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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about the power of owning what you don’t want to admit right now with Purpose Mapping creator Craig Filek.
In this podcast you’ll find:
Craig’s Story:
Adopted at birth.
Adoptees experience a premature ego death. In utero, a child develops a rhythm and homeostasis with birth mother, then there is a break when the child is adopted. Adoptive parents cannot interpret child’s needs. They feed the child and change its diaper but they cannot figure out that the child is grieving its loss. The adoptive parents do all they can to quiet the child and the child gets the message that its emotional expression is not okay. The child has to abandon authenticity to survive.
Craig’s experience of being an adopted child was a catalyst to question his identity.
We can get over reliant on our identity with our parents. Become overly mirrored. Then we have to figure out an extraction process. “Sometimes you have to cut the apron strings and sometimes you have to burn them.”
Growth:
Searching for identity links with searching for purpose. “If my purpose isn’t to simply be these people’s child and mirror their lifestyle, then what is my purpose? Why am I here?”
We all have the impulse to individuate. We find the cracks in our parents foundation and we choose to leave the nest. It is just a question of when and it is usually traumatic because it isn’t supported by our societal structure.
- The Hero’s Journey inward. “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasures you seek” – Joseph Campbell
- Think and Grow Rich – “In every adversity is the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.”
- “Look back on life and connect the dots. Had I not experienced that I wouldn’t have gotten the gold out of it.” Steve Jobs.
That thing that terrifies you is the thing we need to figure out strategies to rush toward.
There is a genetic imperative that we stay close to our parents, so we abandon our authenticity.
We start to hide, repress and deny these aspects of ourselves and there comes a point where we have to go in and investigate these things and ask if they are true.
As we start to face these internal dragons we realize they are protecting something amazing – our gold.
We need to go in and reclaim this gift once we realize we cannot keep ourselves in our parent’s box any more. It can be messy but the outcome is integrity, alignment, and ultimately fulfillment.
We guard these inner dragons so closely we may even deflect and say, “I hope so-and-so hears this.” When in reality we are afraid of facing our own dragons.
Purpose vs Identity:
Achievement, success and accomplishment is not necessarily synonymous with Purpose. If we want to apply the story of purpose onto our accomplishment, that first piece of the puzzle is individuated identity. We often find our identity as we move toward our Purpose. But identity must be answered before we can calibrate to Purpose.
Identity is the You-Are-Here dot. You need to know who you are and how you individuate from everyone else. If we haven’t solved that piece for ourselves, we can’t move to Purpose.
Purpose is defined as Why you exist. Why anything exists. It’s why we create something.
Ego deflects – “So-and-so should totally hear this.”
There’s nothing wrong with Ego. It is super intelligent. It protects us from the identity. We need it, but at some point we have to transcend it.
Identity is that first piece of “Who am I?” which is different from everyone else.
- Identity is a system with lots of nodes.
- The story of self. Personality is part of it.
Ego is where we live as individuals. Ego is made up of:
- our personality type,
- our Enneagram,
- our genetic makeup,
- our culture,
- our family,
- our history,
- our geographical location,
- etc.
Ego isn’t the complete picture. It is the picture of what we express to the world. Our character that we can watch and observe.
The personality systems are a way to observe that character. Get outside it and walk around it. Actually see it as something you can work with, and work within.
Purpose Mapping:
There is no full system that can get to the true essence of who we are. We struggle to even know and understand ourselves.
The concept of identity is so fascinating because it seems the closer you get to understanding that piece the clearer you get on mapping out the territory, and the more clear you get on understanding why you are here.
If you can’t understand the machine’s functionality it is hard to understand why the machine exists in the first place.
Really understanding the territory seems such a logical beginning. What is the most natural expression of the tools I come equipped with?
Identity is not static. It changes. The fundamentals can be grasped though.
There are habits and things that are serving me and there are habits and things that used to serve me but don’t now. Put those on a map and start to see what is the wrong path and what is the right path.
Put your dot on the map and start moving. Start getting feedback and gather experiences and data and see what feels better/worse.
Campbell spoke in the Hero’s Journey of the “Ordeal.” The ego is challenged to its limits and just beyond. Apotheosis. Neo in Matrix sees the matrix and starts controlling it. Utter power.
If you are listening and you want to have the experience of what it’s like to touch the power in your shadow, and get a sense of what that may be like to explore a little further, there is a simple question you can ask yourself. Be willing and able to catch the first thought and best thought. Relax body and mind:
What do you NOT want to admit right now?
In that space something comes up and it’s scary. You probably are somewhat aware of it. It will lead you into a never ending quest to get to the bottom of a deep well.
Break down the entire process of Purpose Mapping structurally:
- Walk through the process of exploring your personal story. Look at strengths and weaknesses. Downfall. Shadow.
- By triangulating those we pinpoint your location within a square meter. We pinpoint your essence using the three personality systems.
- Two hour phone call going deep into your purpose map. Your purpose is to make the unconscious conscious and get the power out of your shadow and use that to fuel the development of your strengths.
- Build practices to ground and integrate the purpose. Epiphanies are worthless without integration.
- Create tools for creative momentum.
- Build a contribution system. Tap into shadow, liberate gold, build a career.
Get down to the etymology before finding the gold. Process the yuk. Add value first.
Tear down resistances to begin with and start mapping strategies. This keeps the person from auto responding with “I can’t“ whenever confronted with challenges.
Get to purpose first then build your contribution around your flow state.
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15 comments
Good point, Diane. Thanks for the reminder – it’s certainly something I will explore as I deepen my own understanding of this work.
Hey Alison – yes, it can get pretty dark in there for those of our type. And “in the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek.”
Feeling without story has been a tremendous practice in my own life and I recommend not only practicing but getting some support to practice. It’s challenging to go in that swamp of feelings alone until you’re skilled at this work.
Also, developing a creative outlet or several is important. Particularly for 4s. Getting it out of your head and exploring not only the world but how you meet the world changes a lot.
Morning Pages is amazing. Any sort of creative expression helps a lot. Some moderne most revered artists musicians actors poets and humanitarians share our type. It’s because of the depth. It’s a gift. Embrace it and use it.
Lastly, look deeply into your Human Design. There are lots of free resources online. It’s amazing and will help you tremendously.
Excited to work with you Anthony. Love your passion for digging in and retrieving your Gold.
Thanks Anthony. This helps a lot!
Alison, there’s actually some discussion on the facebook group about this very subject:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1066580883382024/permalink/1167824369924341/
I’m also an enneagram 4 INFP. I’m 32 now and made it through some rather turbulent 20s. In that facebook discussion, a woman named Anmari advises to “feel the feeling but lose the story”, and I think that applies perfectly to my experiences with that line between unhealthy behavior and authenticity. I went through a period of pretty intense social isolation, and in retrospect there was a clear line where it went from being positive and me “finding myself again” to being toxic and circuitous, where I began to way overidentify with all the dark sides of myself that I had uncovered and explored. And in becoming identified with them, I began to feel compelled to perpetuate them, and hence the “story”.
I hope this is making sense for you!
Anyways, to “lose the story” I had to do what Charis and PH advise INFPs to do; get out of the house, get out of your head, and try things. Experiencing ourselves in the external world brings new clarity when we’ve spent too much time in the inner world. Also, I think it’s important to keep people involved in your life when going through these periods of inner exploration, because it’s way too easy to get caught up in it and forget when it’s time to come up for air.