Podcast - Episode 0371 - Overcoming The Fantasy Of Perfectionism

8 comments

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  • Bridget
  • March 13, 2021 at 3:18 pm

  Wow! I have really struggled with what is unhealthy and what is healthy perfectionism. This episode highlights it all in å brilliant way! Thank you- this is a truly life- changer for me!

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  • Julia
  • March 11, 2021 at 4:27 am

  This podcast gave me a lot to think about and I am still mulling how you framed perfectionism. My initial response was that your take seemed a lot more black and white than I how I experience the issue. I am not sure if it was because you were addressing from more of an outside view analyzing it rather than something either of you struggle with all that much (aside from as wanting to be awesome content producers…which you are by the way) or if my own preconceived notion of what perfectionism is and does is off (which given that I had never gone searching for a definition for it, is quite likely and perhaps perfectionism isn’t the right categorization for the parts of it I identified with).

  I am not sure that I agree with the idea that there is an on/off switch where perfectionism is either adaptive or maladaptive. It seems like a much more complex system than that and in my experience very situationally dependent and quite possible to use it appropriately in some aspects of life while still struggling with the dark side of it in others.

  I jumped to the on/off switch part based on how you described the causes and solutions (it may not have been an intuitive leap you intended but rather just the next logical step of where the discussion went for me). If the cause of perfectionism is believing that ones worth and value is conditional (which is something that one either believes or doesn’t believe) than it follows that you would either have to be all adaptive about it or all maladaptive about it because the only way to switch your category would be change your core belief and until you did all the rest would just be masking, coping and mitigating strategies. Putting yourself out there and failing a bunch until you build the skills you need to succeed (or you get tired enough to redefine success) while very solid life advice, wouldn’t actually address the issue of healing ones perfectionism.

  For me personally, I don’t struggle so much with the idea that results have to be perfect (or held to standards higher than the situation justifies) but I do very much identify with the part that ones value and worth is conditional and the pain that truth causes. I honestly don’t see how it could be otherwise. Yes, a human being does have intrinsic value just by existing but how society (or any group) views someone is very much based on their competence, skills and other attributes they bring to the table so it is very much performance based if you want to be part of the tribe. I do believe that there is a very wide spectrum of things someone can bring to the table and make the group better and that things like always being good or high performing or the best in your field is far from the only way to accomplish it. But, the bottom line remains, whatever metric is used, ones worth and thus acceptance are still conditional. And while, existentially you can decide it is only your own opinion that matters and maybe there is a path to happiness buried somewhere there, it seems a rather lonely option to me.

  As far as how perfection impacts me, I think it is the flip side of the issue I struggle with more than the notion that I have to live up to a some external imposed ideal or that others do. It is more my own internal notions of how capable or competent I should be that I fight with, or if I am not accepted by a person or group or get repeatedly turned down for a promotion that then makes me start trying to figure out what is wrong with me so I can fix it and make it better so I will be worth enough that I can belong.

  I think for women the whole issue also becomes a lot more complex as well because perfectionism is drilled in a lot harder externally from so many angles. From the perspective of our femininity and appearance, our place in society in general and how we are suppose to interact in the workplace. Thankfully, these days we have more option to decide that those externally imposed ideals are not going to be our ideals but there are still a lot of very real consequences to that choice.

  I am not sure how much, if at all my type plays into this but if anyone wants to compare notes on similar perspectives or look for type based patterns I am an ISTP. I can kind of see how my introverted judging driver function of accuracy combined with my 3 year old passion of harmony would come to the conclusions above and if I were to ignore my co-pilot of extraverted sensing in favor of letting my introverted intuition 10 year old keep making intuitive leaps I could continue to believe it all very strongly.

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  • Rabia
  • March 10, 2021 at 4:29 pm

  Hi, great podcast and I learned a lot. Since childhood, I was told to act and behave in a certain way. I took pride in being a bright student who gets straight As and the perfect daughter for my parents. 4 years ago, I moved to a new country and started living on my own which made me realize how much of my beliefs were actually my parents’ believes. With each realization, I started to learn about myself and grow. I have overcome the struggle about self-worth being dependant on my grades or my work performance. I still try my best but I do not beat myself up if I fail. But there is still a lot of work to do. For instance, when my boyfriend visits me, I beat myself up with going overboard for cleaning, cooking, giving him company while doing my full-time job. I feel like I am not a good person or not loveable if my house is not perfectly clean 24/7, or if I do not have meals ready on the table despite my work routine. It crushes me physically to manage everything and when I fail, I blame myself. How do I overcome this self-inflicted fear of judgment?
  P.S: I am an INFJ