Download Episode Here – right click link and select “Save Link As…”
In this episode Joel and Antonia dive deep into the needs and desires of the ENFJ personality type.
In this podcast on the ENFJ personality type you’ll find:
- 50% of women use Extraverted Feeling – “Harmony.” No other cognitive function has that high a demographic breakdown.
- In our survey, ENFJs complained a lot about monkey mind. A tendency for one’s attention to be pulled in multiple directions.
- Harmony is aware of how people emotionally impact each other dynamically.
- Things that are culturally important, unspoken social contracts, ENFJs are masters at these.
- The driver process is Extraverted Feeling which we have nicknamed “Harmony.”
- Harmony is a decision-making, judging process. It informs how ENFJs make their decisions.
- It is extremely clear to ENFJs how people should be behaving around each other.
- They get called judgmental.
- They get confused when someone doesn’t see and obey the social rules.
- They bend over backwards to meet people’s needs. We should be responsible with each others feelings. They are baffled by people who don’t get it.
- Harmony is tied into the culture the person is raised in.
- If ENFJs get messaging that they aren’t allowed to stop working for others they might not slow down enough to ask if serving others is their highest priority.
- They are good at anticipating other’s needs so people just let them handle everything.
- The co-pilot is an introverted learning process called Introverted Intuition, which we have nicknamed “Perspectives.”
- ENFJs couple Harmony with Perspectives so they can predict people’s needs really well. “I already took care of it for you.” Getting needs met on a precognitive level. Thankless. Doing things without other people’s awareness.
- ENFJs may not get the appreciation they need and crave. They may feel like they are just serving all the time, which can get tiring. They fuel themselves on feedback.
- The only feedback they may get is when they fail to do something. Negative feedback.
- ENFJs often believe they need to be perfect. They can’t stop to take a break. Perfectionists. They want the feedback telling them they are doing the right thing and when the feedback doesn’t come they double down on service.
- When ENFJs do emote strongly in hopes of getting their needs met it gets met with rejection and dismissal.
- ENFJs 10-year-old process is Extraverted Sensing, which we have nicknamed “Sensation.”
- Perspectives is about watching the mind form patterns. Sensation is the opposite. It’s about being in the outer world and picking up sensory data – real-time, kinetic, adrenaline oriented data.
- For ENFJs this favors indulgence over sophistication. No ability to tell themselves to stop. Whatever is the fastest hit on senses.
- Can also be somebody who cannot stop and take a breather. Over indulgence in partying or self medicating.
- Perspectives is slow. Users of it must slow down to master it.
- Perspectives helps ENFJs go deep and look at their ideological stance. It also encourages them to go for quality over quantity.
- ENFJs are good at getting quick hits. They can walk into a room and get the culture of the room really fast.
- In the survey, many ENFJS said, “People don’t realize how deep I am.” “They treat me as if I don’t have anything intelligent to say.”
- Dive deeper with people. Because ENFJs do not lead with Intuition, they blend a lot more. They show up how others want them to show up. When they decide to start embracing their intuition it becomes uncomfortable.
- No one can survive just on their driver process.
- Perspectives shuts out the noise of the outside world.
- Exercise serenity. Yoga. Meditation. Don’t let others disrupt your calm. Read. Walk.
- Physical routine or activity to help you enter meditative state. Hypnotize that Sensation process so it doesn’t get into monkey mind.
- ENFJs don’t honor themselves as much as they do others. Giving themselves sacred space gives them permission to honor themselves.
- The 3-year-old process is Introverted Thinking, which we have nicknamed “Accuracy”.
- Harmony is about social truth. Accuracy is about nonsocial truth. Accuracy doesn’t want the human component corrupting the truth.
- Accuracy in the 3 yr old becomes very self critical. Litany of: “I can’t do anything right,” “I’m the worst person in the world.”
- Allow your 3 yr old to do something totally unsocial – video games, Sudoku.
- Don’t believe the self criticism.
- ENFJ icon is Oprah Winfrey. Sees herself as a teacher. This is a good way Accuracy shows up.
- Someone who can shine a light on the potential of other people.
- Accuracy doesn’t just have to be negative. It can be an aspiration.
- Developing Perspectives is how ENFJs find their power, build morale, and teach others to make healthy choices.
- Slow down and get into Co-pilot. When ENFJs show up healthy with an understanding of their power and worth they are super heroes.
To subscribe to the podcast, please use the links below:
Subscribe with iTunes
Non iTunes Link
Download The Android App
Subscribe on Soundcloud
Subscribe with Stitcher
If you like the podcast and want to help us out in return, please leave an honest rating and review on iTunes by clicking here. It will help the show and its ranking in iTunes immensely! We would be eternally grateful!
Want to learn more?
Discover Your Personal Genius
We want to hear from you. Leave your comments below…
Share:
Podcast - Episode 0089 - Trusting Your Intuition
Podcast - Episode 0091 - ENTJ Personality Type Advice
34 comments
Excellent job! As an ENFJ, I found myself saying exact words just ahead of you guys frequently. Something you got sooooo close to but missed: our (ENFJs) dark spiral and perfectionistic tendencies tie directly to two components. 1) Fe and 2) Ti. It works like this: we see the emotional trajectory of the group and rapidly identify needs that, if left unmet, will destroy harmony (Fe). Then we identify specific ways to meet those needs for the individuals comprising the group (Ni). This requires constant attention and a ton of work that, frankly, we know we are the only ones in the group suited to (low density MBTI and experience). All that is fine (as long as you avoid burnout).
Where it turns dark has to do with feedback. You guys pointed out the frequent lack of positive feedback for the magic we work in our circles. You also nailed that the feedback we tend to get is negative. Later you hit on our three-year-old, Ti. Here’s the problem. We are also giving ourselves primarily negative feedback. So what we are left with is a ton of energy output with unique and amazing impacts for individuals and organizations with nothing to show except scars from the whips of both ourselves and our masters. And that is tiring and exhausting. But it is also soul crushing to be consistently told that your lack of perfection is the reason that the utopia that only you seem to be fighting for doesn’t exist.
It creates a dark messiah complex where you view yourself as the destroyer instead of the savior in spite of all your efforts to be otherwise.
And that is why you guys were sooooo dead on in the criticality of developing that Ni contemplative state. It does quiet the Se, but more importantly it directs the efforts of the Ti into healthier avenues of self reflection instead of the crushing weight of self depreciation.
Thanks for the work you put into this podcast, very interesting. I’ve been thinking lately about why it is I lack confidence in my understanding of myself or others. I appreciate perceptive friends of mine who notice and vocalise certain traits I have that I never even realised I had. An example is someone I worked with for just a few weeks said “I like how you never leave a job half finished, but if you have to, you leave clear instructions for whoever will take up that task tomorrow so they know exactly where to start.” She knew something about me in a couple of weeks that I didn’t recognise about myself after almost 30 years.
I also sometimes struggle to identify certain traits or mannerisms in others and admire those that pick up on these things. I’m closer to my husband than anyone else in the world, yet when people say “oh your husband is like this…” I usually think “hmm really? I never noticed”
I thought this might be my underdeveloped analytical process of Ti (although I do well paying attention to detail and crunching numbers at work) but I wonder if this is not so an ENFJ problem as it is potentially being gaslit by a parent growing up, that makes one doubt their understanding of their self and others. I’m sure I am an ENFJ though and definitely lead with Fe, and very empathetic and sensitive to others’ feelings, just doubt my ability to understand and define myself or others. Would be interested to know if other ENFJs (or others who have been gaslit when young) face the same struggle.
Amy,
As a fellow ENFJ (and so ENFJ for me to reply to this), I have some words of advice for you. Something I’ve learned over time is, people don’t necessarily not appreciate the work you’re doing, in fact it’s usually the contrary, but people aren’t aware that words of affirmation and validation are what we need. While it can feel vulnerable, particularly to ENFJ who is so used to harmonized to the needs of others, to actualize vocalize their need to be affirmed, it’s what we need to do. I often remind myself, “No one can read your mind”. If after constantly vocalize what we need, and finding our needs will not be met, then for myself, I realize I will never truly find harmony in those relationships. It’s very difficult for us to live with that. There’s no balance for us when we have to constantly ‘mother’ or ‘teach’. We have to accept the situation or make a radical change.
I have seen hundreds of patterns in people working as a temperament specialist with families in particular. I find that many INFJ’s think they are ENFJ’s because all intuitive feelers love people and need relationships. They also need to make a difference in people’s lives. An INFJ would just have the first two functions flipped. Your number one would be introverted intuition or perspectives and your number two would be extroverted feeling. All INFJ’s I have worked with claim to have a push/pull tendency in their interactions with people. They are pulled toward being with people because they value relationships, but they have to push back because their battery gets frained quickly and they need their down time. INFJ’s can be very intense, passionate and serious whereas ENFJ’s keep things lighter. They can go deep, but not as deep as an INFJ.
Joel & Antonia,
Please know that I appreciate all of the time, thought, and effort you put into this podcast. Unfortunately, I’m writing a comment because I feel like you left me hanging. When you were remarking on Joan from MadMen seemingly effortlessly anticipating the needs of others and taking care of them before being asked I started saying, Yes! I continued in agreement as you described ENFJs receiving no appreciation and then receiving criticism when the needs weren’t taken care of. Antonia, you spoke about ENFJs “ending up in the red” when our efforts go unrecognized for too long a period of time. Then Joel said (and I’m paraphrasing), “We have some solutions for ENFJ’s unique struggles later in the podcast.”
I’m almost crying as I write this because I have remained unappreciated by my SO for over 23 years and it annoys him when I try to anticipate his needs. I feel like I’m completely useless to him. He shows that he does not value what I have to give on a regular basis. I came to this website interested but also hoping that I would find some help.
However (tantrum time), you guys never addressed this unique struggle of not being appreciated or receiving feedback later in the podcast! I thought you might have suggestions on ways to carry on without the validation I have been craving for years. Or that you knew ways of generating the appreciation I need to keep going. The suggestions I heard were about developing my co-pilot, quieting my 10 year old with baths or exercise. Well, I do want to do those things! Lord knows that my 10 year old has given me plenty of maladaptive ways of coping over the years (I’m in recovery from Opioid Use Disorder), but I want to find healthy ways of becoming fulfilled. I need to find a way to get out of the red before I can focus on developing perspectives. Right now I’m too empty to handle the suggestions I heard in the podcast. I feel like you left me hanging with my unique ENFJ struggles and I need help. I apologize for being such a downer.