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In this episode Joel and Antonia dive deep into the needs and desires of the INFJ personality type.
In this podcast on the INFJ Personality Type you’ll find:
- This podcast episode talks about the INFJ personality type
- We have an unusually high number of INFJs represented in Personality Hacker
- INFJs have the tendency to feel very misunderstood.
- 2 important components to understand INFJs:
- Their mental process is called ‘Perspectives’. They’re actually watching their own mind work and form patterns. Because this isn’t something verifiable, other people just don’t believe them or reject what they radiate.
- INFJs pair Perspectives with Harmony. When a person with the INFJ personality type tries to figure out what to do, the first thing that pops in their mind is, “how do we make sure everybody’s needs are met?” This process is in tuned with unspoken social contracts that we accept.
- INFJs are very sensitive to the emotions of other people that they end up absorbing them.
- The more sensitive they are, the more they have the tendency hiding. The less expressive they get, the more pain they experience.
- It’s difficult for the INFJ personality type to build intimacy with another person.
- INFJs who are developed and growth oriented don’t retreat to coldness. They’ve taken the harmony process in order to understand and create healthy boundaries.
- INFJs are also able to see how things will play out in the future and this is one of the reasons why they are hesitant to build intimacy with other people.
- Because they are so aware of what’s going on with the other person, they end up having one-sided relationships.
- Jesus of Nazareth, Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr were probably INFJs.
- INFJs are not in the receiving end in victimization. They have extraordinary capabilities within them.
- If you are an INFJ personality type or know someone who is, here are a few things you need to note:
- You don’t have to absorb other people’s emotions and have it stay there. You need to develop techniques to let it go.
- Words have power and the way you describe yourself will become your reality. Change the way you talk about yourself and think of ways of being a co-creator. Create a reality that’s positive to you. If you change the word use, you can change reality.
- When getting everybody’s needs met, you’re basically part of everybody. Getting your needs met means you take care of yourself. Get sensitive to what those needs are in real time.
- Honor what you need in the moment and be willing to take care of it. This will help you get other’s needs met.
- Continue to look for people who understand you. Allow yourself to be understood and form the relationships you’ve been desiring.
- You can’t change that you’re going to absorb people’s emotions. Manage and learn strategies that will help you figure out a way to let the energy come in and go out.
- Do what you can to see yourself as a person who has positive things to contribute to the world. Focus what you got as gift and not as a burden to others.
Helpful resources for the INFJ personality type:
Developing Your INFJ Personality Type (by Donna Dunning)
The INFJ Personality Type (by Dr. A.J. Drenth)
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304 comments
Thank you Jayjay. We appreciate the kind words and support.
Thanks for posting this. My INFJ partner linked me to this because she though I would find it interesting and helpful, and I really have. I went back and listened to some other podcasts too, and in combination they’ve helped me articulate some of the problems I was noticing in our relationship.
I’m an INTJ, and so I don’t really like to talk about my emotions. I actively try to hide them. But being an INFJ, she knows about them anyway. This can feel like a boundary violation to an INTJ, especially when I say “never mind” and she ignores it, and insists on talking about my feelings anyway. Sometimes she decides that I’m being “passive aggressive” if I change my mind about wanting to talk to her about what I’m feeling.
Actually, I’m not being passive aggressive, but I’m trying to judge whether or not she can deal with talking about what I’m feeling, or if she’s in a place where she’s too overwhelmed and going to resent me for it (because she feels it too), view it as something being “inflicted” on her and lash out at me for it. If she does that, then everything will just get much worse. I’ll feel worse, and then she’ll feel worse, and it’ll just spiral.
I have PTSD, and for some reason she has felt that in the past I’ve “solely” relied on her to “fix” it… even though I’ve been actively working on it for years on my own both with and without therapy (therapists who are actually competent to treat my particular issues are extremely hard to find, and those who try but aren’t tend to be harmful instead—fortunately I have recently found one who may actually help), and I’ve tried to keep her from trying to fix my problems. She has tended to perceive herself as a reluctant hero whose duty it is to fix people… and on the worst days, projected that onto me as if I am inflicting that perception onto her. It takes away my own power while also casting me as a “villain.” That she accuses me of just creating drama also denies/minimizes the trauma, and comes across as very victim-blaming.
Those are only the very worst days, of course. But unfortunately, because she is so strongly affected by my feelings, I get a persistent sense that I really can’t or shouldn’t try to share (as in TALK about) any sort of negative feeling with her. Sometimes I even feel like it would really be better if I didn’t have any feelings. If I’m honest about that, she tends to feel insulted. I don’t really understand why she’s so insulted by that, truly. I’m only expressing my own feelings about the situation. But I suppose I really SHOULDN’T have said it after all. I know from prior experience that she tends not to react well if I express any honest insecurities… so why would I not have serious reservations about sharing them?
I feel very rejected by her lately. She’s moved away to the forest to get away from everything, but I have a hard time convincing myself it’s not in large part because she doesn’t want to deal with me anymore. I can’t help that I have PTSD, and I know she can’t help being so affected by my emotions… but even so. The only time I get to see her these days is when she comes back into town to take care of taxes and stressful things like that. I know even being in town is stressful for her. Understandably, she gets too overwhelmed… But it’s just really hard to convince myself that I’m not the problem, when so much of the time when we interact these days (including when she’s physically far away from me), she almost seems to be allergic to me expressing any really honest feelings about what’s going on. What evidence do I really have that I’m NOT a big part of the problem?
I wish I knew what to do about it. It’s just incredibly sad. We connected so well when we first met that we talked for hours, and could barely bring ourselves to part… it wasn’t even supposed to be a date, but it sort of accidentally turned into one. How am I supposed to try to mend the relationship if any time I articulate a feeling I’m getting about it, she takes it as an accusation or worse, as some sort of manipulation? How can something be fixed if the problem is never named?
It’s extremely fitting to have an ENTP & ENFP presenting an INFJ podcast. It has been my experience that ENxPs were somehow imbibed with a magic ability to “get” the INFJ (or at least this INFJ). When navigating unfamiliar social situations, finding an ENxP in the group makes me feel a bit like a five-year-old on Christmas Morning.
I find I have an easy, natural chemistry with both Ne Dominant types.
Your insights were spot-on. I don’t know that I’ve heard a discussion of the INFJs over-reliance on our tertiary introverted thinking stated more eloquently. My introverted thinking is admittedly a bit clunky and it can bring my life to a grinding halt when I’m caught up in it.
You noted the INFJs struggle with establishing intimacy and totally hit the bulls-eye for the reason why (at least, in my case).
It truly does often feel like we can see the end of a potential relationship right at the beginning stages. This sense of “knowing” sets in and acting against it or trying to ignore it begins to feel inauthentic. I have often said my best relationships (especially romantic ones) were those when I wasn’t able to read the last page first.
Your description of how INFJs often put up a wall with new people as a defense mechanism because of how vulnerable we are to those we let in our hearts? That concept, along with how we are naturally inclined to put ourselves into the position of seeking approval, rather than granting it- cut right into the heart of a great deal of type-based problems I have faced in the past. I have never seen this element of the INFJ nailed the way your podcast did.
Most profiles of the INFJ focus on our need for closure and ability to “walk away once we are sure a relationship is over.” While certainly true that once a door is closed, I don’t pine over what might have been…I think the agony INFJs endure prior to reaching the point of giving up on someone they love is omitted from the picture.
So, um, I didn’t intend for this to turn into a rambling, gushy essay- oops. My intention was to let the both of you know how much I enjoyed your podcast, I wouldn’t have minded if it had been another hour longer. I found a lot of value in your insights about INFJness. Thank you both for sharing them!
I have to say, having just found your site and Podcasts a few days ago, I’m addicted. I literally don’t have the words to describe how amazing your work is. It’s even better than discovering I’m INFJ.
I’m working my way through all your Podcasts. Can’t get enough :)
Thank you so much! And keep the podcasts coming. <3
I, an INTJ, listened to this with my INFJ girlfriend. She seemed to appreciate being able to learn about herself and I was happy to understand her better. I would love to have the same experience with her in reverse so an INTJ podcast as referenced in a previous comment at some point would be great. In the mean time, we’re very much enjoying your other podcasts. :)