Podcast - Episode 0054 - Why Lovers Fight About Sex, Money, and Family

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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about why people tend to fight about sex, money, and relationships, and how using the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs model can help resolve conflict.

In this podcast you’ll find:

• Disagreements and fights commonly occur within relationships. Counselors and relationship experts often tell you that people fight about sex, money and family issues. Why is it that this is a recurring issue among couples? What are the solutions?
• Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of Needs is a lifelong achieve to go from the bottom to the top tier. These are our fundamental human needs and we come in and out them from time to time. These needs are not fixed nor constant.
• There 5 different levels in the pyramid.
• The bottom level is the “survival level” or the physiological needs – food, shelter, sex. Once this is established, we graduate to safety and security needs.
• Safety and security needs – the feeling of being safe like financial security, health and wellness.
• Love and belongingness– being romantically accepted, emotional needs are taken cared of.
• Self Esteem – when we want to accomplish something that’s bigger, something that contributes to ourselves and other people.
• Self-Actualization –happens when we feel good spiritually, we feel like we’re more than just the sum of our parts. We have a lot of abundance in resource and we feel that we can give back without feeling like it’s costing us anything.
• Most of the common issues that couples fight are in the first three tiers.
• Money issues are huge and is a safety and security need. Whatever the issue is, it all comes down to blaming your partner about and not realizing that there’s a need going unmet.
• Donkey Smuggling – Smuggled emotions happen because people feel unsafe. You can remove the blame game by asking “Which need is unmet”.
• Example – if you haven’t eaten for the entire day, your mood will be affected which increases the risk of you diverting (blaming) your mood towards your partner (other people).
• Understanding the model (Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs) helps anybody understand and look at the problems and not the person.
• Getting your needs met is the way to give back to other people.
• Talk about your partner and try to ask which needs are unmet
• Get each other’s back as a couple. Support each other by fulfilling each other’s needs.
• How can we manage our feelings as individuals so that we don’t feel unsafe?
• Relationships do well when needs are met.
• When you and your mate are in a tense discussion, think about relationships in getting needs met.

Exercises we recommend in this podcast:

• Write on a sticky note “Which need is going unmet?” Constantly ask yourself this question.

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