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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about how we have a moment in our lives that we need to change the dynamic between us and our parents.
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21 comments
I was raised in an orthodox south indian hindu family in the 90‘s. Just like every ancient civilization, india also has its own calendar. People use this calendar to this day to find auspicious time for special occasions like weddings etc.
My mom used to go extreme with it right from my childhood. She used to use this calendar to find auspicious day and time for every single event like even buying a washing machine for example. She always used to say if we dont follow it, sth bad may happen. As a kid, I believed it. But as I grew up, at some point, I stopped believing.
Even years after me moving to Germany, every time I mention that I plan to do sth, like buying a computer or sth, she immediately takes out the calendar and suggests me when to do it. Even though she knows very well, I wont listen. I always used to wonder „why“. No I always used to tell myself, „mom is too traditional and impractical“.
Until I started to listen to ur podcasts. Thats when I thought, maybe I will just ask her „why“. And I did. This was her response:
„When I was 17 years old and was pregnant with ur brother, ur Grandma and Granddad moved to Hyderabad and I went with them. Despite many of our relatives‘ warnings, they went on an Amavasya (New moon day). On the train, thieves stole all our luggage including all the money we had. We stood there in Hyderabad, a new city full of strangers, with nothing more than just the clothes we were wearing. Your Grandma had to sell her gold ear rings to get some money. Ever since then, I always check tje calendar. even though I know that it might not turn out that disastrous every time, I just feel like why to take the risk.“
That was eye opening for me. Maybe i might have reacted differently, if I were in that situation but I finally understand where she comes from. We are very quick to judge people based on their actions, even our parents, about whom we claim to know everything. Or especially our parents. Since then I had so many awesome conversations with them and had so many such ‚Aha‘ monents.
You asked for experiences that were helpful to listeners in regard to making peace with parents after they are dead.
I had to make peace w my father after he died. I had a pretty distance relationship w my dad. It ’s complicated (father – history of abusive deprived childhood, alcohol abuse, gambling), but suffice it to say whenever I saw a good relationship between father/daughter in real life, TV or movie I always felt a great sense of loss/longing. I would sometimes have very emotional breakdowns watching touching father/daughter interactions.
So, after many years of unresolved grief, not about my dad’s death, but because I never had a relationship my dad, I addressed it in therapy.
My therapist was a super sensitive guy and he was very empathetic about the suffering I was experiencing. I was a social worker and was familiar with counseling techniques, so during a session when my therapist suggested a particular exercise, the empty chair, I was aware of it. It is a technique inwhich a person has a conversation with an absent or deceased person to gain resolution. Arrogently, I was skeptical and dismissive. I thought, I know about this and I see where he is going with this, but I doubt anything will happen.
So, to make a long story short, my therapist, Phil, set up the scenario of me “facing” my dad to tell him what I missed during my childhood since he wasn’t there emotionally for me and how it has affected me. I started talking and to say it was emotional is an understatement. I sobbed deeply on and off until I finished. I left nothing unsaid. It was raw and painful and kind of devastating. Of course, I felt a sense of relief when it was over. Who wouldn’t after such an unburdening. But, what I found as time went on is that it was not just a momentary relief. I actually was released from the lifelong pain of feeling like an unloved daughter. I never again experienced the overwhelming sense of loss that had a strangle hold on me for so long. And my longing changed to a vague acknowledgement of it would have been nice if things were different.
I will always be grateful to Phil Kirschbaum for his empathy, insight and professionalism in guiding me to a place of acceptance and peace.
Thank you. I’m going through an extremely difficult parental alienation experience with our 15 year old daughter and this episode really touched me – in that I know I can get through this and that other emotionally intelligent people don’t always have the best outcome every time… and that’s okay.
(just realised I meant to comment on part 2 of the podcast)
Thanks Antonia, for sharing your story. You have done everything in your power to express love to your parents, and I’m sorry it ended that way. But I’m impressed by your capacity to keep your calm and end it with love. I wish you the best for your future, and know that you’ll always have people all over the world that want to suppport you.
I believe that your actions can be a powerful example for all of us out there. Personally, I think it’s too soon to make peace with my father -I’m 21 years old, my parents have been divorced for 5 years and he still has a lot of anger and blame, so I want to let it rest for a few more years. I already tried reconciliation once after a long period without contact, but it turned out badly. After an awkward conversation, I discovered he’d been lying to me and taking money from an old bank account of mine. He also treated me as if I were still 10 years old, stepping over boundaries and expecting me to obey. Unfortunately at the time I didn’t have the conversation skills to express my disagreement, so I just said nothing. He ended up believing that I was sent by my mother to find out information about him and accuse him of taking money.
I know I didn’t act my best, but I did what I could at the time. Perhaps, in a few years, a family emergency will force us to meet, and I’ll be able to talk to him again.