PHQ | QUESTIONS: INTJs Dealing With FPs

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PHQ | QUESTIONS FROM COMMUNITY: In this episode Joel and Antonia answer a question from a listener about how INTJs can deal with xxFP types (ENFP, INFP, ESFP, ISFP).

In This Podcast You’ll Find:

• FP = Feeler Perceivers (INFP, ENFP, ESFP, ISFP)
• No two FPs are alike. They will show up in a way that is most authentic to them.
• INTJs need to remember to communicate their structural needs in a clear way.
• INTJs can feel vulnerable when things are chaotic.
• “Hey. I organize my life this way. It probably seems uptight to you, but it helps me to be happier and more present. I can connect better if my world is organized. I know that is not how you show up to the world. I know you like spontaneity, but for me, organization helps me connect more and be a better friend and lover for you.”
• Introverted Feeling (Fi) is part of an INTJs conscious awareness, although less sophisticated.
• If an INTJ has a lot of relationships with people who use Fi as a strength, the INTJ will find themselves playing in the sandbox with Fi.
• This puts the INTJ in a defensive position (i.e. pride, hurt feelings, etc.).
• If the INTJ gets pulled into a conversation about feelings, the INTJ is going to feel at a loss. You are on their turf.
• Keep bringing the conversation back to your strengths whenever possible – Extraverted Thinking (Te).
• When INTJ gets into their copilot, they create a container that feels very protective.
• Fi loves to feel protected. It rests into it. It wants validation. It gets wound up when it doesn’t feel validated.
• Once you give validation to a Fi user they calm way down because they feel understood.
• What strategies does a Thinker need to know to validate a Fi user?
• Immature Fi can sometimes attempt to create an emotion in someone who isn’t mirroring their own emotions enough.
• Sometimes a Fi user can’t even identify why they feel strongly about something.
• A dispassionate response to a Feelers emotions is not going to be validating.
• Ask a follow-up question: Why do you feel that way? What is going on for you? Do you feel this way or that?
• Help them co-create an answer for them to explore what is going on for them.
• Sometimes it can be validating to a Fi user to trust their hunches.
• It puts pressure on INTJs to keep coming to FP, but that is sometimes the reality.
• Just make sure you aren’t doing all the work and sacrifice. FPs should be doing the same for you when you need them to.
• INTJs growth point is to be surrounded by order, not messiness. Too much chaos is exhausting because Te fights to create order.
• Ask yourself what generates a sustainable system.
• A system has a bunch of nodes in it; like the relationship, the actual order/disorder, how each person responds to the environment and each other, and what the initial conditions are? Do the initial conditions encourage or discourage order?
• Create a system that creates the order you want.
• Disney World realizes that having a garbage can every 20 feet is likely to keep people from throwing trash on the ground.
• You can create a sustainable system that produces the behavior you want.
• Make it as easy as possible to maintain the order you want, while not compromising the relationship.
• Think in terms of not just enforcing order, but creating an environment that is sustainable.
• Create emotional and physical containers.
• Feel free to outsource to get the help you need.

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