for others. Oftentimes when an INFP gets sensitive or defensive it’s because they think their intent is being called into question. When INFPs feel marginalized they can also feel others insinuating bad motive.
As in, if you’re insistent on making this choice but you can’t fully explain to me ‘why’, then you must be being selfish or have other bad motive.
When an INFP feels “misunderstood,” it could be more accurately stated that they feel marginalized, discounted and believe others are questioning their motives.
The antidote to this isn’t ‘understanding’ them better. Most INFPs would say no one could ever truly understand them, anyway. The real antidote is validating their process of making decisions.
As in: “I don’t have to agree with you. I don’t have to know why you believe or feel the way you do. When I tell you that you have every right to feel the way you do, and make decisions based on those feelings, I trust that you have positive intent.”
If you can sincerely communicate that to an INFP they will love you forever.
INFJs aren’t nearly as invested in others believing they have good motive. They are far more likely to be tuned into the motives and motivations of others to give a lot of thought about whether the other person believes the INFJ has positive intent.
Where an INFP can lose awareness of other people if they’re really excited by a topic, INFJs never lose awareness of other people.
In fact, that’s why INFJs generally need more alone time than INFPs (not always, but usually). The only real distance INFJs get from other people is when they’re truly physically alone, and this is generally used to recharge their batteries for the next trip into the outer world.
INFJs are far less interested in validation and are more interested in protection. They don’t need you to agree with them, they need to know you’re not going to hurt them, even if the fear of hurt is deeply unconscious.
There are some INFPs that have experienced trauma in the past and fear being hurt by others, but that’s more a product of wounding than anything intrinsic. The most protected, well-treated INFJ on the planet is still going to have something inside them scanning for people who would be deliberately hurtful.
The differences between being understood versus being validated can be pretty subtle, but profound when trying to determine between the types.
5. INFP vs INFJ: How each persuades and leads
INFJs – using the Perspectives process – often solve problems and persuade others by offering alternative perspectives. In fact, they generally solve problems by shifting perspectives until the solution becomes clear. They offer these shifts to others as ‘a-ha’ moments.
INFPs – using the Authenticity process – are more masters of emotional Aikido. Since they understand how emotions flow within the self, they can use this to redirect the emotional energy in another person, getting them to feel what they want them to feel.
Both are powerfully persuasive tactics, and both types are represented in famous spiritual leaders. And while each can utilize the other talent, it seems there’s a strong preference for INFJs to bring ‘insight’ and INFPs to bring ‘inspiration’.
INFP and INFJ: Sibling-Types
When well developed, both INFJs and INFPs are highly emotionally intelligent. There’s a sense that these two types are here to assist the rest of us in understanding the human condition in a profound way. These two sibling types are extraordinary at what they do, and can have deep appreciation for each other’s methodology.
-Antonia
p.s. This is by no means an exhaustive list, and we’d love to hear what you think are ‘tie-breakers’ between the types. Leave a comment and let us know what you see as the biggest differences.
Discover the roadmap to harnessing your unique strengths and navigate your personal growth journey with your INFJ Owners Manual or INFP Owners Manual.
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423 comments
Wow, so amazingly insightful! As an INFP I agree with absolutely everything you say.
As I’m nearing 25 I’m finally seeing how alarmingly often people just don’t understand what I’m trying to tell them. I now see that when they do understand, they usually have something to say. I don’t want to change my communication style though :( That would be fake and boring.
Also, any thoughts about Si? Much of my family are S-types, and I feel like my Si got developed before my Ne. I’m probably less balanced than other introverts and perhaps have less control of my Ne than many INFP’s do.
I would also love to talk some more if you can/want.
Thanks for taking the time to deconstruct the article from an INFP perspective. I think you make a lot of good points, and it’s a great addition to the conversation.
The article is most assuredly from an outside perspective of both types – I’m an ENTP, and these are my observations of how the cognitive functions show up in both types. It’s not the deep dive that your comment is, and that’s on purpose. To fully appreciate the nuances of your comment I think a person would have to have your depth of understanding on the system, and the article is meant to be accessible to a broader audience.
For anyone who wants a deeper dive into INFPs – most especially the points you made on (what I interpreted as) having some emotional distance and therefore being able to hold space, as well as the self-referencing component being a sign of understanding others – I highly recommend adding this comment to the equation.
Thanks again. :)
A
This is much better than most “INFP or INFJ” articles out there, and it manages to not be very condescending towards INFPs as these articles so often are.
Being pedantic, I take issue with some word choices and phrasing, but over all, nice job.
Im quite sure of being INFP and appreciate the perspectives vs authenticity portion, as well as the caveat about supposed “Fi selfishness” and how Fe can be selfish if manipulative for the individual’s own gain, but feedback from others tells me Im more insightful than inspiring. I really think that is more of an E/I distinction for the NFs. The ENFx types are generally more inspiring and the INFx types are generally more insightful. I think it would be more telling to discuss HOW the manner of passing on insight occurs for each INFx type. I would say INFJs more often communicate directly, whereas INFPs seek to lead people to an insight. I can see how this might look like inspiring, because it, er, tricks people into thinking they arrive at it themselves. INFPs, being highly autonomous, understand it’s human nature to feel you arrived at a conclusion yourself. This, ironically, feels the least manipulative of the NF ways, but isn’t any less so. And yes, a common form of this is via artistic expression. INFJs, oddly enough, may use strength of emotion to express conviction which strikes people so much they are comfortable being “led” by them, because this person seems soooo sure. Of course, this is a Fe vs Ne thing too, the manner in which each interacts with others. INFPs may also lead by example more, whereas INFJs may be more direct again. In leading by example, INFPs may seem to inspire, but what they are really doing is providing insight into alternate modes from the status quo, or illuminating a value-concept by embodying it. INFJs are more likely to TELL people, in a more clear-cut leader role, with the individual sacrificing the self to fill that role. Of course, this sacrifice of self is not “fake”, but the person naturally transforming, because the internal perspective is fluid and will shift to be what is necessary to achieve an end. Recognizing the ability of others to do this, they are embodying a truth about people, which is fluidity and ability to change to reach goals. The INFP paradoxically embodies a value by staying authentic, aka by NOT sacrificing the self; but this is not adhering to mere whims nor fleeting moods, but deeper value-concepts. The INFP, then, is more focused on fundamental significance, aka, value in terms of the human condition. Hence, a sensitivity to invalidation, aka, a devaluing of the significance of their condition. The INFJ is focused on fundamental patterns or tendencies in the human condition. Hence, a sensitivity to the potential for harm or bad ends, and the need to protect oneself from the unknown and uncontrollable. To control the external, the INFJ changes their view of it until they can navigate comfortably. But this inspires others to transformation and to take a different view of problems for a solution as opposed to jumping into action. To uphold a fundamental value, an INFP demonstrates the meaning of the value in such a way that moves others to feel that value and uphold it as well. I agree that both do both and even may cross over into the other’s trademark methods, but I think its still more about the general methods than being more inspiring or insightful on the whole. Because each have a rather unusual viewpoint of reality, simply being themselves can be eye-opening to others. INFJs transform their perspective and INFPs maintain authenticity.
You do confuse need for some validation (which also stems from inferior Te feeling of incompetency issues) for wanting agreement at one point, although prior to that you noted they dont need the other person to agree. An example of this is: “I may not need that or feel its significance, aka, I dont agree, but I can understand why you need it or why its significant for you because it makes SENSE for you”. This doesnt understand or agree with the valuation itself, but it acknowledges that it is from a place of consistency and reason. Fi makes sense of things in terms of value and within a human context, and that means the context is variable also, as every human differs a bit. This means value is not the same for every person or in every context; value is not static, although some very fundamental concepts exist which cannot really be put into words (IMO, need for consensus is more of a Fe thing, to align the self with some objective standard, whereas Fi interprets the object by comparing it to the internal standard as determined by the self).
So the validation is that of the INFP’s rationality, which is their ego, but which the inferior undermines (Te). Being that Te is more frequent as a dom/aux function and more readily accepted, this means Fi IS misunderstood. Often, it’s mentioned that INFPs FEEL misunderstood, but they ARE misunderstood, as far as the basic point that they are coming from a rational mindset. The request is not for agreement, but at least benefit of the doubt, or suspension of judgment instead of a knee-jerk reaction against Fi. Like most types, its asking for others to do what they do, and it leaves the person feeling its one-sided.
It could also be noted that need for validation is actually an IxxP issue in general, although possibly less noticable in IxTPs, but Jung does note that introverted rationals tend to have chips on their shoulders when it comes to being understood.
Also, not wanting to be misunderstood is not the same as wanting to be fully understood. I wouldnt say that INFPs would find being fully understood to undermine some sense of complexity, because a surprising amount of INFPs dont view themselves as oh so complex. This touches more the point about motive…. People tend to project feelings and motives, etc, onto others based off of their own fears and insecurities. INFPs, like many introverts, may be quiet, reserved people who are rather blank outwardly, and this leaves them open to being projected upon negatively. Many people think they read others well – most do not, and INFPs tend to know this because they so often may be read totally wrong.
Because INFPs often dont operate according to Fe protocol, this makes them confusing to others, which also leads to others making negative assumptions. As Van Der Hoop notes, the Fi type encounters much misunderstanding in life not because their feeling is wrong, because the feeling is often highly refined and correct, but because the manner of expression is “wrong”, aka it is not the conventional means nor readily understood. Again, all that is really needed here is suspension of judgement, but that is Pe mentality and most people seek quick closure (Je mentality). In order to not be misunderstood, the person doesnt need to be totally understood nor validated, just not judged, especially prematurely. People tend to focus on the manner of expression over the meaning of it, and they interpret the meaning poorly, instead of humbly admitting they just dont understand something. This poor interpretation of expression and action may occur because the feeling is so foreign that these people havent considered it before, and their knee-jerk reaction is to wrongly categorize it as something familiar. The INFP neither has poor intent nor wrong action, but people don’t see the end goal as valid or even realize it could exist as an end goal.
Its not that the INFP needs validation or understanding, just absence of judgement and assumption, aka, benefit of the doubt. Other times the INFP has to adjust their mode of expression to be properly understood, but they tend to resist this if it means watering it down too much. Good communication requires effort from both sides of course.
This brings us to “self-referencing”. First, I’d argue that ALL people, regardless of type, love to talk about themselves first and foremost. Being quiet, private, often self-deprecating people who are noted for being exceptional listeners, INFPs are arguably less prone to self-centered talk. But here is where I think this idea comes from: everyone self-references a lot, but when INFPs do, they try to relate it to YOU. Ironically, in trying to make their experience/feeling/whatever about YOU, they get tagged as self-absorped. Meanwhile, others yack on about themselves without making any connection to the experience of others, and somehow this is less self-absorped. I think the reason why it annoys some people when the INFP relates is the other person’s need to feel complex and unusual. Its often these types of people who complain about it. Because INFPs ruminate so deeply on the human condition and what it all means, they quickly pull up reference points to illustrate what is going on, to help someone navigate their own experience, but the ease of this annoys others. Basically, other people may feel reduced, even if the motive is to help clarify and to offer understanding and validation. But to peg this as INFPs self-referencing more than others is inaccurate, IMO. I notice other INFPs rarely bring up anything about themselves unless they are attempting to relate, so that means anything said about themselves is really about YOU. The majority of the time, however, this is comforting to people and brings relief and clarity (aka insight into themselves, and then where to go from there now that emotions are “solved”).
Next is the empathy section…. I have no idea what “mirroring” means, and I think I may be interpreting it differently from what is intended, but here it sounds more like an ENFP. When I think of mirroring, I think of reflecting back the same feeling, and certainly the “self-referencing” may attest to that. But mirroring often means displaying the same emotion (ie someone tears up, and so you tear up), and that seems more common in ENFPs.
However, you correctly describe the INFP experience as more cerebral than in “the heart” (although being an F-dom paradoxically puts the heart in the head). I think a much better term for this is extrapolation. This is because a more developed empathic experience for an INFP is NOT “how would I feel if I were in his situation” but “how would it feel to be him in his situation”. I make this distinction because I believe NFPs tend to be better at grasping “foreign feelings”, aka emotions or values they have never experienced and would never hold, but that they can sort of simulate well-enough to grasp as if they have. This is not to say the simulation is so cerebral as to be emotionless, but that it’s not felt as their own, just validated as a legitimate human experience. The connection to the self is far more abstract. Its more like, “I have been sad and know what it means to be sad. I identify sadness in this person, and knowing what that means, I can appreciate the value behind whatever caused sadness in this person, even if it would never cause sadness in mean”. Of course its not that robotic and is a lot more nuanced and automatic, but the self is more like a prototype for human rather than a personal reference point. In other words, things are framed in terms of fundamental human condition, not “self”, but self is viewed as a way to grasp that condition. You correctly note this at the outset by saying the more personal something is, the more universal it is, but its really that the more significance an INFP personally assigns something, the more they see its connection to some fundamental human need/truth. So there is an extrapolation going on here – inferring the unknown (a foreign feeling one may never hold themselves) from the known (connecting that feeling to a more fundamental aspect of the human condition, which you have experienced different way).
I personally find the “your pain in my heart” to be annoying at times, because it seems the xxFJ is now making it about their heart. Now, not only do you have your own pain, but you have just disturbed someone else and have to be concerned that they also feel your pain. Ive experienced so many of them making it all about how upset they are for you, instead of the fact that you are the one actually in that situation. Then you feel a burden to “get better” faster so as to ease “your pain in their heart”. This also makes them less open to comforting others sometimes, perhaps because they have less barrier and feel more burdened, but they sometimes put that blame on others and judge them for not always being sunny. It makes people feel like they cannot be open with the FJ, because they dont want to burden them. Other times, the FJ doesnt feel your pain in their heart, and because it fails to stir them, they invalidate you. I suppose these FJs have to be dismissive towards people as some kind of self-protection. From the outside it looks like they are a lot less understanding of “foreign feelings”, unable to grasp emotions or values that do not stir so strongly within themselves also.
The beauty of being an IxFP is that you do maintain a boundary with others’ emotions, which doesnt make you any less capable of understanding them. The benefit of this is when you understand and even can validate someone else, but you dont identify it as your personal emotion, and then you are not unduly swayed by emotional appeals. The purity of your feeling values allows you to be separate from the majority when the majority is being immoral or unethical. It also allows you to validate others without compromising your integrity, to offer comfort without being so disturbed someone is made to feel they’ve burdened you, etc. INFPs, in a sense, have many people inside them, “characters” of sorts, and these are thoroughly constructed so as to be quite complex. In empathizing, its kind of like a model of the other person is immediately created, with all their history and makeup intuited and personal emotion only used as a reference for emotional meaning in general; and then the INFP instantly inserts herself into this simulator of sorts and embodies it for that time. But when all is over, they step back out of this “model” and so they are not burdened with it as their own experience or emotion; they maintain a separate identity and values based on their own feeling. Its kind of like “I have stepped inside your heart, so now I feel your pain as if I am you”, but when you step outside of them again, then you dont feel it anymore. Because you dont hold onto the emotional experience as your own, you can quickly move into the dissection part where you can clarify the signal the emotion is giving and figure out how to “heal” it, hence INFPs being called “harmonizer-clarifiers” and “healers”.
I dated an INFJ once, and to illustrate this difference simply, it comforted him to hear, “It hurts me to see you hurt” whereas that didn’t mean so much to me. In fact, that would sometimes make me feel worse because now I have my own pain AND theirs to worry about.
I prefer something like, “I understand why you feel that way”. And this aligns with the idea of INFPs wanting validation (due to inferior Te telling them they don’t stack up) and INFJs wanting “protection” (inferior Se, the concrete world is not fully controllable and has too many unpredictable variables). Of course, this may be surprising to some who like to imagine INFPs as less cerebral and more emotional than INFJs, although I don’t mean to argue the other way around either.
Talking about Feeling mostly in terms of emotion is also problematic to me, because I think to really understand Feeling as the dominant process, then you have to see it as rational. Feeling may order emotion, “make sense” of it, interpret it, utilize it, etc, but they are not one and the same, just as thinking is not raw data. Sometimes emotion is not part of the valuation process when it is deemed irrelevant (yes, feelers do that). Inner turmoil for INFPs is like heart vs heart, or emotions vs rational feeling. Harmonizing the two is often what helps to illuminate a basic concept about human needs.
Ive realized this has many tangents and is quite long-winded, so I will end here. As noted, I think the article makes good points, but I can see how it comes from an “outside” perspective of the INFP in some ways.
And ironically, said friend dumped me just a week after I dared to refer to her as my best friend for the first time ;___; The reason was my “excessive expectations” from a friendship. This was shocking, as we seemed to be well on the way towards true understanding and symbiosis.
As an INFP, I wouldn’t say I have any friendship-specific expectations. I just have needs that I’d like to be met, by my friends as a total. But nobody else has been as willing to understand me and meet those needs as she was.
I think the root of the problem is that my Fi is actually a judging function. Many of my frustrations with the friend were the same as what my boss had with me. I take friendship very seriously, even (or especially) online friendship. If there was one thing I indeed expected, it’s consistency. And over the years I repeatedly lowered my expectations, but I still had that idea of making up for things. “You become an adult when you take responsibility for what isn’t your fault”. To me it was uncomplicated and obvious that this should apply to friendships too, perhaps even more so than to boring mundane stuff.
So to the J-types over here I would say… Remember the feeling when you relied on someone at work or college and they let you down? If you have I**P-type friends, chances are you make them feel like that at least sometimes, in terms of the friendship. Acknowledge that and offer reassurance (and especially for offline friendships, consider helping with the mundane planning etc that is natural for you).
To fellow INFP’s… our Ne is awesome, but it gives us needs that are unlikely to be matched by one person. It’s tough for introverts to open up so much even to 2-3 people, but most likely one isn’t enough, no matter how well they seem to understand you. Don’t put your eggs in one basket and don’t let your happiness rely too much on one specific person. (This creates a huge pressure on them!) Don’t worry about not being able to call anyone a best friend. This may sound selfish and very Fi, but seek to have your needs met, not to match the social expectations (which also include having a significant other who understands you 100%). And I know it’s not easy, right now I feel like nobody is truly interested in the real me, not only their favourite part, ie the side that resonates with them. (Maybe this also has to do with me being a Gemini) This is where the Ne and Fi appear to have a conflict.
One more thing is that this is already the second time my friend broke all contact with me. I keep on reading that this is what INFP’s do but I can’t imagine doing that to anyone, at least if they’re actively seeking to get in touch. But it should be noted that in INFJ and INFP, the defensive and critical parent functions mirror the other type’s main functions. Maybe in some twisted way we enjoy each other’s style of quarrelling, deep inside. Similarly, because my own critical parent function is Ni, and my mum has a strong Fe, it’s been really difficult to understand that my friend’s choices are her own, not a result of suppressing her “real” self that is more similar to me than her “public persona”.
And ironically, I was being so needy exactly because I was having flashbacks of the previous time, and I felt like I had learned a lot and hadn’t done anything to deserve the unfair treatment. My mind did know that the lack of attention had nothing to do with my worth and my friend’s loyalty, but I still couldn’t shut up about what it felt like.
Also, both times I feel like the shock therapy was effective but came at a cost, and that just a little more patience would’ve done the trick safely. I’ve had similar experiences with an ISFJ.
Finally, I think we basically had our own version of the typical introvert/extravert struggle where my INFJ friend needed more personal time and I, although an introvert too, needed more of her presence (to the point of her feeling like I expected her to “live online”). That’s especially interesting because as far as I know, INFJ’s are often mistaken for extraverts offline due to their Fe. And it’s taken me ages to understand how watching TV with mum can count as personal time for my friend.
Be very careful with following advice from family members etc. INFP/INFJ friendships are very sophisticated and it’s easy to have only a superficial understanding. However, these friendships are also amazing. I hope this can help someone.
Aww, that’s really interesting, although strange too. I’d say Ne is culturally preferred to Ni, maybe especially in North America (my impression as an outsider, hehe). Do you think you naturally have these Ne tendencies, developed them through education or absorbed this social bias with your Fe? Ni is an amazing function too and you shouldn’t suppress it <3