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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about Gary Chapman and his book The 5 Love Languages.

In this podcast on the 5 love languages you’ll find:

  • Gary Chapman outlines love in 5 different ways. These love languages are very powerful and we all have different ways of expressing our love to our mate.
  • We’re often unaware that we speak in different love languages. When this happens, misunderstanding occurs because you’re going to think that the person is denying or withholding love from you.
  • The 5 Different Love Languages
    1. Words of Affirmation. Expressing love through affirming words like how proud you are of your partner or maybe a nickname that only the two of you use dearly. It could also be the way you speak highly of them in public.
    2. Quality Time. Spending a lot of quality time. There are people who just want being present by the quality of time they spend with their mate.
    3. Gift Giving. Expresses love by finding that perfect object that will make the person happy or to receive a gift.
    4. Acts of Service. Doing the dishes, getting the oil changed in the car. Working hard to provide for the family.
    5. Physical Touch. Through touching and physicality. Examples include but not limited to snogging, holding hands in public, kissing in public and giving a massage. This is more than just sex. Sex is a fundamental need and is part of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs.
  • When couples have different ways of expressing their love (example – you’re a quality time person and your mate is an “acts of service” person), misunderstanding occurs and sometimes, causing one or both partners to feel “not loved”.
  • It’s a matter of finding out what’s your love language and how are you misinterpreting selfishness.
  • So how are you going to find out your partner’s primary love language? Test it, try giving them gifts for example and check if it creates a big impact to them.
  • Oftentimes, the language you use to give love is not necessarily the language you get from the other person.
  • The way that we receive love and the way that we show love might be different. Knowing not just what you and your mate are but what your receiving and giving language is, can be very powerful.
  • If somebody is expressing love in a way that’s unfamiliar to us, keep in mind that it’s an attempt for them to show love intimacy.
  • The more we can see positive intent from our mate, the more we understand that they want to feel intimacy, being able to understand the love language model helps maintain the intimacy and maintain a healthy relationship.

Exercises we recommend in this podcast:

Write down the 5 love languages and rate yourself and your mate from 1-5 (1 being the highest). Invite your mate to have their own list and talk deeply about it.

Things we reference in this podcast:

In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about Gary Chapman and his book The 5 Love Languages. #lovelanguage

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  • Audra
    • Audra
    • November 24, 2021 at 5:26 pm

    This is exactly the reason I wanted to comment.
    Quality time for me includes SHARED ACTIVITIES, being present and engaged with each other, showing interest and attention, laughter and playfulness, etc.
    Just being near each other, in a passive way, is quality time on a starvation level.

  • Nicole
    • Nicole
    • June 12, 2018 at 9:18 pm

    It appears that either the definition of quality time in the 5 love languages model has changed or it has been misinterpreted in the podcast. On the 5 love languages website quality time is described as follows:

    In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

    If quality time was defined as it is in the podcast (spending time together regardless of attention, conversation and/or activity) this would by no means be my primary love language. I hope this new definition will help others when determining their love language.


  • Sara
    • Sara
    • August 2, 2017 at 10:15 pm

    When I first came across the topic of the love languages and read through the descriptions, my mind was blown. Like the guy you mentioned in the podcast, I have always been confused with my mom’s constant spending on stuff like clothes when I’m the kind of person who just wear a stack again and again and again and the amount of clothes piling up in my cupboard felt like a waste of money. And to test it out, I did stuff like randomly buying her ice cream or fruits that she like and her excitement whenever she gets these things that I simply bought across the street from our house (and she knows it) was incomprehensible to me.

    I like how you mentioned that our languages for giving and receiving may be different. I took the test on their website and it says that my primary language is words of affirmation and while that completely resonates with me, I also realised that I don’t really use words of affirmation as much and yet I get ecstatic when someone simply say ‘thank you’ to me.

    I think it’s because I grew up in an environment that emphasises on acts of service, gift giving and quality time as the ‘ideal’ love language. My mother thinks that talk is cheap and when I was around nine, she thought that I was old enough to not need validation for my actions and while it sounds a little extreme, to hear my mother still telling my younger siblings (the youngest being a baby still) ‘well done’ when they button up their clothes and yet she stopped me calling me by silly baby names made me feel ostracized (and it so happens that I was also going through some tough times then). I remember once when I placed really high in my test, she told me that I did a great job once and that was it while my sister who usually worked harder than me but didn’t do as well was reminded so many times that my parents were proud of her. Years later I found out that they were simply trying to make her feel better and not start a sibling rivalry between us and she thought that at ten, and since I do well every year, I don’t need the encouragement as my younger sister did.

    It’s only when I found out about MBTI and added it to my tools in personal development and appreciated my quirks as an ENFP that I begin to say more of what I feel and my sister told me that I tend to ‘over-thank’ and my mother thinks that I’m trying to get her to do something when I tell her that I love her out of the blue. It’s not that she question the fact that I love her but for her, it’s an accepted fact and there is no point in bringing it up and thus the fact that I did makes her suspicious.

  • Antonia Dodge
    • Antonia Dodge
    • June 21, 2017 at 3:00 pm

    I think you’re on to something – good insight. :)


  • Bert
    • Bert
    • June 20, 2017 at 11:59 am

    You (Antonia) mention you like to give gifts, but receiving them is not that important for you. I guess this is because you are “acts of service”-person. The whole shopping, packing and planning of the celebration is an act of service for you.

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