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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about our tendency as people to undervalue emotions in others until we experience them in ourselves.

In this podcast you’ll find:

  • INTx Unleashed – Series of interviews with top performing INTJs and INTPs.
  • What did they do to become the best version of their type?
  • One thing kept coming up:
  • It is so easy to marginalize other people’s emotional experiences and act like they aren’t important – until they happen to you. Then they are the most important thing in the world
  • Feelers can do this as much as Thinkers. It’s a human phenomenon.
  • The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone de Beauvoir
  • Subjective experiences are always stronger than the objects around us.
  • We can never fully feel someone else’s emotional experience.
  • These emotional peaks are often a response to a feeling of threat.
  • We have a tendency to give preference to our own experience and dismiss others.
  • It’s not our job to indicate somebody needs to get over something faster than they are.
  • The only person we can change is ourselves.
  • When two people are in heightened emotion, it becomes easier to marginalize the feelings of the other person because you are going through your stuff.
  • Imagine two people who aren’t into personal growth and don’t have the self-awareness to work through these emotions. This is where endless bickering comes in.
  • When we have a visceral reaction to something, we make a bigger deal of a situation than it warrants.
  • Most people aren’t worried about you and judging you; they are worried about themselves.
  • This can work in your favor. If you do something you have some guilt over, the fact that other people were marginalizing your emotional expression may mean they didn’t even notice what you did or care.
  • When we focus on our emotion to the exception of everything else, it usually relates to fear.
  • Fear is far stronger than motivation.
  • The antidote to fear is bravery.
  • The most important thing you can do is recognize your emotional experience isn’t more important than anyone else’s.
  • Be brave enough to realize that your emotions are not the only thing that needs to demand your attention.
  • INTs don’t ask much from people emotionally, so when they do experience emotion, it feels like the world should stop turning.
  • Emotion becomes the primary emotion when it has to do with a reason why you aren’t reaching out for something that gets you out of your comfort zone.
  • You give every rationale why you can’t do this thing. It’s rooted in fear. It’s a way to avoid the next step.
  • You have to be brave enough to push through it.
  • Our motivations come from our emotions. Shift your fear into courage.
  • The fear comes from a fear of death.
  • We vie for resource when we are feeling emotional.
  • But if someone else is having a bigger need, you may need to be brave enough to give the resource to another person and be willing to wait to get your needs met.
  • Bravery = pushing through resistances. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
  • Trust in who you are. You aren’t going to die. You are your resource.
  • You aren’t dependent on someone else for resource. You are all the resource you need.

In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about our tendency as people to undervalue emotions in others until we experience them in ourselves. #podcast #emotion #communication

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  • Jersey
    • Jersey
    • May 24, 2018 at 5:13 pm

    I have 2 questions:

    1. Who’s to say if one is ACTUALLY going through something big that it’s hence okay for them to shit on the world around them, or not?

    2. And isn’t the whole thing easier when BOTH partners are into development? If only one of them is into development it feels like he’s the one carrying the load of two people and there’s nobody to hold space for HIM, when he needs them to.

  • Shelby Nicholson
    • Shelby Nicholson
    • July 24, 2017 at 12:52 pm

    I’m in love with my friend Andy whom I haven’t seen in years. We’re going cruising together in the Caribbean in September and of course as an INFJ I am in love with the idea of being in love. I’m so in my head; I’m so in love with my dreams, possibilities and ideas that consequences occur to me only as an afterthought. I don’t think about logic, logistics, how the body feels, whether the body feels, what the body will feel, the consequences of my actions. I lack grounding. It’s kind of like oops, degress, will you still love me in the morning. Who wants to ‘clutch a fig leaf to them the next morning’ in social awkwardness, because you forgot to tear down these walls …. ’I’ll try to keep myself open up to you / That’s a promise that I made to love /When it was new/ Just like Jericho I said/ “Let these walls come tumbling down / I said it like I finally found the way To keep the good feelings alive / I said it like it was something to strive for?” There’s nothing worse than having an empty relationship where you feel like strangers in the morning, embarrassment, because you haven’t taken the time to get to know the other person and form a real connection, and that’s the kind of love this INFJ here wants. I want to takke the time to get to know the other person. Where is he pointed in life at this moment. Does he feel the spark. What does he want? As my Irish, ESTP grandfather, who always had an impeccable sense of timing said, “timing is everything; wait for the moment, and then begin.” Shelby has no timing. Shelby is a whirling dervich. Shelby is a social retard… I arrive on the scene, spout what I’m here for, and wheel off before my guests have time to catch their breath. Instead, I should say “hey how you doing; are you enjoying yourselves” – once you go through the social nicities that ground them and me, now you tell them what you came to tell them…. I never do that, which is why I hate social events. I don’t have the patience; I can’t slow down, can’t wound down. Awkward, yes. do you get my drift? Love is a mind body soul connection and the slowest seed in the garden to grow.

  • Shelby Nicholson
    • Shelby Nicholson
    • July 23, 2017 at 3:41 pm

    Bravo! Wonderful! Wonderful! Look the gift horse right in the eye! “Five seconds of intense bravery.”

  • Santi (INTP)
    • Santi (INTP)
    • July 19, 2017 at 5:51 pm

    I liked this podcast a lot. What was said has been something I’ve discovered about myself in the past year or so. Although I know other people’s emotions to be valid in their own ways, even though I may not think they’re justified considering some objective situations, but I find I have a hard time sympathizing with them. I can generally understand why someone might be hurt by something, but it doesn’t seem to move me past an intellectual understanding of their feelings (unless it’s something more significant like legit trauma or something like that). It oftentimes doesn’t really move me. I rationalize my own emotions and expect others to do the same, but not everyone does. Nevertheless, I’m learning. It definitely does take courage and bravery to push past your own discomfort in a way of trusting that no matter the outcome, any opportunity of personal development makes it worth it.

  • Mike Gilly
    • Mike Gilly
    • July 19, 2017 at 5:01 pm

    I’ve been on both sides of the fun-house mirror on this issue, especially over the last 14 months. You guys did a great job of explaining what happens in these situations, and how to dig yourself out of these holes to where you can understand that other people are allowed to have extreme emotions at times, just as you are.
    Just FYI, what Joel said about being easy-going all the time, except a couple times a year when he wants what he wants with no exceptions, that is definitely me! lol I never really thought about me being like that until I heard Joel talk about it, but it’s very true for me!

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