Podcast - Episode 0159 - Myers-Briggs Dichotomies In Relationships

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In this podcast you’ll find:

• We get a lot of questions from people asking for their perfect match based on type.
• Type is just one thing we can analyze when looking for love. There are many things to consider more important than type.
• You can’t always control with whom you fall in love.
• Sometimes it’s better to find out a person’s type after you fall for them.
• There are too many possible combinations to do a side by side comparison of every type.
• Dichotomies are a pairing of opposites:
  • Introvert/Extravert
  • iNtuitive/Sensor
  • Thinker/Feeler
  • Judger/Perceiver
• These dichotomies in various mixes and matches make up the 16 personality types.
• There are rewards and gifts in having the same dichotomies, and there are rewards and gifts in having opposite dichotomies.
• What if an introvert pairs with an extravert?
  • The stereotyped perspective of this pairing is that an extravert will want to go out more, and the introvert will be happier staying at home.
  • It is important that each have the needs of the other on their radar. The extravert needs to recognize that the introvert needs down time after social engagements.
  • And the introvert needs to be aware that they need to join their extraverted partner on occasional outings.
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – Clementine (extravert) feels stuck in the relationship and wants excitement. She doesn’t want to stay at home all the time. Joel (introvert) just wants connection, but it isn’t enough to stimulate Clementine.
  • If there is a reluctance for an introvert to go out on adventures with the extravert, it means there is a need going unmet. The introvert may feel like their energy is being sapped.
  • The Extravert helps the Introvert get out of their inner world and not get stuck in an introverted loop.
  • If an introvert feels like their extraverted partner is abandoning them, they need to recognize that it isn’t abandonment. The extravert has a need to get out.
  • The introvert can help the extravert to slow down and spend more time exploring their inner world.
  • The polarity between introvert and extravert can be quite attractive.
  • Conflict can occur when one starts resenting the other.
  • Understanding the needs of your partner, connecting with them, and being willing to meet them halfway will solve a lot of issues.
  • Remember why you were attracted to your partner in the first place. It usually begins with that polarity. Appreciate it instead of wanting to change it.
  • The world rewards extraversion.
  • Introverts have rich inner worlds.
  • Extraverts often feel like there is a part of the introverts inner world that they will never fully know.
  • Extraverts often rush into relationships and like connection.
  • Introverts often hold back to keep that inner world safe.
  • Extraverts shouldn’t feel that the introvert is hiding something.
• An extravert in a relationship with another extravert:
  • Can be lots of fun
  • Never enough down time
  • Threat of burnout
  • Make sure each gets some alone time on occasion to do whatever they want
• An introvert in a relationship with another introvert:
  • Can be very compatible.
  • Happy to stay at home doing separate things.
  • The challenge that can arise is they get in a rut and forget to get out and do anything outside of the home dynamic.
  • They can get stuck and lose some zest for life if they never challenge each other to explore the limits of their comfort zones.
• Sensor/iNtuition dichotomy:
• When a Sensor is with an iNtuitive:
  • Can be challenging.
  • Sensors and iNtuitives have different needs, but each can learn from the other.
  • One covers the blind spots for the other.
  • We have a tendency to devalue another’s different perspective.
  • The biggest challenge is the iNtuitive need for Intuitive conversation. Can get this need met by connecting with an iNtuitive outside the relationship. The Sensor may feel left out.
  • iNtuitives may be prone to taking more risks. Some Sensors like steadiness.
  • INtuitive may push the Sensor into what feels like risky, destabilizing behavior.
  • INtuitive may feel stifled by the Sensor who values security.
  • INtuitive needs to do things differently. They don’t like living a templatized life.
  • If an iNtuitive is unsatisfied with normalcy, the Sensor could internalize it as a sign that something is lacking with them. But it isn’t about the individual. It is about the system. The situation. They need novelty and freedom of expression.
  • An intuitive spouse can take Sensor spouse for granted because they don’t know how much the Sensor does for them.
  • There are lots of different flavors of Sensors, just like there are lots of different flavors of iNtuitives.
  • Remember what attracted you in the first place. That difference you found so exotic.
  • INtuitives bring innovation. Sensors bring stability. Each needs the other.
• An iNtuitive with another iNtuitive:
  • See the world in a similar way.
  • Lots of great conversation.
  • They spend a lot of time in the abstract world and can allow the tangible parts of life to slide – like paying bills and going grocery shopping.
  • When there is an unpleasant task, the two intuitives can play hot potato with those tasks.
  • Share the unpleasant tasks.
  • Cut each other some slack when the mundane tasks don’t get handled perfectly.
• When a Sensor is with a Sensor:
  • An inability to shift and get into the mind of the other when conflict arises.
  • Both can rest into each other’s groundedness and forget to live life to the full.
  • They become content with safety.
  • At the end of life, they regret the things they didn’t do rather than the things they did.
• When a Thinker is with a Feeler:
  • Feeler will be much more interested in the human component. People-centric decisions.
  • Thinkers will be more interested in impersonal criteria – data set, resource, etc. Data-centric decisions.
  • Most relationship struggle stereotypes start with this dichotomy.
  • The majority of men are Thinkers and women, Feelers.
  • One of the main challenges is when one person insists on the importance of something that the other cannot see.
  • Most gender stereotypes come from this dichotomy.
  • If we get how the other person evaluates things they can be the voice of reason when we have a blind spot around something.
  • Feelers can help Thinkers process emotions.
  • Thinkers can help Feelers appreciate the data set beyond the emotions.
  • Be careful not to use your strengths as weapons against the other.
  • Feelers can manipulate others through an emotional display.
  • Thinkers can get condescending when they value logic over emotion.
  • Thinker/Feeler is a great dichotomy to have in its polarized form.
• A Feeler with a Feeler:
  • It can be a beautiful relationship
  • Can also be overly harsh
  • May tend towards overly dramatic portrayals
• A Thinker with a Thinker:
  • Can be stubborn
  • No backing down when each has conviction around a particular data set.
  • Battle things out in an endless attempt to convince the other.
  • Must be willing to back down.
  • Stop insisting you see more than the other.
  • Feelers bring a softness to a relationship that seeks harmony instead of logical rightness.
  • Most relationships aren’t about logic. It’s about connection which involves the heart, not data.
• Judger/Perceiver
• When a Judger is with a Perceiver:
  • Judgers like organization in outside world and Perceivers like freedom in outside world
  • Judger – “A place for everything and everything in its place.”Judgers also like to know what is coming next.
  • Perceivers like improvisation.
  • Perceiver spontaneity can destabilize the Judger.
  • Judger may repress Perceiver spontaneity.
  • Create an environment where each can get their needs met.
  • Compromise
  • Perceivers can be a little more organized, and Judgers can be slightly more disorganized.
  • What is most important to you? On what can you compromise?
• When a Judger is with a Judger:
  • Can become overly routinized. Too rigidly on schedule and unable to adapt.
  • Can reinforce each other so much that interacting with outside world is difficult.
  • No newness or excitement with life.
  • Sometimes they will try and generate the excitement they are missing and make rash decisions like moving cross country.
• Perceiver with a Perceiver:
  • They love each other’s spontaneity.
  • Organization is often put off.
  • A tendency to always play catch up instead of staying ahead of the game.
  • Intentional irresponsibility.
  • Judgers bring certain things to Perceiver’s lives that are important and vice versa.
  • Two Perceivers can often cause conflict with a Judger world.
  • Conflict comes from without instead of within. Don’t use it to pummel the other.
• Tell us about your relationship.
• What have you observed are the strengths and weaknesses within your relationship?

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