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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about using feedback to calibrate and refine your perspectives.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Logical Fallacy – Tu Quoque “You Also”
- Appeal to hypocrisy
- Discrediting someone’s argument by insisting they have never acted consistently on the matter.
- It doesn’t matter what their behavior is. If what someone says is true, it is true.
- Boundary setting is the framework.
- “You aren’t perfect, so who are you to tell me what to do?”
- Introverted Thinking: What is true? It doesn’t matter what anyone has done before now.
- This kind of thinking prevents you from ever growing, improving, or seeing your faults.
- Nobody has a perfect record.
- Group codependency.
- “Codependency can be distilled down to ‘I won’t call you on your shit if you don’t call me on mine.’”
- If I say a particular behavior is bad, it doesn’t matter if I’m a bloody hypocrite. It’s still bad behavior.
- You can say, “You’re right. It is bad behavior. I have seen you do it, too. Let’s work together to keep this from happening.”
- Can you get to a place in a relationship where someone can call you on bad behavior, and you can hold it?
- No matter how much we dislike a piece of info, we can’t shoot the messenger.
- The universe gives us gifts when they point out our misbehavior.
- It helps us become better versions of ourselves.
- “I do better in fantasy. Thank you very much.”
- Choosing rightness over happiness. You get what you want but at the cost of ultimate satisfaction.
- Short-term gain for long-term loss.
- If your behavior is hurting the outside world, it is because it has already done its damage inside of you.
- You are just spreading the damage around at this point.
- Let the info be the catalyst to work on that inner stuff.
- If you are unwilling to listen to negative feedback, then you will rarely receive any positive feedback from the universe.
- Ironclad defense strategy
- How can you be receptive to outer world feedback?
- Instead of seeing everyone else’s behavior as an agenda intended to destroy you, is there some truth in their observation that can help you grow?
- What truth can I find in this?
- The ego hits can be tough.
- If you are at a place where you can’t receive feedback, you have probably created all sorts of barriers and boundaries to feedback.
- Start to look at feedback as a message from the universe. Disregard the delivery system.
- That is someone’s experience with me.
- How can I show up in a way that is more consistent with how I see myself?
- Don’t shoot the messenger. Do some detective work to find the gold.
- They see you a certain way. Why is that?
- Feedback that makes you squirm podcast.
- Take the feedback.
- Some people’s path of growth is not absorbing every piece of criticism and internalizing it.
- Some of us have a fundamental belief that we are flawed, broken, sinful, and wicked.
- The default setting is sin and hellfire.
- Very toxic environment to be born into.
- No matter how much abuse was heaped on top of you, it is your job to take it.
- For someone with that kind of programming, then accepting every piece of criticism may be the exact opposite of what they should do.
- If you are in a toxic environment that is heaping criticism on you, the message from the universe may be, “How much of this shit are you going to take before you get out?”
- If you are the defensive type, the messages you are getting may be more content focused.
- Or it may be, “Hey. Let some barriers down. Let in some feedback!”
- For people who are wired to take things to heart, you have the right to have some pride and set some boundaries.
- A willingness to listen to everything and take it can also be prideful.
- House of Cards: Frank Underwood visits his hometown and says that their humility is their pride.
- The picture of health is somebody who has healthy boundaries.
- Let people in until it becomes dangerous.
- Some people Tu Quoque themselves, “I’m not perfect enough to give anyone else criticism.”
- Last weeks podcast
- Can no one make a mistake anymore in the world?
- In-fighting takes down such movements.
- Some social justice warriors give the whole a bad name.
- Perfection fidelity.
- The results are better than some of the processes.
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13 comments
Antonia, I appreciate your use of big words and I think the universe agrees with me on this one.
Good topic! I am a recovering perfectionist so I always get defensive when I’m given constructive feedback, especially when it comes from those closest to me. This podcast was very helpful and I feel that it has opened my mind up to deal with feedback in a positive way, even if the feedback may not be on point, as Antonia brought up, there is something in the way I’m presenting myself that is being interpreted as bad behavior.
Hi Antonia and Joel! Thanks for all you do…your work and learning about your lives continues to be of ongoing benefit to me.
The thing that came to mind when I listened to this podcast was the labeling of behavior as good or bad. One reason our communication isn’t as effective as it could be is because “good” and “bad” are judgments. When we’re on the receiving end of a judgment, it is natural to throw up whatever defenses we have in our arsenal instead of seeking a win-win resolution to the problem or finding a more prudent way of getting our needs met. When we are on the giving end, we may feel superior for a while, but if we’re conscious enough, mature enough, and interested in potentially adjusting ourselves when we learn that someone is making themselves miserable in response to OUR behavior, we won’t feel okay in that superior, separate place for long, either.
A while back, I came across one of Pia Mellody’s books in a used bookstore and her work on boundaries has been of tremendous help to me in understanding this dynamic. It’s similar to (and expands upon) the principles of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. The talking boundary, for example, described on this card shows how to express what is going on and make a request for change in a non-judgmental way:
https://goo.gl/images/yTh7t2
In doing this, we are taking responsibility for how we feel and for what we decide to do. If a tu quoque is attempted anyway, it could be an invitation to include both sides…“Okay, what did YOU tell yourself about what I did (back then), how are YOU feeling about that, and what would YOU like to request of me (now), etc.?”
It may take a little practice, but it sure seems like a more loving and harmonious way to potentially get everyone’s needs met. :)