On this episode of the Personality Hacker podcast, Joel and Antonia create distinction around triggers and personality types.
- by Personality Hacker
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- by Personality Hacker
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Such a great episode – My ENTP son had the same problem growing up (he may still) where when he got very emotional he couldn’t even speak. He would want me to stay in the room with him but he couldn’t speak. I’d be trying to ask questions to help him figure out what was bothering him and he would just shake his head. Then I’d try saying, ‘how about I go – I’ll be in my office – and you come get me when you’re ready?’ And he’d say, ‘no, just stay.’ So I’d be stuck sitting there just waiting for him to finally be able to speak. And it might be 10 minutes or an hour – no knowing how long. Very hard for me but I didn’t know what else to do. Great to hear that Antonia experiences filling up empathically with other people’s emotions – as an INFJ, that’s my whole life but I only found out 3 or 4 years ago…
Thanks Joel and Antonia! I’m “the INFP” and you guys addressed exactly what I was wanting clarification on. You also really helped me refine my thoughts on this. After listening to the episode my stance would be that before assuming shadow work is needed we must ask ourselves “Was the boundary that was crossed a reasonable boundary?” and “Was the emotion I experienced and or the action I took a reasonable response?” I think using extreme examples can clarify this. If a stranger slaps you in the face for no reason it is normal and healthy to feel anger, pain, or sadness because a reasonable boundary was crossed. Also, that anger you feel is not necessarily an indicator of shadow work needing to be done. Feeling anger in that moment means you’re a healthy human being with natural survival instincts. If you act on that anger and engage in violent retaliation then by all means dive into your shadow and get to work because that is not a reasonable response. It’s also certainly worth reflecting on if you crossed someone else’s reasonable boundary. I would argue the person who feels nothing after being slapped is also someone who has serious shadow work to do.
I admit in reality these boundaries and responses are nuanced and extremely subjective and in a relativistic society people will only agree on the most extreme situations. Not wanting to see a statue of a historical figure is an absurd boundary and they should do shadow work. Not wanting to see a statue of graphic violence and profanity is probably reasonable and no shadow work is necessary. I think the distinction is important because every emotion has its proper place in our lives given a reasonable boundary is crossed. For example, rage is a reasonable response to seeing a small child or elderly person being beaten in public, no shadow work needed. As a society we need to understand that negative feelings are at times guardrails that spur us to action to protect our tribes and society. All that being said, you are right, the vast majority of the time shadow work is needed, but walking through the decision tree of “reasonable boundary” and “reasonable response” will safeguard our healthy boundaries. Throughout history many abuses and atrocities have taken place because people underreacted to reasonable boundaries being crossed. Most of us understand this but people who are prone to manipulation may need the reminder.