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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about how our Enneagram instincts (self-preservation – social – sexual) influence our romantic relationships.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Enneagram Roadmap
- Enneagram type blended with instinctual drive creates our subtypes
- If there are nine positions on the enneagram and three instinctual drives we have 27 different subtypes.
- Subtypes/instinctual drives: self-preservation/social/sexual (one-to-one).
- All three drives have a different element of relationship that they focus on.
- Self-preservation is about a person’s relationship with themselves.
- Sexual is a person’s relationship with one other person.
- Social is a person’s relationship to the group.
- We each lead with one subtype. Then we have an auxiliary and inferior.
- Joel is social primarily, sexual auxiliary, and self-preservation inferior.
- Antonia is a sexual primary, self-preservation auxiliary, social inferior.
- Sexual shows up for Antonia by putting her relationship with Joel as her top priority.
- Self-preservation is a direct survival tactic. Thinking of yourself and focusing on safety.
- Sexual (one-to-one) focuses on a bond with one person to create safety.
- Social sees safety in numbers.
- Triune brain theory: lizard brain (base needs), mammalian brain (connection to other humans), cerebral brain (neocortex)
- Lizard – self-preservation
- Mammalian – sexual
- Cerebral – social
- All based on survival strategies.
- Social: about being liked, having resource, safety net of people. Being kicked out of the tribe is terrifying.
- Sexual: survival is based upon important one-to-one bonds. Being kicked out of the tribe isn’t so bad as long as there is at least one bond.
- All of these strategies are deeply unconscious.
- They emerge from survival strategies that are so instinctual they are part of our wiring.
- One-to-One: Soul spelunking – get to see self through another person’s eyes.
- Social: learns about self in the midst of the group.
- Fuse relationships – deeply spiritual bonds with one other person.
- Self-preservation probably experiences a spiritual fulfillment from knowing how to protect self.
- If we have a different survival tactic from our partner, they will be looking for different things to meet their needs.
- Sexual: a romantic relationship where she can fuse with another human being is the single most important thing in Antonia’s life.
- If you are a sexual subtype dominant and your partner is not, you may need to take the lead in the soul spelunking.
- Joel takes the lead in social dynamics like the podcast and meetups.
- Relationships introduce us to new perspectives on the world that broaden our viewpoints.
- Self-preservation is higher in Antonia’s stack, so she made sure her daughter was signed up for karate classes.
- Antonia doesn’t think in terms of social broadcasting since social is her blindspot.
- Joel being a social subtype has given her a platform to share her life’s work.
- Being able to have a convo around your blind spots and how your partner can step up and fill your weaknesses can be powerful.
- Be willing to let go of expectations of spouse if they don’t have the same survival wiring as you do, but be grateful for what they do bring.
- Social subtypes like to get social credit for the things they do.
- Sexual subtypes like to be attractive to other people.
- Self-preservation exhibits in weird ways for Joel as his inferior – worried about germs and where the exits are.
- Can come up as a childlike false read. The fears aren’t legit.
- Self-preservation: tied into safety, protective of everyone and everything, worried about resource reliability.
- Sexual subtypes can fuse with people other than their spouse. It can be a parent, close friend, or sibling.
- Sexual subtypes want to be there for their fuse partners, especially in survival scenarios.
- An introvert that is social may think of themselves as an extravert because they crave the group dynamic.
- Whereas an extravert that is a sexual (one-to-one) may try to escape the group to create intimacy.
- This would explain why some introverts look like extraverts and vice versa.
- A sexual subtype may need to let their social subtype partner have a wider circle of friends.
- Self-preservation people may feel oppressive at times by being overly concerned with safety.
- Give your self-preservation partner the thing they need to feel safe. Don’t dismiss their concerns.
- Make a list of you and your partner’s subtypes.
- How do they show up?
- Where are the crossovers?
- Where is the conflict?
- Where are the opportunities for amazingness?
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12 comments
Thats something ive been thinking for a long time and ive been aware of it on a partly subconscious and conscious level, ive been aware of it at most situations. Im an INFP and i like to take the lead in most situations so i can create bonds with people and get to know them one-on-one later. Its basically a nice way to get to know other people points of view at certain situations or subjects. Its easy then to discern whom is the best individual to approach and share thoughts about deeper ideas. That way i learn how to get to those people or that certain individual and establish a new relationship, a strong one preferably. I find it interesting on how i seek for new ways to be part of something, since as it is said on the personality profile description (and my mind as well) INFP individuals such as me, have a tendency to seek precisely being close to people, getting known. Then also, its a way to find some “cover” before approaching safely. Also that way im acting by my authenticity driver to get some experience and therefore powering up my exploration feature for future approaches. That way i get to look like an extroverted individual by most of my friendships and groups. Its interesting since the first time i made a test i got ENFP, even though i did feel myself like an INFP in every single thing i have read after repeating my test and getting such result (INFP), from pretty every single thing i found, after comparing that info with my personal experience. So i think i can classify my priorities as: Sexual-Defensive-Social.
I am definitely a self preservation dominant person probably followed by sexual then social. So I’m basically a lizard!
I’d love some more insight on people who lead with self-preservation as well! Since that is my dominant. I believe my secondary is 1:1 as well as I do MUCH MUCH better getting to know people on a one on one situation, but FIRST i have to have my self preservation needs met, I have to feel safe and secure to be able to dive into it with the other person. Sometimes this is being in a familiar environment or having other familiar friends around or maybe it’s even doing an activity I love or enjoy. Even in group settings of all close friends, I sometimes leave feeling empty or sad because I didn’t get to catch up with everyone one one one.
There’s actually a cartoon (Steven Universe, you can find clips on YouTube) in which one of the coping/fighting strategies of this alien culture is to actually fuse 2-3 people together (fusions) into a new entity temporarily to accomplish different goals. :) I thought of it when Antonia mentioned the whole fusing Sx connection, and thought other Sx’s might appreciate it.
Hi,
I have a problem accessing the mp3 file. First of all the link from the podcast page does not lead to this site, but to an error page. Then, the mp3 file I download weighs only 2 kb and I can’t play it.
I’m really excited to listen to this podcast, though, so I’ll be patient.
Have a nice day,
Fleur